How would you react?

[Enchantedrose]

If you found texts on DH's phone from a female colleague, who you knew nothing about? Lots of meeting up, apparently mostly for work, but not always, sometimes it was "just to catch up". For the last 2-3 YEARS!! Obvious flirting, but nothing to suggest anything physical has happened. Although one sexual remark, which was "a joke". Feels like I've discovered an affair, but he's adamant it's not and that nothing has happened. Don't know what to believe.

Why would he not just tell you if she was "just a friend?"... Where do you think he she been when hes been with her?

I'd be devastated because at best he's being lying by omission for years and I'd never be able to trust him again.

Invite her round for dinner.

Everyday my dh and I talk about our days. Sorry if he’d been lunching out and talking to a friend, I’d expect it to come up in conversation about the day we’ve had. When I meet up with male friends my dh knows as I say what I’m planning next day plus if my friends have had something good or shit happened that they’d told me then dh and I would talk about it unless I was told not to.

Lying by omission is still lying.

I'd be inclined to think if it was innocent why wouldn't you have known? 2/3 years is a LONG bloody time for you not to have been told even once. I am a very suspicious person though. X

Very upsetting that he was keeping this from you - sorry op. That term emotional affair gets used for this kind of thing but it could be more

I know the life story of some of the women he works with! But her he's never mentioned. He says I don't understand and everyone goes out for lunch all the time, no big deal. Patronising much?! But surely it's not normal to always ask what she wants him to order her, says it's his treat, things like that? And then to comment on her mood and how she looked on a particular day. He said a few times he was disappointed/sad to not get to see her that week. Again he said that was a joke. I mean, he's denying it, but there has to something going on, right?

Of course he's lying - he's been lying to you about this for 3 years. You can't just happen to not mention this much contact by accident.

He's completely guilty. If it were me, I'd tell him that the only chance for our marriage is if he tells me the full truth, and if I got any sense he was minimising I'd be gone.

Emotional affair perhaps? I don't want to stoke the fire but it sounds odd that he'd have this 'friend' he's never mentioned. Why?

He’s minimising, what is funny about any of the things he calls “jokes”. I expect he fancies her but to be fair it doesn’t sound like a full blown affair from what you’ve said. She’s probably milking him for food and drinks.

So he'd be fine if you had a similar secret relationship with a man then?

Joysmum - we would always talk about our day and he would normally tell me who he went for lunch with. He has very deliberately kept this a secret.

Malpais - definitely nothing funny!! Wouldn't even put on here the sexual "joke" he said, but I've never heard him talk like that.

Mose - I think I believe nothing physical happened. But it certainly looks like it could have been heading that way. Hurts that he didn't even choose to admit all this. I happened to see a text pop up, then read them. But I've never checked his phone before.

Sandy - that's what I said to him!! And no he wouldn't, he would hate it! He knows I don't have the opportunity to do that kind of thing anyway, I'm at home looking after the kids most of the time.

In fact, thinking back now, there must have been times where he has blatantly lied, not just by omission. I always asked how his day was, so he must have. He said the lunches started as a group, then just the two of them, which has been the case for quite some time by the sound of it. Am I overreacting to feel like this is a huge betrayal? I completely trusted him.

If it's an innocent lunch then he should have brought it up when you asked about his day in the past. It all sounds odd on his part...

The way that he is minimising is causing you to question yourself.

Ask yourself this - would you think it acceptable if you had been going for 1:1 lunches with a male colleague for 3 years but had been omitting to tell your DH and even lying to him about it?

The answer you will give is a no.

It is unacceptable.
You are not overreacting.
You feel the way that you do because something is amiss.
Your DH has been keeping things from you.

Why?

Shows you that looking at phones uncovers some stuff.

He's been trying to get her into bed OP only he knows if he did or not but he's certainly tried, he knows what he's done is wrong and if you know the whole story you'll leave hence why he makes excuses and lies

Be prepared for more lies but also prepare yourself to leave

His story is all mixed up, so obviously lies. He seems like a totally different person, it's really odd. We've been together a long time, but I feel like I don't know him right now.

Ok. He needs to be 100% truthful with you now.

In what way does has story not add up?

Sorry you're going through this 💐

Insist on meeting her. Watch the colour drain from his face. ..

The details keep changing on how long they've known each other, how often they met, how he feels about her, etc.

A couple of friends suggested I phone this woman, but I really don't want to, I'm not interested in what she has to say. I already know my DH has lied, so not sure what she could say to make me feel differently really. At this point, I don't even think it matters if anything physical happened - it's the emotional betrayal that really hurts. What could she say? She's married, so would probably lie anyway.

There will be more to this. I'd be doing some serious digging.

Sorry to hijack your post but this is what I have been dealing with . Secrets and lying by omission. Talking about day in detail but not mentioning sharing a car journey from Hampshire to Manchester with a female colleague today ( see post am I being silly) my issue is that I don’t have a problem with colleagues being mates but keeping it so secret feels crap. My partner has friends at work sue , Sarah, Ann and Sharon. I only know coz I look down his phone. I want my peace of mind back , life is too short for these secrets . Maybe he knows you wouldn’t like it and is just friendship . Very deceptive.One text was a jokey marriage proposal , one was joke about wearing pants like superman , one joking about our relationship! The female friends get too involved .God knows why I’m tolerating this and nor should you x

You are not over reacting. This is a huge betrayal. I can honestly only think of two reasons why someone would keep a friend a secret like this, either he's sleeping with her or wants to be. It isn't really even just lying by omission is it? He must have had to out and out lie to keep this a secret for 3 years? He wants you to think this is 'no big deal'? I fucking bet he does!