How would you react?

[Enchantedrose]

If you found texts on DH's phone from a female colleague, who you knew nothing about? Lots of meeting up, apparently mostly for work, but not always, sometimes it was "just to catch up". For the last 2-3 YEARS!! Obvious flirting, but nothing to suggest anything physical has happened. Although one sexual remark, which was "a joke". Feels like I've discovered an affair, but he's adamant it's not and that nothing has happened. Don't know what to believe.

Someone wise and 'experienced' ( twice divorced ) told me, "once the trusts gone...it's all downhill from there."

We'll have to keep contact to email for now

He has every intention of remaining in contact with this friend, despite the problems it's caused his marriage and the turmoil it's caused you.

He won't allow you to see their emails.

He is not prioritising his marriage right now. He should be doing everything posstto reasure you and allay your fears and anxieties. But he isn't.

He's been taking you for granted for a long time now, disrespecting you.

That says all you need to know I think.

Maybe its genuinely not that important a thing and thats why hes being a bit clumsy? Because its just a woman at work who hes having a friendship with, bout which you are overreacting? Maybe the dread of you overreacting meant he glossed over it? Just a thought. Of course lots of people cheat and are duplicitous but I find the timbre of all the posts pronouncing that all emotions and reactions and thoughts of one person towards their interpersonal environment must by diktat be funnelled through their spouse else they are a hideous cheating homewrecker a bit much... and pretty impotent- like King Cnut commanding the tide to go back. Of course only you know your husband, and perhaps spidey senses are right- but the other posters dont have your insight and i can reassure you as a happily engaged senior manager I talk to colleagues all the time about stuff about their lives, including over wine, just as a reflection of the responsibility we shoulder together and with nary an impure kiss thought or advance between us. However when i go on a business trip with a male colleague Im not going to come back and guah about his insights into life to my fiancee- not because my head was turned by them, but because it seems weirdly manipulative to potentially introduce insecurity into a relationahip thats so secure I spent a lot of the business trip singing hmy fiance's praises...

But lada, this is one woman over a number of years!

OP, one of the comments I remember reading when I first joined mumsnet (many years ago) and read of a situation like yours was 'this woman is not a friend of your marriage'. You are NOT over-reacting and he's a weaselly shit for saying that.

Lada has a point.

However, given the situ is as it is now, you'd think DH would be doing everything poss to allay fears. Stopping contact perhaps. Allow his wife do see their emails....

*to see

I think you need to give it time as you have a marriage and kids and don’t make any snap decisions. What would upset me though is he seems to be putting this woman before you and dismissing your worries.He doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously.Thats why I get upset with my partner. I’ll be really upset that he hides stuff but he still does it time and time again.His stock answer is that he doesn’t have to tell me every minute detail of his life. I don’t expect him too but when they edit all the big things out you start wondering whether you know them at all. I purposely don’t police or control his life and has lots of freedom but do expect him to mention some bits.

'this woman is not a friend of your marriage

Pretty much sums it up really.

Also

my wife found the messages - we'll have to keep contact to email for now

So this woman KNOWS she has been a secret. Why would she be okay with this? Because there's more to it.

I think the women needs to know he has kept this part of his life secret. She may know but then that makes it worse. If I thought I was causing an issue in a marriage I wouldn’t pursue the friendship unless feelings were involved which are sometimes hard to switch off.

If someone was fracturing my marriage in such a way... I'd not hesitate is sharing that information with her other half... then we're all on the same page.. see how her other half likes the secrecy she shares with your husband

my wife found the messages - we'll have to keep contact to email for now

Reads as code for: careful what you write she’s on to us.

Spot on WindowWiper my thoughts as well. What a devious pair. Hope you feel strong today and let him know this is a serious breach of trust. I was reading an article today by Mariella Frostrup and a lady had written in to her agony page with same problem. Her take was that it was ok and the wife should be ok as it’s fine to have friendships with the other sex and that she can’t stop an infidelity by policing his emails especially if his behaviour hasn’t changed. If you feel loved by him apparently that’s ok. I don’t agree I think it’s a betrayal.

I agree that it is a really wierd email to send

surely - 'my wife found messages between the two of us and its caused some upset - I hadnt told her we were having lunch regularly. Its probably best if we knock that on the head' would be more appropriate

When this happened to me once my partner was really cross because he had been found out, again it was someone that he never mentioned and it was nothing sexual just really close stuff with someone he knew well he worked with but no mention that he was so close to me and never mentioned the woman’s name. I said at the time I didn’t have an issue except he was being secretive which i didn’t like. Anyway he blew up and blamed me for controlling his life so I backed off. He then apologised 2 weeks later and told me that he had spoken to @ and they agreed the texts crossed a line. I don’t know what was worse that he went to her and they discussed my reaction or the secretive nature!

Contact her DH. Seriously, I bet he's in the dark also.

I've been in your shoes, exactly where you are. It's been two years of heartbreak.

What's the worst? He says, oh yeah your DH is brilliant. I doubt it.

Lada, I know what you're saying, but my husband told me about all the other women he worked with - it didn't bother me at all knowing he was friends with and having conversations with women in the office. But this was different.

Still undecided about contacting her DH - I'm feeling really exhausted with it all and can't think straight about that one. I seem to go between really angry and really sad. I thought everything was prettty good before and it feels like we could never ever have that back now. I thought of him differently then. Now I have no trust and no respect for him.

boxoftoads - did you manage to stay in your relationship?

Yes but my heart is broken and trust is not coming back.

It's been a long road, especially as they still work together.

I wanted him out, but not possible where we live x

Enchantedrose, this might be one of the defining moments in your marriage. Rather than lose it by shouting your head off or crying (which I know is our default), pause, think and talk.

In a very calm manner. Sit him on the dinning table (chairs are harder) and let him know what you told us. That it's hard to trust him anymore and it's a major foundation of marriage. The other thing that holds it is honesty and that's what you want from him. Simple question - are we postponing the inevitable i.e divorce? Tell him to be honest with his soul. If he loved/loves you at any point in the marriage the that the least he owes you. Also ask him what he would do in your position?? No really what would he as a man have done? Don't accept silence.

AIB too dramatic? Idk tbh, I think sitting them down and not showing emotion shows them you're deeply hurt but decisive. Plus, in a minute you'd be alright if it went the other way.