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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you react?

71 replies

Enchantedrose · 19/11/2017 20:26

If you found texts on DH's phone from a female colleague, who you knew nothing about? Lots of meeting up, apparently mostly for work, but not always, sometimes it was "just to catch up". For the last 2-3 YEARS!! Obvious flirting, but nothing to suggest anything physical has happened. Although one sexual remark, which was "a joke". Feels like I've discovered an affair, but he's adamant it's not and that nothing has happened. Don't know what to believe.

OP posts:
Greedynan · 21/11/2017 18:51

What does he say he feels about her: you mentioned he keeps changing what he feels about her...

Original poster
Enchantedrose · 21/11/2017 20:11

Happyfoodie, sorry to hear you're going through this too. I didn't know he even text anyone, let alone meet up with them, so this has been a real shock. It's horrible isn't it. I've always been honest and loyal, so feel I deserve the same back.

He initially denied any attraction, but now says there was and some 'mild' feelings were there, but it wasn't leading anywhere!!?

OP posts:
Greedynan · 21/11/2017 20:15

Mild feelings.

Ouch.

That's awful. He's been dishonest and disrespectful.

How is he being with you? Is there any remorse? 💐

Original poster
Enchantedrose · 21/11/2017 20:39

He has moments of guilt and remorse. Then switches to angry and telling me I'm overreacting! Definitely not begging for forgiveness or fighting for our marriage anyway. Just can't get over that he would risk what we had. I don't understand it at all.

OP posts:
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 20:45

I think the very fact it’s one particular female friend is worse and he probably kept it secret because he knew it was wrong. I don’t think I could deal with this but if you have kids you will have to really think about your next step. Men and women can be friends but it’s the lying and secrecy. How devious of both of them. I once looked at the texts my partner was sending and it was like a stranger writing replies and subjects he never discussed with me. Such a betrayal . How do you know they are not discussing you or having an affair?

Greedynan · 21/11/2017 20:52

Do you think you could somehow overcome this? Perhaps through counselling? I'm really sorry. His reaction isn't helping either. Where's the empathy?? Xx

GeekyWombat · 21/11/2017 20:53

What do you think needs to happen next OP? If he said he was wrong and apologised would you be able to get past this?

Original poster
Enchantedrose · 21/11/2017 21:00

He's just not who I thought he was, which is so sad, but also unnerving. I can't believe someone can so easily lie, it's almost like a double life - that might sound a bit extreme but it's such a big secret to keep!! Really struggling to see how to get past it. Would help if he was honest now though! How on earth will I ever know if he's telling the truth from now on?!

OP posts:
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 21:14

This is the tub. The loss of trust and the easy lying on their part. I just spoke to my partner who is in a hotel in Manchester . I asked him who he was with, he said in his own. I said I don’t believe you I think you’re with .. he admitted it , said I would over react . Well yes if you lie. Never have jealous fits. Said he was protecting me as knew I wouldn’t like it. Made me sound awful when actually I just don’t lying. I can’t get it out of my head. I hope you are ok. It’s that dick anxious heat racing feeling xx

Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 21:15

Sorry bloody autocorrect , meant to say that this is the problem!

Annelind · 21/11/2017 21:25

How DARE these men lie - overtly or by omission, then, when found out, say their partners are "over reacting"? FFS! gaslighting, minimising and trying to turn the whole thing back on the bewildered and hurt OH. Fucking disgusting, cowardly behaviour. They can't (daren't) own up, even when they know they're in the wrong and have caused such distress to the people they're supposed to love and cherish Angry

Vik1ng · 21/11/2017 21:44

I’m really sorry you’re going through this but ask yourself why has he lied about these lunches if nothing to hide? My DH had been ‘regularly seeing a female work colleague for lunch’ which actually turned out to have been an on/off affair for a number of years. The only reason he owned up was because she had decided I needed to know and was trying to contact me.

Animation86 · 21/11/2017 21:51

3 years of secrets but all he has to say is “mild feelings”

There’s an utter treasure trove of lies and secrets , make no mistake about it.

Magpie18 · 21/11/2017 22:31

So sorry Op, but this is definitely an emotional affair at best. I speak from experience, my DP was involved in a similar way for more than six years before it progressed to physical. Their meetings were infrequent for several years - they no longer worked together, but arranged meet ups for coffee or lunch a couple of times a year.

He says he truly believed "there was no harm or intention beyond friendship" but the line was crossed in my eyes as it was kept secret from me. He also told me he kept quiet because he knew I wouldn't like it! It did go on to become physical and only ended when I found an extra mobile phone I didn't know he had.

We're still together but it's a very different relationship, not one I'd recommend either - but I have my reasons for staying. Think long and hard about where you go from here. It's a horrible time for you, sending you my very best ŵishes

Happyfoodie50 · 22/11/2017 07:13

I totally agree with everyone’s comments. It changes the relationship for ever. He has to end this secret friendship coz although men and women can be friends this relationship is a betrayal as you should be his closest person in his life but he’s put her before you as wants his cake and eat it. I rang my partner last night and he too said he doesn’t tell me the small insignificant details as he can’t deal with the agro from me? I’ve never had a jealous fit or given him reason to so it’s just an excuse. He rang me again last night and we had a long discussion. I don’t want this to define our relationship , I’m now anxious and distrustful of him and he swears he would never cheat on me but the whole issue as been caused by his lies and our relationship is doomed. Last night he said well walk away if you don’t trust me and was all hurt I don’t trust him starting getting angry and saying he didn’t have any friends and now I was stopping him talking to women friends bollocks !! I’m not at all but if you’re going to keep secrets then this is a consequence.They turn it around on you so keep strong. You’re not overreacting at all. I think sometimes a close secret friendship is worse than a physical fling.What I started thinking when I came off the phone is we keep having these long discussions about his behaviour and it’s exhausting. You must too feel an emotional wreck xxxx

Undercoverbanana · 22/11/2017 07:23

I wonder what made you check the phone in the first place? Did you have a tiny bit of suspicion already? So sorry this is happening.

user21 · 22/11/2017 08:07

She checked the phone because a message popped up.

I’ve been in this situation enchanted 💐
I’m so sorry x

Happyfoodie50 · 22/11/2017 10:08

I think you need to get it out your system buy talking. It’s a horrible feeling as you doubt lots of other stuff they tell you. Like others have said , why keep it secretive. Sorry to talk about my situation but the pattern of my relationship goes from really great; he’s keen to spend all his time with me, plan holidays , spend all weekends together, we’re not that entangled so could easily have another relationship so when these situations arise where he’s being secretive I try and dismiss it as nothing but unfortunately my emotions run away and feel awfully churned up and overly affected. About 3 years ago I found some texts on his phone to a work colleague called Kate . Lots of them and really supportive . He said she was a wonderful women as she had been telling him she was going to resign from her job and was doubting herself. They shared jokes and at the end she added a x . Now I haven’t got an issue with friendship or the texts although wondered why he had put the wonderful woman comment but the issue was 1 he never ever mentioned a colleague called Kate 2 didn’t sound like the stuff he ever says to me.
If your partner is truly sorry he will cut her loose. Keep posting as you need support to get through this.

Original poster
Enchantedrose · 22/11/2017 18:19

So I don't think I'm going to get much more information from him - I feel certain there's more though, so that's not a great feeling. He won't let me see his emails and isn't really doing anything at all to reassure me. But he does say he loves me, wants to be with me, doesn't want to lose everything, doesn't want anything with her. BUT he showed me the message he sent to her which was supposed to be cutting contact and it said something along the lines of "my wife found the messages - we'll have to keep contact to email for now" WHAT?! I obviously insisted he sent another message, which was worded in a much better way, but it was a couple of days later so I didn't feel like I believed it by then. Does he want to keep going like this, telling me as little as possible, in the hope it will all be forgotten, so he can carry on 'having the best of both worlds'? Or has he stopped talking to her and really does mean what he says. Either way, it's extremely hard to get past the lies and betrayal. My head is all over the place, so he's moved out for a bit, to give me time to think and get over the shock. Although, I have no idea what he's up to while he's not here! Mind you, it seems I didn't know what he was up to anyway!!!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 22/11/2017 19:03

I would be packing his bags. What a selfish fucker he is. Flowers

Original poster
Enchantedrose · 22/11/2017 21:04

Happyfoodie - it's the secrecy that's the problem isn't it. I think men and women can absolutely be friends, but only if there is complete openness and honesty with the OH. But when it comes to sharing personal information and supporting each other, it really feels like the OH should be the first person anyone goes to, not a friend/work colleague.

Maybe the secrecy always indicates there is more than just innocent friendship?? Seems to be the running theme with everyone's replies. It's awful isn't it - we could all go looking for attention elsewhere if we really wanted to or have crushes - but surely for most of us loyalty, respect, responsibility comes into play before making the decision to spend time with someone else, building a relationship with them, whilst keeping it a secret. Very risky and idiotic, still don't get why it's worth it.

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/11/2017 21:13

my wife found the messages - we'll have to keep contact to email for now

Wow - that is seriously callous, minimising and disrespectful.

I would say the lack of access to his emails is a dealbreaker. There's clearly stuff in there he doesn't want you to see. And the fact he intends to keep in contact with her via email as well, it's blatant Shock

he does say he loves me, wants to be with me, doesn't want to lose everything, doesn't want anything with her.
I'm not sure how relevant that is given you now known how readily he will lie in order to suit his own agenda.

I'd be tempted to say that, rather than speak to the 'friend', you want to speak to her DH, to see if he knew about the lunches, if he's seen the emails and texts. If he has, then it's all above board innit?

Original poster
Enchantedrose · 22/11/2017 21:22

I did a bit of Facebook snooping and found her profile - was very tempted to message her DH - but wasn't sure if it's a good idea??

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/11/2017 21:38

No, I wouldn't go direct. I'd tell your H that you want him to set the call up.

somethingDifferent38 · 22/11/2017 21:50

How on earth will I ever know if he's telling the truth from now on?!

This is the part that I can't see how you can solve. And the fact that he sees you finding out as an inconvenience in his communications with her, rather than a need to drop everything to redeem your relationship. He has no respect for you OP :-(.