AIBU to go on this date (and to have told 'D'H)

[exhaustedmumof4]

Please be kind.

Backstory: ‘D’ H and I are separated. He’s a cocaine addict who has just got out of rehab and while he was there I discovered an affair with one of his female friends (still claiming it wasn’t sexual but admits to kissing and secret dates over many months). Lots and lots of lies told. I was devastated.

4 months later, we are split up but I have agreed to go to counselling with him to see if our marriage can be salvaged. We can’t start counselling until he is further on in his recovery (went to one session, they wouldn’t see us yet). He’s already relapsed a few tunes, once was after an argument with me. He is very vulnerable. I’m keeping my distance at the moment as I’m still very angry with him and don’t want to jeopardise his recovery any further. We have had sex a few times recently, the last time was a couple of weeks ago.

I’m basically in this limbo where we aren’t together but might be in the future, but can’t do anything about it yet. My self esteem has been in the gutter after finding out about his affair, and I’m on my own with 4 little kids and everything has been so stressful and depressing. For a bit of a laugh I joined Tinder and got chatting to a few guys and have been thinking about going on a date with one of them. ‘D’ H and I had discussed that maybe we might see other people but I’m not sure if he thought I was serious. Anyway, I sent him a message today to let him know I’m thinking about dating and he should feel free to do the same. He didn’t reply and now I’m wracked with self doubt. Is it wrong to go on a date? We are still married. Was it wrong to tell him? I don’t want to be deceitful but he’s probably upset. Advice please! If I’m being an asshole, please tell me (nicely)

Why are you even still with him?

What the hell are you playing at ?

Stop sleeping with your addict husband and end your marriage properly before you start dragging unsuspecting innocents into this mess

Why are you attempting to salvage your marriage if you're at a point where you're planning on going on dates with other people?

Why are you planning on going on dates with other people if you are attempting to salvage your marriage?

It's got to be one or the other surely?

I have stopped sleeping with him, and I’m not sure if I want to salvage the marriage. Sounds like I am being an asshole though. I had suspected I might be. I just wanted to do something fun I guess but it’s probably a bad idea

Just focus on yourself and your kids. Stop looking to men for validation

You are deliberately setting out to do your own head in even more.
Not very wise op.

It’s not that you are wrong for wanting fun- you just can’t do both things at once.

Yry staying away from men for a while

This fucked up situation sounds a lot less than "fun"

And having sex with him a couple of weeks ago is not "stopped sleeping with him"

Cut your husband free. Properly. That is dead in the water

Are you trying to play tit for tat for his affair? That never ends well.

You need to recover too... From the break up if your marriage, from being with am addict and the associated difficulties. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself and get to know yourself. Dating will not help you at this stage.

As others have said you can't do both. You're either going to salvage your marriage, to which I would say more fool you, or you're ending the marriage. I still wouldn't jump straight into dating though tbh-having said that isn't tinder just for hook ups anyway?

If he’s relapsed a few times, the. I can’t see he’s going to be in a fit state for counselling for a very long time. End your marriage. You deserve better.

But don’t date until,your marriage is finished. You’re not ready.

Well I was kind of looking for a hook up, not a relationship!! Thanks for giving me the virtual slap I needed though. I’m just so tired of being boring and sensible and holding everything together. Someone to have a laugh with seemed like a good idea but the fact that I’m even asking advice and doubting myself means that it probably isn’t.

If you absolutely have to meet up with another man, why would you tell your husband? You say he is vulnerable and prone to relapsing.
Just why would you do that?

Have a laugh with friends.

Totally agree with PP that you need to either break up with your husband properly and start divorce proceedings (and then start dating), or stay away from other men whilst you try to salvage your marriage. You're just opening a can of worms and stress for all involved otherwise.

Neither of you are good for the other. You are best off away from each other. & from relationships for a while until you do some work on yourselves. Counselling (separately) is a start

The problem is I don’t know if I want to try and salvage things or walk away and I can’t work through anything with him or even talk about it between us in case it ends up in a row. I just wanted some escapism from it all I guess but I can see now that it’s unanimously considered a bad idea. Tinder app deleted. Thanks all.

I am in counselling and going to Al-anon which is very helpful

I don't think escapism is a bad idea - I just have no clue why you think dating is a good form of it.

I remember your thread, I am suprised (although not judging) you decided to give him another chance (I remember he lied, and fucked you around a lot from that thread). He's relapsed more than once , despite the affair, he can't get a hold on his addiction and that could take years. In the meantime you'll fuck each other up more and everything will get a lot messier.

I would suggest you end it with your "DH" so he has the head space and the desire to recover. In the meantime as you are separated and its clear you are a free agent to date other people. BUT....... you have had a massive amount on your plate with the children and dealing with this, give yourself some time and get emotionally strong. Hook ups might be good for some people in some circumstances, but this has "head fuck" written all over it. I get your self esteem is low, but you are not going to understand if you want to try again with your husband until he's been clean, and you have had a clear separation. You won't find your answers by dating other men right now.

Go out with the girlies, have a laugh, maybe chat to some guys, have fun. Do things you like and good luck. I don't think its totally out the question to date in time, but everything sounds very very raw at the moment.

You must've felt so hurt when you found out about the affair. All that on top of living with his serious addiction. You've had a really difficult time. On your own with 4 little ones too. That sounds so tough. I can understand why part of you would consider a reconciliation.

However the fact that you're looking at dating is a strong indication to me that your heart is not into salvaging your marriage. And I don't blame you. You've tolerated a lot of shit. Maybe you told him because you wanted to hurt him like he's hurt you. Or maybe you want to lower his hope of a reconciliation.

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to go back there. I don't think anyone would. I know you're worried because he's vulnerable. Addiction is really awful to be around. Awful for your kids too I imagine.

Thank you for those nice posts. I’ve been sat here feeling like a huge dick so it’s good to remember that the last 6 Months have been absolute hell and he’s put me through so much. He’s really been pressuring me into reconciliation and honestly no, my heart isn’t in it.

You don’t have to wait until he is ready to go to marriage counselling. It’s totally justified for you to say enough is enough. You don’t have to dance to his tune. I agree with the others that dating isn’t a good idea. I think you know that but you told him about it to try to get him angry so he would let you off the hook of your marriage. You don’t need to do that, it sounds like you have been through hell and deserve to peruse your own happiness. If it’s not with him, just decide that you are done. All the best for the future

No. I'm not surprised it's not. He should not be pressuring you at all.

And I actually don't think you're being unreasonable to want to date. It sounds like you have already checked-out of your marriage. You darent tell 'D'H though because he's vulnerable and you're worried about causing him any distress. The thing is, he seriously fucked you over. The addiction alone was reason enough to want out. The affair was the straw that broke the donkey's back. I think you need to now find the strength to tell 'D'H. That's what your text was about really - you want him to know that you're not up for it. I think you'll need to be clearer with him. He's obviously persistent so try to stay strong and stick to your word.

Ok this thread has been really helpful. I actually did tell him I wanted a divorce but he begged me to go to counselling. I’m trying to discuss long term housing with him and he won’t even discuss it as he won’t accept that we might not be together eventually. And you’re right, I’ve already checked out. I don’t trust him, I don’t respect him and I can’t rely on him. I do love him but that’s not enough. I want stability and security and I’ll never get that with him. But I’m worried if I start divorce proceedings it will tip him back into addiction. I know that’s not my fault or problem but I need him as a co-parent, we’ve got 4 kids! Such a mess.