AIBU to go on this date (and to have told 'D'H)

[exhaustedmumof4]

Please be kind.

Backstory: ‘D’ H and I are separated. He’s a cocaine addict who has just got out of rehab and while he was there I discovered an affair with one of his female friends (still claiming it wasn’t sexual but admits to kissing and secret dates over many months). Lots and lots of lies told. I was devastated.

4 months later, we are split up but I have agreed to go to counselling with him to see if our marriage can be salvaged. We can’t start counselling until he is further on in his recovery (went to one session, they wouldn’t see us yet). He’s already relapsed a few tunes, once was after an argument with me. He is very vulnerable. I’m keeping my distance at the moment as I’m still very angry with him and don’t want to jeopardise his recovery any further. We have had sex a few times recently, the last time was a couple of weeks ago.

I’m basically in this limbo where we aren’t together but might be in the future, but can’t do anything about it yet. My self esteem has been in the gutter after finding out about his affair, and I’m on my own with 4 little kids and everything has been so stressful and depressing. For a bit of a laugh I joined Tinder and got chatting to a few guys and have been thinking about going on a date with one of them. ‘D’ H and I had discussed that maybe we might see other people but I’m not sure if he thought I was serious. Anyway, I sent him a message today to let him know I’m thinking about dating and he should feel free to do the same. He didn’t reply and now I’m wracked with self doubt. Is it wrong to go on a date? We are still married. Was it wrong to tell him? I don’t want to be deceitful but he’s probably upset. Advice please! If I’m being an asshole, please tell me (nicely)

The thing, regardless of whether you're by his or not, there's a pretty strong chance he'll relapse. And again.

I know you say co-parent but I think you're solo parenting a lot of the time and that is possibly a more stable option for both you and your DC... 💐

I can totally understand where you're coming from, OP - the idea of some straighforward, uncomplicated fun and sex must sound very appealing right now after all of the headfuck and hurt that your STBXH has put you through.

HOWEVER:

Online dating is a BEARPIT. Do not go into it vulnerable, sad, mixed up and conflicted, because you will be catnip to all the dickheads and users, and you could end up feeling even worse. Never, ever, ever think "I need a boost. I'll do online dating so I feel better about myself". It doesn't work that way. When you do decide to give it a go, go into it cheerful, with good self esteem and strong boundaries, listen to your gut and don't over invest.

I can't say I blame you tbh. I wouldn't feel guilty... he certainly didn't.

It reads like you and your husband are in the lead roles, and you’re looking for some bit players to join you on stage.

Please don’t just use people, it’s unkind.

Good luck in getting through this mess and out the other side.

I echo what send says. Online dating is brutal.

Even if you go on dates for fun and a hook-up, you're likely to be hurt when you realise the men want nothing more than sex from you. Even if you tell yourself that's all you're after, it's not really. Deep down you're most likely after some validation that you're still a nice and attractive person, to prove to yourself that it's your 'D'H that's a shit for treating you the way he has rather than it somehow being your fault.

Even if you were, on the off-chance, to meet a decent bloke - this is no situation to be bring a new man into. You need to sort out separating properly and make sure the DC are ok first.

Your just looking for a 'hook up'? Bloody hell. And you have 4 kids in this mess?

Grow up woman. Your poor kids

Last I heard mothers were allowed to have sex. I’m not sure how my kids would suffer from me dating when they’re with their dad? I’ve already said I recognise it’s a bad idea but not because it would scar my kids!!

No it really would just be for fun and sex. I wouldn’t want a relationship for a very very long time.

Nothing wrong with sex and fun - I think it's just that it seems that it's while you're still in limbo as to whether you are trying or not with your DH. If you make it clear it's over, and you truly believe deep down that it's over, then maybe you do just need to go and have some fun (while the kids are at their dads of course )

No nothing wrong with sex and fun but come on. Dad's just out of rehab. Still using. Your still sleeping together but discussing seeing other people. Your looking for a hook up. Sounds like an episode of Jeremy kyle

I say this kindly but I think you need to work out what is happening in your marriage and how you feel about your husband before dating someone else as it’s not very fair on the person you’re going on a date with.
In all honesty it also sounds like everything has been about him and his problems so maybe it’s time to focus on yourself and your children, for you to come first.

I feel sorry for my children too but not because of anything I’ve done. I can not control my husband and his drug use. I removed him from our house when I realised how much of a problem it was. I don’t do drugs, i don’t even really drink, I’ve been 100% faithful my whole marriage, and I’m there 24/7 for my children. You’re right, my life is sadly like a very middle class episode of Jeremy Kyle. But please don’t imply that I’m somehow further damaging my kids by thinking of dating. It’s not like they’re going to know.

I'm sorry if you thought I was implying you would damage your kids.

In all honestly though I think you need to concentrate on you and your kids for now. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Look after yourself for now. I really wish you well. And I'm sure you are a good mum

I am going to not go with the majority on this thread and say that dating isn't a good idea.

I think it's potentially a positive thing, but as others have said, as long as you prepare yourself for the toughness of online dating, and crucially, have other forms of escapism, looking after yourself, taking time for yourself, spending time with friends, etc etc, not just relying on dating, then potentially it could be positive. But it could be negative, are you strong enough at the moment to cope?

I do echo other posters when they say sort your marriage out asap though. You and your children need you to be decisive and create stability at this point and quickly.

I am not going to go that should have said, much clearer!

What's wrong with a bit of no strings sex between consenting adults?

I think my thought process was that I need to remind myself he’s not the only man in the world. We’ve been together since we were 20. I’m only in my early 30’s, I’m still young and look pretty good for having as many kids as I do. The woman he was cheating on me with is an alcoholic, drug addicted mess. So kindred spirits I guess!

I spend all week with the kids, I took a year off university so I could be there for them all the time after we split up. I have all Sunday to myself now as that is STBXH’s day with them, most of my friends are coupled up or expecting babies and I thought it would be nice to go do some fun stuff with some fun guys and laugh again for a bit.

I messaged ‘D’H and apologised, explained I shouldn’t have sent him that text but that we need a proper separation.

And why not? If you think it'll make you smile and won't complicate things then why should you not have some fun times?

OP - I am going to disagree with many people here and say - if hook up is what you are looking for, and feel like you need it - why, on earth, not.

None of us can really know what it feels like to have your story. And - it’s unlikely that your marriage still exists.
And just because on paper you are not divorced - it’s a technicality. You can’t have a relapsing addict in your house near your children. And if timing of that needs to fit with his rehab schedule - so be it.

You, on the other hand - you don’t need to bury yourself. Life is too short.

I’ve spent all afternoon in tears for some reason. I’ve not cried for weeks and weeks. I feel like I’m back to square one again when I really did think I was starting to get over things. Definitely dating would be a dumb move. I just want to stop feeling so sad. Life is such a struggle right now. My husband was always the person I’d turn to when I needed support and I can’t.

Whilst you're still emotionally entangled, whatever 'fun' you're seeking will be tainted by whatever ever drama is going on with your H. Disengage from him and don't put yourself in a position where you feel guilt towards the man who screwed you over.

Exhausted you’re going through a very tough time. There will be times where you feel like you’re going backwards. When this happened to me, I’d tell myself that it was better than being back with my ex and having to face it all again in future. There’s no way he’d change and I’d just be delaying the inevitable.

Think ahead to when this will be over. It’s hard right now but you will get there.

He’s really been pressuring me into reconciliation and honestly no, my heart isn’t in it.

Then don't do it. You deserve better. Look after yourself .

Either you want to reconcile or you want to date other men, the two simply don't go together.

If your heart is not in a reconciliation, then be honest with your H and end the marriage.

I wouldn't rush into dating either until you are emotionally ready for it. As someone else posted, concentrate on you and your DC for a while.

I don't think you're an arsehole, I think your human and that it's very understandable to want some fun, and to feel desirable etc after all this heavy crap that your husband has put you through. However, I do agree that it's best to clear up this mess with him before starting that new chapter of your life.

You are not responsible for him, he is not someone you could ever rely on and you deserve better. Do you really want such an unstable man in your home? Do you think that would be good for your kids? I think it's time to end things. I know you'll feel bad but he's done this to himself. Once the dust has settled , you can re-focus on yourself and give yourself some much needed attention!