AIBU to go on this date (and to have told 'D'H)

[exhaustedmumof4]

Please be kind.

Backstory: ‘D’ H and I are separated. He’s a cocaine addict who has just got out of rehab and while he was there I discovered an affair with one of his female friends (still claiming it wasn’t sexual but admits to kissing and secret dates over many months). Lots and lots of lies told. I was devastated.

4 months later, we are split up but I have agreed to go to counselling with him to see if our marriage can be salvaged. We can’t start counselling until he is further on in his recovery (went to one session, they wouldn’t see us yet). He’s already relapsed a few tunes, once was after an argument with me. He is very vulnerable. I’m keeping my distance at the moment as I’m still very angry with him and don’t want to jeopardise his recovery any further. We have had sex a few times recently, the last time was a couple of weeks ago.

I’m basically in this limbo where we aren’t together but might be in the future, but can’t do anything about it yet. My self esteem has been in the gutter after finding out about his affair, and I’m on my own with 4 little kids and everything has been so stressful and depressing. For a bit of a laugh I joined Tinder and got chatting to a few guys and have been thinking about going on a date with one of them. ‘D’ H and I had discussed that maybe we might see other people but I’m not sure if he thought I was serious. Anyway, I sent him a message today to let him know I’m thinking about dating and he should feel free to do the same. He didn’t reply and now I’m wracked with self doubt. Is it wrong to go on a date? We are still married. Was it wrong to tell him? I don’t want to be deceitful but he’s probably upset. Advice please! If I’m being an asshole, please tell me (nicely)

I'm so sorry you've been down. Maybe posting here and seeing the responses has helped to give some perspective. I think the enormity of what you've been through has hit. Your husband has let you all down and he's let himself down. Of course you're tearful. Sending you a huge hug xxxx

I think the main problem with a hook up (or 2) at this point is that your H doesn't believe you're separated. You've slept with him more than once and agreed to counselling some time in the vague whenever and even acquiesced to not sorting long term housing out because of it. In his mind you're pissed off and punishing him but you're still sort of a couple.

End it properly so there's no ambiguity. Then date every man in a ten mile radius if you want

Downtownabbey you’ve nailed it. I see us as separated and he sees it exactly as you describe. That’s my fault, I should have been much clearer. I’ve been struggling with the end, still am. I still love him in spite of everything and part of me hopes that now he’s getting the help he’s needed for so long, things would be different. Thing is, even though he is clean (or says he is) he’s still thinking like an addict. I can see it. He’s blameshifting, defensive, manipulative. I told him clearly today I want a proper separation for at least 6 months, no contact except about the DC and we both get individual therapy and then we’ll see how we both feel. He got really angry which I think says it all. I feel like he should be grateful I haven’t filed already.

The dating thing was fucking stupid, a passive aggressive way to piss him off. I can see that now. About to see my therapist. Very necessary!

Oh love you have been through the wringer.

I get the idea behind a few fun dates but honestly it will just muddy the waters right now. Forget about men and dating completely for a while and concentrate on you.

Try and spend your child free time doing things that make you happy. Go to the cinema or shopping or book a spa day. Anything you fancy. An addiction and an affair is so much to have process you need to heal.

Give yourself your full attention before you start thinking of giving it to someone else.