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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just found out my mum is a OW [EDITED by MNHQ]

57 replies

coffeelover1 · 13/11/2017 14:14

I am really angry and upset and could do with some advice. I took the day off work today to spend the day with my mother. We are very close and she told me that she had something to tell me. I know that she has been seeing someone for the last few months but she was always cagey about telling me who this person was. It turns out that the person she is seeing is a married man with 3 children. I vaguely remember his eldest child as she was the year below me in school! She tells me that he is getting divorced soon but she lives with his wife! I am just so angry and ended up arguing with her and cut my day with her short.

I am so embarrassed by what she is doing. I have a few friends I could speak with tonight about this. I don't want to loose my relationship with my mother other this but at the same time I am so angry. She has lied to me over the last few months and I cannot believe that she would do this to someone. I just posted to vent, I am so angry right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeelover1 · 13/11/2017 14:15

Sorry, I was so angry I could not spell properly. This man that she is seeing still lives with his wife.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/11/2017 14:18

Well, while I sympathise with your plight, that's not half as exciting as I thought it was going to be from your title - I assumed that your mum was having an affair with your partner/husband!

It's horrible, but it is her life, sorry. All you can do is tell her that you're not happy and would rather not talk about it, and ask her why she is with someone who is happy to cheat on his own wife and risk his family's happiness? But since it's been going on a while, I doubt you'll have much effect - she obviously doesn't care about his wife or children :(

sofato5miles · 13/11/2017 14:21

I too thought you mother was shagging your husband.

Ad it Is, I would find it hard to get massively worked up.

BenLui · 13/11/2017 14:21

I can see why you’re so upset.

I might suggest she joins MN and works her way through a few threads in Relationships to understand the kind of hurt and damage she is assisting in causing another woman.

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 13/11/2017 14:33

I am really sorry about the misleading title. Is there anyway that I can get it changed? I was very annoyed when I posted and did not really think. I feel a bit better now.

Thanks for the advice. I just feel so let down if that makes sense? I have always looked up to my mum and just cannot believe what she is doing. His poor wife is totally oblivious to what is going on and she seems convinced that he is going to divorce his current wife to be with my mum. The deception is that is annoying me the most. She was also trying to justify herself to me and apparently he is a really "nice" guy and his wife is "abusive".

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/11/2017 14:38

Oh dear. Sounds like she's been spun a line by a lying cheat. All you can do is be there for her whenever it goes tits up, but keep yourself at a distance that makes you comfortable.

If you want to get your title changed, report your own opening post and ask them to change the title wording to "an OW", rather than "the OW" - that will reduce the confusion. :)

BenLui · 13/11/2017 14:39

coffee report your post to MN and ask them to edit the title (although I thought it was pretty clear tbh).

We tend to think of our parents are moral paragons, which of course they aren’t even in the best of circumstances. It must be pretty shocking to find out your Mum’s values and principles fall far below the standards she brought you up with.

The justifications are selfish and that would upset me too.

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 13/11/2017 14:45

I will report my post title, I don't want it to be misinterpreted.

I always go to my mum's for Christmas but maybe this year will give it a miss. The fact she was trying to justify her behaviour is what angered me the most. I just can't be part of it. I looked him up on Facebook and found his wife as well through Facebook. They are going on holiday soon (according to a recent post) yet my mum is certain he is getting divorced soon Confused.

I am back at work tomorrow so will hopefully be distracted from this whole mess. If she won't listen maybe I should be there when this all falls apart.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/11/2017 14:46

I wouldn’t be impressed either and I would distance ,shelf from someone who thought that was ok conduct

ButchyRestingFace · 13/11/2017 14:47

I don't want to loose my relationship with my mother other this but at the same time I am so angry

Well, no. Would you still expect your mother to love you and maintain a relationship with you if you were doing something she disapproved of?

Or would you expect, and be okay with, her cutting off contact?

(not talking acts of extreme criminality here)

You’re perfectly entitled to tell her you seriously disapprove, do not want to meet him or have him discussed in your presence, mind. I’d do that.

Pogmella · 13/11/2017 14:49

I'd be livid too. And I wouldn't want to meet the scummy guy either, he's spinning them both a few lines I reckon...

Lovemusic33 · 13/11/2017 14:50

I think you should just let her get on with it. He will either divorce his wife or he won't (chances are he won't). Not much you can do about the situation other than prepare for your mum to be heart broken when he dicides he's not leaving his wife.

WeLikeLucy · 13/11/2017 14:51

My parents split up about ten years ago. Since then, they have both done a range of weird embarrassing things - behaving like teenagers. My Mum has dated married men as well. Both of my parent's lie and do ridiculous things. Nothing surprises me anymore.

Parent's are just human. I've stopped worrying about it. It's her life - there is nothing you can do about it and you might as well let her get on with it.

CrabappleCake · 13/11/2017 14:51

You know what... life is complicated and relationships are complicated. I'd listen, try not to judge too much and be there for when it all falls apart.

She's still your mum and its brilliant that you have a close enough relationship for her to tell you this even if you didn't want to hear it.

You can tell her you don't want to be her confidante, that you don't want to hear details - but fundamentally I wouldn't fall out about it or cancel Christmas.

Life is a bit crap and people do end up with people they really shouldn't. She's going to need a shoulder to cry on soon....

TammySwansonTwo · 13/11/2017 14:52

Unfortunately I learned pretty young that my parents were fallible human beings. My mum made bloody awful relationship decisions when she was alive and paid for them terribly. I understand if you want to keep your distance but chances are this won't end well so she may need you soon enough.

WinnieFosterTether · 13/11/2017 14:54

If you've always looked up to her then I don't understand why you're this angry. If this happened to someone I looked up to then I'd feel sorry for them that they were being taken for a ride by a man who is an habitual cheat and liar.
Isolating your DM is going to make her even more vulnerable to his bullshit. It's not going to end well and she'll need your support.

lizzieoak · 13/11/2017 14:58

I am preparing to be chased with lit torches and pitchforks here, but I don’t see why this is your issue.

Your mum is engaged in a consensual relationship (which will end in tears for someone - probably her). Yes the wife would be very upset, but people (including our mums) are not perfect and make choices we would not make etc. You may have done some things your mum looked askance at. When I was little I stole something from a shop, and as a teenager I smoked way more pot than was strictly necessary. My parents loved me despite all this and more.

Just prepare to support her when her cake eater lets her down. And when she’s ready, introduce her to some nice single man.

Jaxhog · 13/11/2017 14:59

Look at it this way. HE'S the lying cheat. Your mum is probably being lied too as well. She may need your support at some point. This rarely ends well.

StressedtoHellandback · 13/11/2017 15:06

I am assuming here that your mum is single and she is not being unfaithful in her life. From that I assume that your mum lives alone without a partner and probably all children/you have left home. Maybe she has been feeling a bit lonely and this man has been flattering to her. It is hard for grown up children to see their parents as individuals and not just Mum (or Dad). I can be hard on some folks to be alone and maybe she was looking for the company of someone.

It is not easy to take on board that our parents are very human, this is a huge thing she has done putting herself in the position of being the all hated OW she may be very fond of the man or extremely lonely. Whichever the case is I suggest you wait silently without judgement because likely she is going to need your shoulder at some point

Sweetpea55 · 13/11/2017 15:09

Is he saying he'll divorce hIs wife after the holiday? Then it will be 'after christmas' ,,,Next it will be 'when the kids have left school'..

There will probably always be a reason why not.. I can see you are upset,,and probably feel as embarrassed as hell. But your mums a human being after all..She might be flattered by all the attention..But you can bet she'll need your support when the cack hits the fan.
Sending you a hug,x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/11/2017 15:09

The ghouls on here who were looking forward to hearing that your mother was cheating with your husband... what is wrong with you?

I agree with lizziepitchforks, this isn't really anything to do with you and you can ask your mother not to discuss this with you if it's going to upset you.

If this man is getting a divorce then he will be free to be with your mother and at least they're not prolonging the cheating.

QueenThisTime · 13/11/2017 15:10

My mum did this, more than once (including when she was married and when she was divorced). Ultimately she ended up with a man who she'd been seeing while he was still with his wife. I know how you feel, it isn't nice. In my case there was a big extended family who all took sides and I had to make it clear to some people that I did not support what she was doing.

Of course it's her business but you have every right to find it distressing and/or disapprove of it, if that's how you feel.

Justbreathing · 13/11/2017 15:11

I think in all honesty you need to be there for your mum. Even good people do things that are not good.
She is going to go through hell, I will tell you that now. If he can go on holiday then it doesn't seem that things are that bad.
Maybe they are. Maybe he is desperately unhappy, I would suggest to her that she takes a break and lets him work out what he wants to do with his life.

We all think we wouldn't end up in your mothers situation, but if shes older and on her own and lonely then she is very vulnerable to getting into this type of situation.

As others have said, you are close to your mum and she will need you now more than ever,

Wheresthebeach · 13/11/2017 15:12

I understand how you feel. Sadly there is little you can do. Like others I think she's being lied to and being very very foolish.

Men who want a divorce generally get one pretty sharpish. Warn her, say your piece then plan to be there when it all goes belly up.

HeckyPeck · 13/11/2017 15:12

They are going on holiday soon (according to a recent post) yet my mum is certain he is getting divorced soon confused.

Do you think your mum believes that they are separated?

If she genuinely believes that (even if you think the evidence suggests otherwise) then perhaps you're being a bit unfair to be so angry with her. It sounds like she's fallen for his lies about being separated. Maybe you're anger should be at his deception rather than her naivety?