Just found out my mum is a OW [EDITED by MNHQ]

[coffeelover1]

I am really angry and upset and could do with some advice. I took the day off work today to spend the day with my mother. We are very close and she told me that she had something to tell me. I know that she has been seeing someone for the last few months but she was always cagey about telling me who this person was. It turns out that the person she is seeing is a married man with 3 children. I vaguely remember his eldest child as she was the year below me in school! She tells me that he is getting divorced soon but she lives with his wife! I am just so angry and ended up arguing with her and cut my day with her short.

I am so embarrassed by what she is doing. I have a few friends I could speak with tonight about this. I don't want to loose my relationship with my mother other this but at the same time I am so angry. She has lied to me over the last few months and I cannot believe that she would do this to someone. I just posted to vent, I am so angry right now.

Hi all,

The OP has been in touch with concerns that the title may be misleading, so we've edited it now.

I have reported my post to MN so hope the title can be changed to avoid misleading anyone.

Thank you for all the advice and support. Maybe I am overreacting. If she had come to me and told me what was going on and said that she needed a shoulder to cry on, of course I would have reacted differently. I lost my temper when she boldly told me that they were in love (fair enough), and that he was going to divorce his wife because she is abusive, etc. They have one young child at home and I asked who the child would be living with and she said obviously with his stbxw. She is well aware that they still live together and told me this. The whole situation makes me feel both embarrassed and annoyed. I have always looked up to my mum and this has come as quite a shock.

I'm not laissez faire with scummy situations like this either. I'm completely with you op. I'd be very angry too.

Age with a pp who suggests she takes a look at MN to get the ghost of 1. The immense pain her actions cause and 2. The lies she could well be falling for re the cheaters script.

You might also point out to her he is likely to do to her what he's currently doing to his wife. She probably won't listen - their situation is 'different'

Agree/gist wtf has happened to my predictive lately

You don't have to approve but please be there for your mum when the shit hits the fan and his wife finds out and he dumps your mum like hot bricks....because I'd put my last ever mortgage payment on that being what's going to happen......

I would feel the same as you. The number of times I hear men in affairs talk about an abusive Ex is unbelievable.

If she wants support from women (and men) in her position I'd advise looking and posting here. You can also post and see what other OWs say.

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/

I'd love you to come back in a years time and see how far the divorce has gone. My prediction ous it won't have got anywhere.

Your mum will be the one heartbroken in the end. He'll make one excuse after another and of he's exposed... well .. yor mum will be thrown under the bus.

I see how you can lose respect for her in this situation.

OP - it’s not your life and your choices. It’s your mom’s and that man’s.

I presume you are an adult - so those ‘children’ you mention he has - are all adults too.
None of us (you including) know what his home life is. Or, for that matter - how your mom feels.

And - until you are the same age as your mom - and actually understand how it all feels - I am not sure judging her is warranted.

Ahh I think I misread. I thought your mum thought they were separated, but living in the same house while waiting for the divorce rather than just him doing the usual 'I'll leave her for you' line.

I'd be unimpressed too. I'd tell my mum what I thought then try and help her to see the truth & support her to get out of the situation if I could.

@Josuk

I presume you are an adult - so those ‘children’ you mention he has - are all adults too

Did you miss this bit below?

They have one young child at home

I wonder how your DM would feel if you told her your DH/DP had an OW.

She's falling for that same old story from the cheaters handbook ... and it becomes your business one your told.

Shamefully you went to the same school as his children... which could cause a few issues when and if it gets out.

People don't necessarily separate you from her sadly and the fallout could be far reaching.

Here's an example ftom an ExOW

I told him how his Wife was so low to target my children with messages ...... Our A was 4.5 years by then) I told him she couldnt get to me so she took it out on my kids

OP, don't go on that forum, really. It's not going to help you and it's just going to wind you up further.

No, you're not going to be suffering because your mum is seeing a married man. Posters on MN are not a reflection of RL and why would anybody make that distinction? There so much scaremongering on here and it's a bit sad because it seems that it's to rally up a bit of drama rather than offer any real help.

You can't help how you feel but you can ask your mum to keep you completely out of it.

Sandy, why is it shameful that the op went to the same school as the older (adult) child of the OM? They’d have to meet somewhere. And if the wife found out and if she took it out on the op (which sounds highly unlikely), then the op can feel free to ignore such behaviour. Hat really does sound like scaremongering as LyingWitch says. And if someone did behave like that then they probably are also an abusive spouse.

I do realize many men in affairs are lying, but there have got to e a few who are married to emotionally abusive partners.

Whatever the case is, and especially as she’s in love, your mum is not in an easy place. I hope you can come to a rapprochement and not cancel Christmas.

I meant shameful add in embarrassing that she knows them (his children) even if distantly.

It would be better to be people you didn't know at all. People who wouldn't know any mutual friends or acquaintances.

Not saying an affair is ever good.... but play as far away from home and avoid anyone who has links with your family members... it can get very messy.

I think it's really poor form of you to cut and paste posts like that from another forum, SandyY2K and I'm wondering what your motives are in doing so.

I wouldn't want anyone I remotely know, to know my mum is an OW.
That's the shame I mean.

Grow up.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Focus your comments towards the OP and stop causing unnecessary diversions.

I'm just wondering, SandyY2K when you are EVER going to stop projecting all over MN?

You've posted a ridiculous comment (or several) on this thread and they're seriously insensitive towards the OP or anybody else in this situation.

This thread isn't about YOU.

Really? (Be shamed my parents’ actions). I’ve never felt that my family’s behaviours reflects well or poorly on me. They’re adults, they make choices that I have zero input on. Even my adult and almost adult kids - I’m reluctant to take credit for their behaviour as they make their own decisions about how to function in the world.

And the world is complicated. Obviously I have some moral absolutes, but they mostly involve people and animals with less power than I have. Would I punch a shark? Absolutely. Would I harm a small animal? Never. (I don’t eat animals).

I try to treat adults ethically, but at the same time I try not to fault adults for their transgressions. He who is without sin shall cast the first stone and all. I’ve know good, bad, and in between people in affairs. I’ve known good, bad, and in between people who have never had an affair, stay married, and in marriage or partnership break their partner’s hearts daily with their abusive, shitty behaviour.

My exh had an affair. The behaviour in the years and years preceding him meeting the ow were (for me) much more damaging.

The OP has already said she's ashamed of what her mum is doing.

I think being embarrassed of a family member's bad behaviour/poor choices is quite normal

I’d find my mum shagging a married man deeply embarrassing, and I’d tell her so.

Strongly advise her to use a condom every time for STDs!

Really? Must just be me then!

I hsd something similar OP my DM has been OW twice after divorcing my DF partly due to his infidelity. I still can’t understand causing someone else pain (which in one case it did quite terribly) when you know what it’s like to have it happen to you

You are shocked so give yourself some time and once it sinks in decide how you wish to handle your relationship. I certainly couldn’t be her confidante

She’s your mum. I wouldn’t really be worrying too much about the man or his wife, just her wellbeing.