Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be wary of this man?

58 replies

anotherbadusername · 05/11/2017 00:14

Just started dating new man. He seems really nice, we get on really well and we have a lot to chat about. We met online a month ago, have been on two dates (We are both single parents so difficult to meet) and chat a bit most days.

My issues of wariness. We haven't slept together but he loves talking about sex (almost every other conversation comes back go how sexy I am and how much he wants me). We had arranged to meet today and last night at 1130 he called to tell me how gorgeous and sexy I was, how much he liked me and how he was looking forward to having sex with me eventually. Today he told me his wife walked out on him and his child and how awful she was (I am sure she didn't behave well given he has some custody of their child). I have been around the block enough times to know that people don't just go over the edge and leave their kids for no reason and I wondered what his part in it was.

I think if if hadn't been for the late night call I might not have had the thought today but wonder if anyone else thinks his behaviour is a bit odd.

OP posts:
knowsmorethansnow · 05/11/2017 00:16

If every other convo came back to sex I would be worried that’s all he wants.

Smeaton · 05/11/2017 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/11/2017 00:23

What do you mean ‘he has some custody’?

Cricrichan · 05/11/2017 00:23

The sex talk after only a month and not having had sex yet would put me right off him. I'd also feel uncomfortable at him slagging his ex off already.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/11/2017 00:30

Well, he's certainly enthusiastic about sex. Are you? More to the point, are you enthusiastic about the idea of having sex with him? If you're not that fussed, then you're not very compatible.

It's not necessarily wrong to like sex, and to want sex with someone you are dating ie the fact that he makes it clear he would like to have sex with you doesn't make him some kind of beast. How have you responded to his sex-related conversation so far? Have you let him know you'd prefer him to back off a bit, or have you ignored it? If you haven't been very enthusiastic in your response but he keeps on, it does suggest he's not the fastest at picking up hints, I suppose...

velouria · 05/11/2017 00:32

He's trying to get you into bed, who knows his motivations after that. Do you want to sleep with him? Would you be devastated if he ghosted you after?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to sleep with someone, no amount of game playing will deter a determined player. It totally depends on what you want from him, I'd side on the fuck him off if you want a long term relationship, more casual, then crack on.

roconnell · 05/11/2017 00:33

Two red flags here for me.

  1. Constantly bringing sex into the conversation. I know this wouldn't be a red flag for everyone, but this would make me really uncomfortable. If you've only met twice, in my opinion this is too much too soon. Personally I would cool off on the basis of this alone.
  1. Bitching about his ex. Sure if he wants to tell you the situation that's fine, I don't know if this is the case but if he's been saying she's awful, she's a bad mother, or generally saying bad things about her I'd be careful. From personal experience I always listen very carefully to how men/potential partners talk about women.

Up to you OP, if this was me I'd probably keep seeing him, but I'd pull back a little bit. Watch and wait, see how he reacts to a slight pulling back. I wouldn't say anything, just be 'really busy' for a bit. Try not to overinvest emotionally. Follow your instincts.

oldlaundbooth · 05/11/2017 00:38

I'd be wary.

Talking about sex all the time?

Calling you at 11.30pm to chat about sex?

Rings bell for me.

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 05/11/2017 00:40

argh there are loads out there that just mention sex all the time - i avoid

Nettletheelf · 05/11/2017 00:44

I’d find that a bit creepy, I’m afraid. He’s really going out of his way to woo you romantically isn’t he: late night booty calls talking about sex!

Jellyheadbang · 05/11/2017 00:51

Sorry thread derail alert: is reanimatedSGB solidgoldbrass?
I wondered where she'd got to...
Anyway blast from the past if it is.
Carry on.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/11/2017 00:59

Yup. .

As you were, everyone else...

Jellyheadbang · 05/11/2017 02:17

Haha! That's so cool! You won't know me as I've name changed a gadzillion times but I used to love your contributions and really interesting insights from your experiences x

CaretakerToNuns · 05/11/2017 02:33

Cut all contact, OP.

Going on and on about sex and slagging off (probably lying about, even) his ex are two major red flags.

troodiedoo · 05/11/2017 02:39

He sounds like a twat. Run away!

Fluffybrain · 05/11/2017 02:53

You say he seems really nice but if he’s bringing up sex all the time and it’s making you feel uncomfortable then does he really seem nice?
You’re alarm bells are ringing for a reason.
He’s pushing at your boundaries already.
Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and see how he reacts.

WanderingTrolley1 · 05/11/2017 03:19

I’d be very wary.

NamasteNiki · 05/11/2017 03:25

I didnt read all of your post. I got as far as you havent known him long.

You are wary of ANYONE you hardly know regardless of what they say.

MyOtherProfile · 05/11/2017 03:29

It's a bit presumptive. You've met twice, you've known him for a month and he's going on all the time about how he can't wait to sleep with you. Does he realise you get to choose if that happens?

mathanxiety · 05/11/2017 03:40

Two red flags.

50/50 custody (if that is what he has) is not uncommon. It doesn't mean anything either good or bad about either party.

AhYerWill · 05/11/2017 08:45

Personally I don't like blokes starting up with loads of sex talk before we've got that far, so tend to shut it down. If they carry on, I see it as a red flag and bin - it's not the sex talk so much as the ignoring of my boundaries thats the issue.

If you're enthusiastically going along with it, then maybe not a red flag (although still an indicator that he's more interested in a shag than a relationship) if you're changing the subject/ignoring/asking him not to keep bringing it up then fuck him right off.

I'm also not keen on the 'my ex is a bitch, it's all her fault' type of line. Fine to say 'she left me for someone else, it's been difficult' but be very wary if he's slagging her off and saying how awful she is. It either means he really isn't over it and not emotionally ready for a new relationship, or he's the sort of angry bitter person that is always hard done by, and everything is always someone elses fault (completely overlooking their own glaring fuckwittery).

FinallyHere · 05/11/2017 08:54

Wot mathanxiety said ^ Arrangements for custody are all about the best interest of the children and nothing to do with any reasons for the split.

I would find the constant turning of every conversation back to sex tedious. When I am getting to know someone, I want to know what they think about things, so i can compare what they say to how they behave and spot any inconsistencies.

[In case this is not clear, if they say one thing and do another, they are lying to make a good impression, which they will drop as soon as they are sure of their ground].

In your situation, I might try to discourage the turn every conversation to sex. I would ask him whether he was interested in anything else and take it from there. He may just be nervous and unsure how to act, with a real live woman. If he quickly picks up on a very small amount of very, very gentle suggestion he drop sex as a topic for a while, I'd continue trying to find out more. If not, I would decide to listen to what he is saying and decide whether I wanted to spend any more time with him, based on this information. If he is really only interested in sex, I would nit be interested in him. Simples.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/11/2017 09:23

There's also the fact that, if you've only known someone a few weeks, it's absolutely fine to say, 'This isn't really working for me, bye' and block contact. If he's making you feel bored/creeped out/uncomfortable then why bother seeing him? Too many people. particularly women, put up with shitty men (or even just no-good-enough-for-them men) because of this idea that a woman without a Man In Her Life is a freak or a failure.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/11/2017 09:24

Is he fourteen?

If not, why can't he keep conversation general, getting to know you type stuff, rather than having to veer it off to talk about sex all the time? I think he wants sex above all else, so if you want a real relationship, I'd bin him off. Imagine having to live with it day to day..
'How was work?'
'Great, but I spent all day imagining you in lingerie.'
'Did you get that promotion?'
'No, because in the interview all I could think about was you in bed..'

Urgh.

Original poster
anotherbadusername · 05/11/2017 09:59

It wasn't really shagging her off - yesterday was the first time he mentioned her and I meant sole custody.

I do like him and will sleep with him eventually but I just thought it was odd.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread