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Original poster

Would you be wary of this man?

58 replies

anotherbadusername · 05/11/2017 00:14

Just started dating new man. He seems really nice, we get on really well and we have a lot to chat about. We met online a month ago, have been on two dates (We are both single parents so difficult to meet) and chat a bit most days.

My issues of wariness. We haven't slept together but he loves talking about sex (almost every other conversation comes back go how sexy I am and how much he wants me). We had arranged to meet today and last night at 1130 he called to tell me how gorgeous and sexy I was, how much he liked me and how he was looking forward to having sex with me eventually. Today he told me his wife walked out on him and his child and how awful she was (I am sure she didn't behave well given he has some custody of their child). I have been around the block enough times to know that people don't just go over the edge and leave their kids for no reason and I wondered what his part in it was.

I think if if hadn't been for the late night call I might not have had the thought today but wonder if anyone else thinks his behaviour is a bit odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherbadusername · 05/11/2017 10:06

'Slagging her off' not shagging.

When I told him I didn't like the way he spoke he didn't do it for a few days and was really respectful but then it started up again.

OP posts:
Wh1stles · 05/11/2017 10:13

I agree with PPs, two big red flags there. He wants to shag you. It sounds like his wife was desperate to get away.

Call him out. Tell him that you're not up for all the sex talk. I'd actually tell him you want good sex in time with the right person and good conversation. Tell him listening to him talk about sex is not good conversation.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 05/11/2017 10:15

So you’ve told him you didn’t like all the sex talk and he’s completely ignored you.

He is showing you he doesn’t think your likes/opinions/feelings count.

That is a big red flag.

Bin him.

NotTheFordType · 05/11/2017 10:15

When I told him I didn't like the way he spoke he didn't do it for a few days and was really respectful but then it started up again.

That doesn't bode well to me.

Are you looking for a serious relationship, or do you have time to spend on a FWB situation? Because I'd assume he's after the latter.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 05/11/2017 10:16

Wh1stles the op has already told him she doesn’t like it.

ddrmum · 05/11/2017 10:20

Not much respect for your feelings/boundaries this early on? Why on earth would you bother sleeping with or emotionally investing in someone like that? Sadly speak from bitter experience on this one - ignored the red flags etc. It didn't end well.

SparklingRaspberry · 05/11/2017 10:30

Urgh yeah. Seems like a sleaze

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 05/11/2017 10:52

When I told him I didn't like the way he spoke he didn't do it for a few days and was really respectful but then it started up again

It's lovely to feel desired but ignoring boundaries is a sackable offense to me. Since it's started up again have you told him to stop it? Then again, why give him another chance when he can't even do that simple thing.

MiniTheMinx · 05/11/2017 10:56

Men date women because they want sex. Men date women who they want sex with. Men don't usually date a woman they don't want sex with. It's not complicated.

Flirting, fine. Telling you they think you're sexy, gorgeous, attractive fine. Saying they want you, fancy you want to have sex fine. Normal. Unable to string a sentence together on any other subject is boring, and unless you just want sex then of course it's probably a waste of your time. Why bother.

But physical attraction should be there. I'm a woman and I wouldn't waste my evening dating a man I didn't want sex with. Neither would I give it several dates to see if I would. I know within minutes of meeting if I fancy someone. But I can wait, they will have to wait too.

I can't help thinking that for many men past experiences have led them to believe that women don't want sex. We don't like it, we endure it as the price we pay to have relationships with men. That I believe is the reason why men want to talk about it. Also that physical attraction is what invests them in dating you instead of a woman they don't fancy.

As for talking about an ex, I have never got into a conversation about it early on. I have zero interest in hearing it. If a man kept wanting to talk about his ex I'd exit. It's a conversation for a later date. Plus if I Intuit from this that there are unresolved issues, and it's his only conversation I'd be bored. If he slags off his ex I might change the conversation to a more general chat about equality and feminism to gage his attitude towards women.

FinallyHere · 05/11/2017 13:30

When I told him I didn't like the way he spoke he didn't do it for a few days and was really respectful but then it started up again.

How would you feel if this was going t be your future? If this is what he is like early on,at least you know.. Would you, could you , should you put up with that. For me if would be a no.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/11/2017 00:03

Overall: you're not having much fun with him, he keeps talking about having sex with you when you would rather he didn't keep on about it - why bother? Bin and move on. You don't owe him any of your time, or any sexual activity.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/11/2017 00:12

You'll sleep with him 'eventually'? Dump and move on. You will not make each other happy. You are either not all that bothered about sex or you have a firm belief that access to your twinkle is some sort of prize that has to be earned.

I always find it a bit odd that adults with previous sexual experience want to make a new potential sexual partner wait for some wierd random length of time or number of dates before having any kind of sex. Once you've got over the wierd patriarchal idea of 'virginity' you either want sex with someone or not, (Nothing wrong with either attitude). If you want to have sex, have some. If you don't, fair enough, but don't mess about expecting the other person to pass a lot of unspoken tests before you'll take your pants off.

userxx · 06/11/2017 00:18

The sex thing would put me right off, sounds like he's feeding his own ego which leads me to the ex wife, was she having an affair? People who generally just up and leave have someone else waiting in the wings. I wouldn't put his wife leaving purely on him.

notangelinajolie · 06/11/2017 00:26

Ditch. He's playing the victim card which is a big red flag. And all that sex talk from a men you haven't actually had sex with would put me right off - clearly he has only one thing on his mind. He sounds very immature.

Fluffybrain · 06/11/2017 03:27

ReanimatedSGB I find your post shocking and disturbing. OP has every right to choose when and who she has sex with and who she doesn’t at any given time. How dare you suggest otherwise. Choosing to wait to have sex until she is sure that’s what she wants is totally acceptable. You telling her to have sex with him or dump him is totally unacceptable.

ladybird69 · 06/11/2017 03:40

I’d be very wary. Is he still married? Only saying that because my ex (when we were still married) used to disappear for the odd weekend to ‘find’ himself approaching the big 50. Found out that he was meeting up with women he’d met online for sex! I heard him on face chat running me down to one of them about what a crap wife and mother I was, yet I was the one at home not off shagging some stranger. Sounds like he’s just like my ex after one thing!

TDHManchester · 06/11/2017 04:51

I'm male and my advice is,ditch him. This isn't normal. If i were dating a lady i would certainly have a wider range of subject matter to discuss and would likely avoid any talk of an overt sexual nature unless she raised it. A girl might think that all you want to do is get laid, which for me is low priority but clearly not for him. He is weird, do yourself a favour,,ditch.

MinorRSole · 06/11/2017 07:40

I agree with fluffybrain, there is nothing wrong with actually getting to know someone before you jump into bed with them. There’s nothing wrong with having sex sooner if that’s what you both want but for a lot of people that’s not the case.
Personally I don’t want to get out of bed following sex and have to ask him how he takes his tea. A bit tongue in cheek before anybody takes that literally but I do like to get to know a person before they see me naked

expatinscotland · 06/11/2017 08:10

So you told him to cool it with all the adolescent talk and he did for 5 minutes and then carried on? C'mon to fuck! Get rid.

FinallyHere · 06/11/2017 10:13

I wrote quite a lengthy post in response to the 'wait a random period of time' post, but ditched it when I got as far as expatinscotland's post. Spot on as ever.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/11/2017 11:10

Sure, OP has the right to choose whether or not to have sex with anyone. But there is still this weird idea that if you have sex with someone you desire 'too soon' you are 'easy' and that this is a bad thing. It all contributes to the harmful myth that women don't like sex and only allow men to do it to them in exchange for something (like 'commitment' or cash).
OP clearly isn't getting much fun out of spending time with this man, so I don't see why she doesn't just bin him. 'Dick is abundant and of low value'.

Happyfoodie50 · 06/11/2017 11:36

This is exactly what happened to me. He would dropbin how gorgeous I was and couldn’t wait to see me undressed. Put me right off but I did say something and said I wasn’t comfortable as didn’t know him well. It stopped for abit but then started again. I dumped him and he sent me a really long letter about how he had fallen for him and old broken his heart. He then turned up on my doorstep with gifts and in the end it took another month to break contact as felt really bad.I then saw on Facebook he was suddenly in a relationship after another few weeks. I dodged a bullet. I think quickly talking about sex all the time puts me right off and bot my cup of tea.

yetmorecrap · 06/11/2017 13:07

I have to be honest, ‘any’ mention of sex before I’ve known them
Long and certainly if there hadn’t been any, for me is a complete no, no. Clearly if some women go there from the word go, their boundaries aren’t mine

ReanimatedSGB · 06/11/2017 20:46

Quite a lot of lasting, happy relationships begin by people meeting each other in a club and having sex the same night. There's a fair bit to be said for finding out if you're compatible in bed before you spend too much time 'getting to know each other'. Obviously, each to their own, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex and not wait.

expatinscotland · 06/11/2017 20:52

Oh, I agree, SGB. For me it would be the fact that she's not into the sexy talk and he is and that when she told him this, he didn't respect that boundary and just think, 'Okay, not on same page in this, time to move on.' At any rate, you aren't compatible, OP, move on.