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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hopeless husbands - they can't all be like this!

70 replies

Mishappening · 25/10/2017 08:47

This forum is littered with posts about men who are hopeless partners: thoughtless, abusive (in every possible way), financially mean, totally uninvolved with their children, refuse to take their share of housework etc.

Ladies - why do you partner up with men like this? Is the desire to have a man at all costs, or to have children so all-encompassing that it overrides common sense and personal pride? What are you doing with these wastrels? Is there no hint before the children arrive that they might be a bit lacking in some way?

It would be lovely to have a thread where folk tell us about their great partners! It is so depressing to hear about these useless people who are bringing up the next generation.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 25/10/2017 08:50

Perhaps it's because people tend not to post about partners who are just doing their share. Which is probably the majority.

People only ever post when they need help or a rant.

The number of useless partners is probably equal to the amazing ones with both being far outnumbered by th ones in th emiddle who do their share.

SoupDragon · 25/10/2017 08:51

why do you partner up with men like this? Is the desire to have a man at all costs, or to have children so all-encompassing that it overrides common sense and personal pride?

That's a pretty nasty thing to say, TBH.

deepestdarkestperu · 25/10/2017 08:52

You only hear the negative because people don’t need to ask for advice when things are going well.

Teddy7878 · 25/10/2017 08:53

I also don't understand why people choose to settle down with horrible partners who don't respect them, are lazy, abusive or untrustworthy.
I guess some people are master manipulators and very good liars though so could have their partners fooled in the early stages of the relationship. I also think people can change due to stress in their lives later down the line and it can turn them into a completely different person. And I also agree that some might just be so desperate to settle down that they'll compromise on doing it with a nice person and end up regretting it later on. Maybe financial reasons too?

My OH is far from perfect and drives me round the bend at times, but on the whole he's a kind, intelligent, very hard working, affectionate, good looking guy and I know he'd always help me out with anything. I could do far, far worse!

GrasswillbeGreener · 25/10/2017 08:54

I think there can be a lot of things that aren't obvious until you are actually living with someone. My husband has an awful lot of faults (so do I) - and it took me years to realise what was going on. Now trying to work out what to do to get our home life working the way it needs to.

monkeywithacowface · 25/10/2017 08:54

Ahh nothing like a bit of blaming and shaming. Women who stay with bad men are stupid and have no dignity. Nice.

SleepFreeZone · 25/10/2017 08:58

I thought the 'ladies, why do you partner up with men like this' part of the post was also a pretty shitty thing to write. Mental health issues? Dysfunctional childhood? Men who start off one way and then turn into arseholes down the road? There are all manner of reasons why rational women end up with fuckwits.

MrsBertBibby · 25/10/2017 09:02

Fail journos, why do you come on here trawling? Write your own damn stories.

2014newme · 25/10/2017 09:03

I ways wonder why women marry such incompetent men. I enjoy being married to a competent adult as do my friends. I can't imagine any of our husbands not doing their share of housework, cooking, childcare etc nor do any of our husbands play computer games. What with them being grown ups.

Walkacrossthesand · 25/10/2017 09:04

I also wonder if 'the romantic ideal' has something to do with it - we turn a blind eye to the warning signs in the name of 'love', perhaps believing he'll change when we live together/get married etc, then we think we need to 'work at it'... It can take a while to realise that only one person is doing any work here, and it's not him!

grasspigeons · 25/10/2017 09:23

Marriage is a very long thing and there are several knocks along the way. I have been with my partner for 26 years. I couldn't predict how he would react to being made redundant, or his mother's failing health, or how having children would change us both in different ways. I didn't know what I would do when made redundant, how I would cope with a new minor disability and so on.

I'm the reverse to you in that I don't get how static some people are with their lives. All this I work Tues, Wed, Thurs and he does bedtime, I earn this and put the bins put and he hoovers and does MOTs. And I think forever? Or just that's how life set you up right now.

woundedbutwalking · 25/10/2017 09:26

Maybe because posting about how perfect your life is tends to be rather crass?

pigeondujour · 25/10/2017 09:35

There are loads of those threads of people saying nice things about their partners.

MissLuna · 25/10/2017 09:50

God this is shitty. it can't just be that there are a disproportionate number of horrendous men out there - it has to be their wives' fault for marrying them! Alright then...

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2017 09:55

Wow!
There are so many reasons.
Have a google and you'll find some answers.

ravenmum · 25/10/2017 10:01

Yeah, for me it was the desire to have a man at all costs Hmm

Personally I find it more depressing to hear from people who are so smug, perfect and lacking any form of empathy that I feel shit about myself from the first word I read.

Original poster
Mishappening · 25/10/2017 10:03

Of course people change (on both sides) as time goes by and marriages fail through no direct fault of anyone. But some of these behaviours that are being described are so fundamental and reveal serious basic flaws. It makes me sad to hear about women under the thumb of these complete pillocks - and sad for their children, as the cycle could go round again and again without proper help - like the family centres that have been axed. Grrr.

TBH I think that society's expectation that a relationship should last for the whole of someone's life is a challenge too far, precisely because people do change. But it sounds as though some of these men have never been partner/parent material from day one. I feel for these women struggling to make a decent life for their children whilst saddled with these adult babies.

OP posts:
LewisThere · 25/10/2017 10:05

Yeah of corse, just because I wanted to have a man at all cost Hmm

Nope I have a useless husband atm because he didn't show up like this when we met. Independant, able to do his own cooking, looking respectful and open enough to be happy to go out and then get married with a foreigner. I was aware that we would have different ways of doing things so gave him a LOT of leeway too.

And then we had children and he turned into a 1950 sexist pig.
But I still didn't see it. It was all underhand, PA. I was running myself down to the ground up to the point I made myself ill. There was no space for me to step back and think/realise what was going on.

I'm seeing the light though.....

ravenmum · 25/10/2017 10:06

What is your question again?

LewisThere · 25/10/2017 10:07

If you do feel for those women, I would suggest to support them rather than making what feels to me a very judgemental post on how on earth they could have been thought about getting married with those guys.....

TheFifthKey · 25/10/2017 10:08

I met my exH when we were both 18. We went through uni together, set up home, started careers, had a family. We started out very much as equals and over time - through habit, after maternity leaves, DH being unhappy in his job and working long hours etc - I ended up doing most of the housework and childcare, carrying the mental load, resenting it. Which made me lose all attraction to him, which made us get further apart...I think this is a typical story. Could things have been changed at any point? Yes, absolutely, but really we got together too young, we didn’t establish good patterns of communication, we got ourselves trapped into roles and it’s hard to break out of them. He definitely had controlling tendancies right from the beginning but wasn’t an abusive monster, and if we’d been older and more mature I think we could have talked that out - however, being young I went along with stuff and thought this was the compromise and work people talk about when they talk about relationships. He’s not a terrible guy. We get along quite well now. We both have new partners and I’m quite sure we have better relationships with those new people because of the mistakes we made. We’re bit born knowing how to deal with long term relationships or how to choose wisely. We let quite young people make life long decisions - and sometimes those aren’t great decisions! But that’s life.

Original poster
Mishappening · 25/10/2017 10:26

OK - what is needed.......

  1. Education for all that is life-based and not test-based.
  2. Parenting classes as part of core curriculum for boys and girls to include discussions about domestic violence and sources of help, the role of fathers etc.
  3. Family centres to help people when things go wrong.

Are these things likely to happen or to be funded? - no.

Of course I understand that we make these life decisions very young sometimes and that life then throws shit at us. But it really does sound as though some of these blokes have not the faintest clue what parenting and loyalty is about - if they cannot get this from their parents, then they have to get it from the education system.

I would in no way describe my marriage as perfect - my OH's mental health problems did not surface till several years in; and now he has a neuro-degenerative disorder that is killing him. It has been tough going a lot of the time. So I do understand that hopes and dreams can go awry believe me.

But I worry about these men who seem to have no clue at all and no-one to help them to grow into adults able to take responsibility. And about our education system which is so alienating to many children that they just want out of it and launch themselves into adult situations that they do not have the equipment to deal with. Every time I read of these sort of men on here I just want to despair. I guess I sounded judgmental about the women involved, for which I apologise, but some of the questions on here beggar belief - my OH has raped me, should I leave him?.......what!?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 25/10/2017 10:35

I feel for these women struggling to make a decent life for their children whilst saddled with these adult babies.

Whilst simultaneously blaming them.

Ellisandra · 25/10/2017 10:46

Are you actually stupid OP, or just goady?

Go googling women minimising their own rape, as a coping mechanism.

But then consider this... what if you husband raped you, and you desperately wanted to leave, had the confidence and means to do so. But we're aware that your chance of a conviction was low, so by leaving you were going to be leaving your children alone EOW with a fucking rapist.

Yeah, it's so obvious just to leave, isn't it?

You haven't got a clue - grow up and wise up and stop blaming women for men's behaviour.

spiney · 25/10/2017 10:57

I suppose I SHOULD have been VERY VERy SENSIBLE when I was getting together with my partner. And should have thought about other stuff and not the sex and attraction and fun and the sparks etc etc
But life is not like that. It gets in the way. And it isn’t always lovely either. Get real OP.

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