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Original poster

Please help me rationalise this

52 replies

Bananahannahblah · 18/10/2017 19:29

Ok. We live in as very small house. Dh daughter came here 2 weeks ago as split up with bf. I'm fkin fuming. The house is so small I have no privacy. Dh can't see what the problem is. She is here every evening I just want to run away. I haven't been consulted but dh thinks there are no alternatives. Am I right to be pissed off??

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/10/2017 19:31

How long will she be there for and how old is she? It’s your husbands house too and I would expect him to be able to take his child in in when she has no place to go.

Do you have kids?

Original poster
Bananahannahblah · 18/10/2017 19:34

She is 23. Doesn't earn much.
I just feel like it should have been discussed with me. We have a 5 yr old too

OP posts:
Allabitmuchisntit · 18/10/2017 19:43

How long is she staying for?

Joysmum · 18/10/2017 19:51

Of course she should be able to turn to her father whilst she’s struggling. Why the hell should she not be able to. You’d soon kick up a stink if someone tried to get between you and your child.

Butterymuffin · 18/10/2017 19:52

I can see she would need somewhere to go quickly and you couldn't turn her away. Neither can you expect her to go out all the time - if she's staying with you she can expect to spend time there and treat it (respectfully) as her home for now. However you could broach with DH how long she's expecting to stay and what rent etc she should pay if that's longer than the short term.

Bananalanacake · 18/10/2017 19:57

Give her a deadline by when she has to move out. She should pay a little rent if she is earning.

Cricrichan · 18/10/2017 19:57

Yabu. It's his child and she needs him. I'd like to see you turn your child away!!

thatdearoctopus · 18/10/2017 19:58

How will you feel if one day your dd turns to you for help in a similar way? Boot her out?
My children are 19 and 21, so not dissimilar ages to your dsd. Our home is theirs for as long as they feel the need for it to be. Maybe your dh feels the same way, and if so, good on him.

YABU.

Lookingtothehighlands · 18/10/2017 20:02

YABVU
She's your dh's daughter. Presumably you would not expect him to turn away your 5 year old if they need support as an adult?

ShoesHaveSouls · 18/10/2017 20:04

When your DC is 23 and needs parental support for a while, presumably they'll get it?

ButIDontHaveTheRightShoes · 18/10/2017 20:07

There may well be no good alternatives in the first few days after splitting up. It is lovely that her father is there for her, so many men are not after a marriage ends.

I doubt that a previously independent 23 year old wants to live in a tiny house with her step mother.
You could support her to find her independence again.

Be nice. Help her look for a flat share, encourage her to be a bit fussy, don't try to shove her into the first hovel you see. Everyone wins in the end.

Chottie · 18/10/2017 20:09

Please show her some kindness and compassion.

Mooncuplanding · 18/10/2017 20:12

Where do you want her to go?

Would you be ok with being the reason for a father letting down his daughter?

chipscheesentomatosauce · 18/10/2017 20:14

I think it's actually one of the few things that doesn't need prior discussion. I'd say in most families, it's a given that if the DC need somewhere to go, then the first place they should be able to go is home to their parents.

AnyFucker · 18/10/2017 20:14

Wow

What a piece of work you sound

fantasmasgoria1 · 18/10/2017 22:11

If that was your child in the scenario would you be as pissed off? Bet you wouldn’t

hotbathsdontmeltfat · 18/10/2017 22:28

Hello? OP? Not the answers you were hoping for?
YABVU

missbattenburg · 18/10/2017 22:42

"Am I right to be pissed off??"

Nope.

In fact, if your DH was pissed off with you I would consider that much more understandable. She is his daughter and she should be able to turn to him for help and he should be free to give that help. Kicking up a storm is reminiscent of kind of 'step mom' fairy tales are made of and most children dread: the ones that expect their spouse to deprioritise any previous children. Just because he is no longer with her mum does not make her any less his child and does not mean you and your son automatically go to the top of the priority list. She is just as important.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 18/10/2017 22:45

Where do you expect her to go?

Is she ok?

Topseyt · 18/10/2017 22:52

If your child ends up without nowhere to go at 23 following a relationship breakdown then I take it you will see her out on the street!

That is what you are asking your DH to do to his DD.

Your living conditions are clearly less than ideal space wise, but surely you aren't expecting him to just boot her out with nothing?

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2017 23:01

You're being very heartless. I'm sure his DD is hurting and feeling rejected enough as it is, no matter who initiated the split. Give her a chance to recuperate and make her plans.

She should contribute something towards the household, even if it's £10 a month. She should keep her 'space' neat and tidy and help out with the housework.

When you say she's 'here every evening' and you 'have no privacy' does that mean that she doesn't have her own room?

thatdearoctopus · 18/10/2017 23:50

You need to understand that everything you feel for your own dc, your dh feels exactly that for his dd. You cannot airbrush that inconvenient fact out of your neat little family picture.

ConcreteUnderpants · 19/10/2017 00:06

YABU.
In fact you sound like a total bitch.

Pipsqueak11 · 19/10/2017 00:20

Ugh!!! Poor dd - you sound most unkind!

lollipop7 · 19/10/2017 00:29

You would hate me.
I'm 42 and I've had to move back to my mums house with two soon to be three kids. And a dog and cats.
She has opened her door and her home to us all without question. It is our home as long as we need it to be.

I'm quite surprised that as you are a mother yourself you are so loathe to reconcile the fact she is his daughter and needs some support and a place to live, for at least a while. If this was your child, in the years to come and he was behaving this way you'd be heartbroken and hugely disappointed I expect. And rightly so.

Please find a way of internalising your very first world emotional non problem and demonstrating some compassion. You are doing yourself a huge disservice in every way.