Please help me rationalise this

[Bananahannahblah]

Ok. We live in as very small house. Dh daughter came here 2 weeks ago as split up with bf. I'm fkin fuming. The house is so small I have no privacy. Dh can't see what the problem is. She is here every evening I just want to run away. I haven't been consulted but dh thinks there are no alternatives. Am I right to be pissed off??

Thanks for your replies.
It's about the way its been handled. There have been no discussions with me about anything eg board. That's the issue. Of course She Can stay here I would never and didn't say she couldn't . It's about the way its been dealt with and no acknowledgement about the diffrence its making to everyones lives.

She's here for many years i would think. I guess my feelings Are around dh making me feel like a lodger.

You sound awful.

Your dh is probably seeing you in a whole new light too.

A lodger that does the cooking, shopping washing etc. Just pigsick of being the servant.

So don't do it. Three adults in the house and one child, not the other way around.

Lollipop - your mum sounds fab, love how she welcomed the cat and dog too!!!

Well OP then to be frank your real issues are with her father and not her.
On that basis - and of course the fact that yes he should have at least discussed it (albeit as a formality that's she'd be there for at least a while) then you must broach your feelings with him.
Perhaps his daughter could become a friend, even an ally. You never know she might turn out to be an unexpected source of emotional and practical support. Most young women aren't especially keen on sexist, lazy ignorant blokes who treat a woman like she's their helpmeet so she may surprise you.

Don't let your resentment towards her father spoil you or give her an inaccurate image of you.

@userxx she is indeed a remarkable lady. I am very fortunate.

I have a great relationship with his daughter. We get on well. It just changes when we now call live in a tiny house. There's barely enough room for 2 adults and 1 child met alone another adult. Like i said before I never said and never would say she couldn't stay it's about the way its been handled and aknowleding the impact. We can barely talk about anything as everything can be overheard.

That's great you are close. I'm sorry for implying otherwise, that didn't seem clear to me so sorry.
Things like this will never be easy especially in a small space. Can you not ask her to look after your younger child one night and suggest you and your OH go out somewhere neautral and private to have a more detailed conversation as to what his entails, how long it is likely to be for etc. I imagine as a young woman she has friends and a social life etc so won't be in watching the soaps all night

Your OH needs to acknowledge and try to understand your perspective but as a parent he has done the right going at least for a while.

*thing not going 🙄

I haven't been consulted but dh thinks there are no alternatives

So what alternatives have you come up with as a solution and what was his reaction to them?

What would you have said have said if had been handled differently,no?

You can still talk to your husband about this and then hopefully move on.

I can understand where you are coming from, but perhaps see how hard this is for you DSD, too?

She is a young woman, do you think she wants to be back living with her Dad? I had to move back in with my mum when I was 26, she welcomed me back, my step dad was a little uncomfortable initially as he was used to his own space, but I found it so incredibly hard! I felt like a child all over again and hated it.

Maybe ask her to cook? You might be surprised - I jumped at the chance of being allowed to be an adult and not be the one being looked after.

She's probably upset, too, having lost a relationship.

Cut her some slack - and your DH, too - some dads, mine included, couldn't give two hoots, so he should be applauded. Yes it should have been talked about first, but perhaps he really thought you would be Ok with it/was unsure how long she would be staying?

I have managed to speak to dh and he has agreed we should have had a discussion about it. He is very laid back so this is where some of the issues have arisen. Rightly or wrongly I feel it's important to discuss things when something as significant as this happens. His daughter is a lovely girl but that doesn't mean it makes things difficult in our VERY small house and changes the dynamics. She has no real friends or hobbies so here every hour in the weekends/evenings. I know my friends who have their children staying from uni breaks find the readjustment hard so I don't think I'm being unfair by saying it's hard.

Of course it’s hard, but that’s what parents do. So what alternatives have you proposed?

The alternative to the way its been handled is to discuss things with me rather than just brushing it under the carpet. It's not much to ask and he accepts that.

You keep saying small house. Any way you can move to bigger? You said it was too small for 3 even before she moved in. What were your plans on that? Are you renting or home owners?

DianaT1969! Renting or homeowners how's that relevant??
Keyboard warriors have gone quiet!

So how do you get from "she's been here two weeks" to then assuming that she's now going to be with you "for many years, I would think"?if at that time nothing had even been discussed?

OP, you didn't come across well to start with. You came across worse as the thread went on and in your last post come out with something as stupid as "keyboard warriors have gone quiet". One could take this to mean you didn't like the fact that everyone felt you were unreasonable or it could have something to do with the fact that this is your first posting on here.

Either way, you're a peach

Yeah OP, get a bigger house, why didn't you think of that! Problem solved. Like those posters who blithely say get a cleaner/get driving lessons/go stay in a hotel that'll show him etc, who are these mumsnetters who have so much spare cash floating around? What world are they living in?

And breath. I note your thread title was 'Help me rationalise this' not 'How do I get this bitch to move out.' so you're being mistreated here I think. I know what you mean, I've had a stepson move in with a months notice and that was difficult enough and we have more space so rub along alright now. In fact we feel he actually gives us too much space and spends too long in his room but I assume she's staying in your living room which is a different kettle of fish completely.

On the plus side you have got a free babysitter there so can you get out somewhere together for an evening, (needn't cost a lot...unless you only go to the opera / drink champagne)

Banana I do agree he should have discussed it with you, but if the result would have been the same what's the point of being all butt-hurt about it now? Just be sure that he understands, in future, that neither of you will take such a major step without discussion first.

The relevancy to renting vs owning is that if you rent, it might be easier to move to a bigger house (depending on finances, of course). If you own/are buying then it's not so easy to just pick up sticks and move.

How's your DSD doing? Is she recuperating from this break up as she should be?

If she's there all the time make the most of you and DH going out, quiet pub where you chat etc.

I doubt she want to stay longer than she has to if she doesn't have her own room!

I was going to type what lollipop wrote.
Ask her to babysit one night a week and you and dh go out.
Your dsd might appreciate the space.
I do understand where you are coming from but think you'll have to maybe arrange more trips out, especially if she is unlikely to go out.

Sorry, been away from MN a day. Yes, the relevancy of asking about renting/buying is that if you're in this situation of being overcrowded for a couple of years but renting, then a bigger place in the same area might be viable - especially with her rent contribution. Whereas if you own your home it would be a lot more complicated to size up.
Hopefully you've found a solution by now that suits your family.