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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flag.. controlling behaviour? Would you end it?

78 replies

Lovebeingamummy77 · 06/10/2017 00:08

Ive been with my partner 6 months. Hes 39 im 35. He is ultra organised in every way... immaculate house, hot on saving money and not wasting money. Pumps money into savings n shates etc... I turned up at his one night with food i'd brought in a 5p supermarket bag which he commented "i hope you didnt just pay for this".. ie wasting 5 p .. hes handed me reusable charity bags. Hates any waste.. Hes admitted his hobby is saving money and says hes a "couponer". He earns 50k.. no kids..puts 800 pounds a month away in a pension so he can retire aged 50. Keeps his house pristine in case one say he sells it he knows its immaculate and gets top price.
I own my own place, good job and my owm income. I have equity in my house and im careful with money but not to his extent... i enjoy life, spend money and have a few hundred on a crefit card and it doesnt bother me as i know will clear it.

Last night he said if we were married would i consider having my salary going into his account and he pays a bills, puts money into savings abd gives me an allowance etc.. i said.. hell no.. how about you give me ur salary etc.. his reply was hes better at finances than me.. (im a professional petson and earn decent money..own my own home and no major debts, but yeh i have the odd bit on a credit card!) .. he said that me paying a fiver on an over draft interest isnt good and if marrried hed like to make our money go further etc...

OP posts:
cowbag1 · 06/10/2017 00:11

Hell yes would I end it. He sounds like a tight arse. And give you an allowance? Fuck that, you aren't his child!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 06/10/2017 00:11

God he sounds dull. He doesn't sound controlling he sounds anally retentive and annoying. Unless he's controlling about other aspects.

Howlongtilldinner · 06/10/2017 00:13

Bin..

Original poster
Lovebeingamummy77 · 06/10/2017 00:13

Thanks cowbag... yes he is a tight arse... he never treats me to things etc. Ssid if married we would need to review things like gym membershpips! Ive been a gym member 4 years. Im a single mum but doing ok. Really worried if i comit to him.. have his baby etc i will feel very trapped

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 06/10/2017 00:14

Yes, end it. If for some reason you aren't going to do that, do not move in with him, marry him, or get joint accounts / your money paid into his account.

pog100 · 06/10/2017 00:14

Yes, without question, you are incompatible regarding finances which is a very important part of a long term relationship. He will not change at his age, neither will you, it's doomed

Original poster
Lovebeingamummy77 · 06/10/2017 00:17

He is very pedantic.. i just dont know...

OP posts:
pog100 · 06/10/2017 00:18

Why don't you know? It's glaringly obvious from what you have said. It has disaster written all over it

Howlongtilldinner · 06/10/2017 00:30

If you are mad enough to move in with him, then you have to accept you will be living under a regime.

My late DSIS moved in with the meanest person I’ve ever met. She wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have the heating on, had to boil a kettle to strip wash, WiFi turned off after every use, only 2 types of vegetable ‘allowed’ at dinner, the list is endless. He made her so ill she had to move out. He controlled everything she did.

When someone is mean with money, they are mean with their time and emotions too. There is a difference between mean and thrifty, your bloke sounds bloody awful..jeez, just leave him to count his coupons..

Original poster
Lovebeingamummy77 · 06/10/2017 00:37

Urghhh!! Thanks everyone.. i guess the red flags were there.. after our first hol away together 6 months in we got back to my place... he had a pee...didnt flush and said did i want to use bathroom b4 he flushed... i thought how odd but ignored it...

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/10/2017 00:41

He is telling you who he is. He will comment on every cent you spend, always, and with contempt.

It may come to pass that he'll dump you at some point as a financial liability...if you don't pony up and be a financial advantage for him.

He is laser focused on money. You are not. This is a fundamental incompatibility. Call time and move on.

chipmonkey · 06/10/2017 00:58

The toilet thing would have had me out the door!
I would have been worried at him saying he's "better with money" than you so therefore should have more of a say. Being thrifty is not necessarily better; it's different. In my opinion, there is no point in having thousands in the bank but living a miserable life. I just couldn't live like that. It wouldn't be better for me!

chipmonkey · 06/10/2017 01:00

And I agree with Howlong . There is no way that he's that controlling with money and not controlling in other ways.

ijustwannadance · 06/10/2017 01:27

I can just imagine him rubbing his scroogy hands together with glee at the thought of getting hold of your salary. Bet you'd have no access to money or savings accounts.

It's ok to be good with money but not to the extent of sucking all the fun out of life.

Does he do birthdays/xmas?

innagazing · 06/10/2017 01:31

I think it would be the end of all joy if you were to marry him or move in with him.
Why would you?

justinhawkinsnavalfluff · 06/10/2017 02:11

Run for the hills as soon as possible!

sirbedevere · 06/10/2017 02:23

Never mind red flag - it's a red billboard! If you're worried about breaking up with him write a note on the back of a used envelope and slip in a £2 coin - it'll be the best breakup of his life!

beesandknees · 06/10/2017 02:33

Bin

A controlling joyless and judgemental tightarse... No thanks!

coconuttella · 06/10/2017 07:11

Why are you with this Scrooge? It must be utterly joyless.

TheNaze73 · 06/10/2017 07:26

Leave him immediately. Marriage talk, potential joint accounts & pension talk with someone after only 6 months is crackers.

AdalindSchade · 06/10/2017 07:28

Of course you shouldn’t get married and have a baby with this guy! He’d make your life fucking miserable.

GiveMeTheTeaAndNobodyGetsHurt · 06/10/2017 07:36

Yikes! I'm all for being frugal, but he seems to have missed the part where life is for living.
He is a judgemental, pedantic tightwad who will control your finances entirely if you let him. Given that the thing couples argue about the most is money and you already know you are financially incompatible, you will be setting yourself up for either a harder breakup down the line, or a joyless life. I'm sorry, but he sounds a total nightmare.

Howlongtilldinner · 06/10/2017 07:37

It’s unanimous OP..he’s gotta go.

I quite like the sound of the £2 in ‘used’ envelope..but I think £1 will be more than enoughGrin

PickAChew · 06/10/2017 07:37

Sounds just the sort of tedious, dictatorial tightarse that would be a joy to grow old with. I'd jump at the chance to give him all my money and stop doing the things I enjoy for such a catch.

In my nightmares.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/10/2017 07:45

And you are with him at all because....?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You're a single mother; please do not subject your child to this controlling i.e. abusive and miserable excuse for a potential stepfather as well. You certainly do not need such an abusive man in your life either.

It may also be an idea for you to enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.