Red flag.. controlling behaviour? Would you end it?

[Lovebeingamummy77]

Ive been with my partner 6 months. Hes 39 im 35. He is ultra organised in every way... immaculate house, hot on saving money and not wasting money. Pumps money into savings n shates etc... I turned up at his one night with food i'd brought in a 5p supermarket bag which he commented "i hope you didnt just pay for this".. ie wasting 5 p .. hes handed me reusable charity bags. Hates any waste.. Hes admitted his hobby is saving money and says hes a "couponer". He earns 50k.. no kids..puts 800 pounds a month away in a pension so he can retire aged 50. Keeps his house pristine in case one say he sells it he knows its immaculate and gets top price.
I own my own place, good job and my owm income. I have equity in my house and im careful with money but not to his extent... i enjoy life, spend money and have a few hundred on a crefit card and it doesnt bother me as i know will clear it.

Last night he said if we were married would i consider having my salary going into his account and he pays a bills, puts money into savings abd gives me an allowance etc.. i said.. hell no.. how about you give me ur salary etc.. his reply was hes better at finances than me.. (im a professional petson and earn decent money..own my own home and no major debts, but yeh i have the odd bit on a credit card!) .. he said that me paying a fiver on an over draft interest isnt good and if marrried hed like to make our money go further etc...

I think if someone's that obsessed with anything, then it's going to start to grate (unless you are similarly obsessed with the same thing).

Stuff you do is going to wind him up (paying for a sachet of ketchup at macdonalds, buying washing tablets rather than box of powder - all the little things that you'd spend a few pence on and he wouldn't basically), and stuff he does is going to wind you up - long term, I just can't see how it's going to work out.

You're both old enough that significant change of personality/interests is unlikely, so I think I'd move on if I were you.

Why are you even with him at all? If it's because you are desperate to have children before you run out of time I can tell you that he 90% won't agree to having children. If you do end up having children together it will be hellish for everyone.

Yeah you don't sound compatible and I couldn't live with someone like him either

Ltb

This isn't going to get better. LTB.

Think of your poor DC.

No toys out. Room has to be kept immaculate.

Slightest bit of mess/spilt drink/shoe left out of place.

No £2.50 comic/cake/toy because that is wasteful.

If you can see this for yourself. Please at least put them first.

Thanks for all your replies. Re. Why does he want to one day get married? Hes traditional and would like to get married and have kids BUT he said been burnt in past and he would like a pre nup! (He has a lot of equity which hes worked hard for etc). I straight away said how unromantic and id never marry someone who wanted a pre nup for various reasons!

Im still cringing that he said "i love vouchers, saving.. my HOBBY is couponing. Its an actual hobby" ... what young (ish) person admits to that!!! Lol

Yes magoria... comment at the mo... sort of jokingly when i buy MY son a magazine.."gosh how much was that?. You spoil the boy etc"

I couldn't marry a man that tight with money.

If you hand over control of your money, you'll never see it again.
Pennypinching AND joyless. What a catch.

That 'joking' comment is NOT a joke re: your son. If you move in with him he will make both your lives hell.

I really hope you don't tie yourself to someone so joyless and draining. Not just for your sake but for the sake of your son.

My dear friend married someone who used to crawl around in the dark on Halloween rather than participate in giving kids sweeties. He also used to collect scrap and old cans and filled their garden up so that he could collect £10 at Christmas from the scrap yard. He charged her 50p ever time she used the washing machine or dishwasher that she bought. Please don’t underestimate the lengths these people will go to to make sure you have a soulless existence. She did leave but she is now in dire straits and he is living in their property.

Oh, and have you ever talked about what he plans to do in his early retirement? Count coupons for 30 years?

I would be absolutely aghast if any man thought he was going to control my money and give me an allowance. You what? That's never going to happen. I will spend my money as I see fit and that includes enjoying myself, occasionally getting a taxi, buying clothes, spoiling myself and spoiling other people - with gifts and experiences. BECAUSE I EARNT IT AND THATS MY CHOICE. Control.

Pre-nup?! Nuff said. Control.

He really doesn't sound very interesting - do you actually enjoy time with him? Is he any fun at all? I went out with a guy like this once. He had plenty of money in the bank but spent hours trawling charity shops to buy really cheap and poorly made furniture and things for his kids (for his new sad Dad flat), who were urged to always get takeaway drinks, food and frappucinos etc, as they are cheaper. Cheap was always number one criterion for anything. I have no problem whatsoever with doing this if you are living on a very tight budget but he really had a very well paid job. Some of the things he bought for them were just plain nasty.

I would also question the intelligence of a man who wants to retire at 50. I know thats a rather hackneyed ambition but its not smart. He could live for another 40 years! Many men really struggle when they retire because they lack purpose or a role in life - they feel like they've disappeared. Maybe if they have a huge personal ambition like sailing round the world, or creating a charity, going to university it might make sense. But I'm not sure 'couponing' will fill the hours in a worthwhile and fulfilling way. So there's a depressed and tight fisted man with nothing to do, hanging around, complaining if you spend any money at all....

Would I end it?
Dead right I would.
I like to have a good cushion of money in the current account and savings and I'm happy with my pension pot at the moment. However life is to be enjoyed and if you want to buy the latest shade of lipstick, have an impulsive tea out , treat your kids to something daft then you should without having someone breathing over your shoulder.

Remember the saying! Shrouds have no pockets!

I wouldn't end it but you were right with tells by him 'hell no' you need to come to an agreement with him on this before getting married otherwise it will drive you both nuts

Have you stopped buying nice things you can afford for your DC because of how he might react?

Or have you found yourself hiding spending from him?

It's a slippery slope.

Imagine having a baby with him and living in his immaculate house - you'd be terrified every time the toddler flung food on the floor or got grubby marks on the pristine walls. You'd spend half your life cleaning and tidying out of fear of upsetting Mr Pedantic. No way! Get out now!

He's sounds unbearable.

What do you see as his good points? What do you to together for fun?

I'd be inclined to ask his advice on saving before I left - for my DC. I wonder if his proposed financial management of your money made appropriate provision for that?

I had a really tight friend, it was a real shame because she was a nice person in lots of other ways.

Then something wonderful happened, after countless failed relationships, she met a really sweet but terribly mean man. They are so happy together, she loves walking a mile to save the car park fee, I'd kill him.

Think on OP, this won't work.

Eeek, a tight, penny-pinching man would be my worst nightmare of fresh hell. Just got a terrifying vision of him rinsing out the condom to re-use….

Run run run.

He will make your live a misery watching every penny you spend and you can bet your life your 'allowance' won't stretch to the odd magazine for your child.

He is spelling out who he is. Believe him and tell him to do one.

My love, he is NOT your partner, he's a bloke you have been seeing for 6m. He is - at best - a boyfriend.

he does not get the right to comment on jack shit to do with your life, finances or how you spend money on your child.

This is not a viable relationship, he is a weirdo and will make your life a misery. You may in fact lose your son if you go down this path. I can't see any child looking back on time with him with anything less than anger and resentment at the parent that inflicted them on him.

He IS telling you who and what he is, loud and clear. You need to end it. TODAY!

Was your ex - your DC dad controlling and abusive too? have you done the freedom programme? This guy is King of the Castle at the very least.

Doesn't do humility, does he? Doesn't stop to worry about what you might want out of a marriage, or how he can be a good enough husband for you. All about how you can be good enough for him.