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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flag.. controlling behaviour? Would you end it?

78 replies

Lovebeingamummy77 · 06/10/2017 00:08

Ive been with my partner 6 months. Hes 39 im 35. He is ultra organised in every way... immaculate house, hot on saving money and not wasting money. Pumps money into savings n shates etc... I turned up at his one night with food i'd brought in a 5p supermarket bag which he commented "i hope you didnt just pay for this".. ie wasting 5 p .. hes handed me reusable charity bags. Hates any waste.. Hes admitted his hobby is saving money and says hes a "couponer". He earns 50k.. no kids..puts 800 pounds a month away in a pension so he can retire aged 50. Keeps his house pristine in case one say he sells it he knows its immaculate and gets top price.
I own my own place, good job and my owm income. I have equity in my house and im careful with money but not to his extent... i enjoy life, spend money and have a few hundred on a crefit card and it doesnt bother me as i know will clear it.

Last night he said if we were married would i consider having my salary going into his account and he pays a bills, puts money into savings abd gives me an allowance etc.. i said.. hell no.. how about you give me ur salary etc.. his reply was hes better at finances than me.. (im a professional petson and earn decent money..own my own home and no major debts, but yeh i have the odd bit on a credit card!) .. he said that me paying a fiver on an over draft interest isnt good and if marrried hed like to make our money go further etc...

OP posts:

Hunkle · 06/10/2017 07:51

Just wait until your DC isnt allowed dinner money, new shoes or favourite food.

All because your 'allowance' only stretches to value beans and bread.

Or dont wait, and run like fyck, for your DC sake.

A life of misery for my child, no thanks.

A life of happiness and buying what my DC & I want. Yes please.

Noodles4Me · 06/10/2017 07:55

You've asked this in your other threads OP. Clearly it's a red flag. What exactly do you want? Is it a rant? Then that's fine.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 06/10/2017 07:55

He would be such a miserable father. Why would you contemplate such a joyless future? This can only get worse. Can you imagine Christmas and birthdays with little ones? What's he going do at 50 when he retires but won't spend money? Leave him to spend his days alone counting his money. What howlong said.

When someone is mean with money, they are mean with their time and emotions too.

AnyFucker · 06/10/2017 07:57

You are not this desperate for a bloke

Are you ?

coconuttella · 06/10/2017 08:13

He is very pedantic.. i just dont know...

You do know..... it's clear you know you need to end it. You've sought validation for your feelings on here... you've got that validation, unanimously (which is rare!), so now go do it! He seems like the human equivalent of a dementor... sucking every ounce of joy from life.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/10/2017 08:20

My DH is 'better at finances' than me - he reads the financial bits in the newspaper, thinks about savings and pensions ... but ... we don't have any shared accounts, he will do the donkey work of researching ISA rates etc and gives me advice but always it is ultimately my decision what I do with my salary. We make rational decisions and so we have money to spend, now and in the future.

So, OP, this guy wants to control your money down to the last 5p so that he can retire at 50?what's he going to do with himself? If he hates his job so much he wants to quit it that early (by todays standards) maybe he should rethink his life, downshift if necessary and start enjoying life now. Do him a favour and put that in your leaving note.

Apileofballyhoo · 06/10/2017 08:27

Just curious as to what good points he has. Run a mile btw.

DownTownAbbey · 06/10/2017 08:32

Do you earn a good wage? I'm curious as to why someone with an eye to every penny now and in the future would risk marriage and therefore divorce. Maybe the glee at getting his hands on your wages mitigates the risk?

As pp have said you'd be subjecting your DC to his regime not just yourself.

Hermonie2016 · 06/10/2017 08:35

He is obsessed and if he's revealing this much early on it will get much worse.

Really valid point about your child, he will not be able to resist controlling your spending on her.
To assume he's better than you at managing is arrogant.Saving every penny isn't "good" it could be viewed as wasted energy.He would be best served spending not counting pennies but making connections with people.

Please don't let your desire for a family force you into continuing this relationship.Late 30s is often a time when you think maybe you have to settle, but this guy will bring you such unhappiness.You can still meet a decent guy so don't waste your time on him.

Creatureofthenight · 06/10/2017 08:41

As a PP said, he does sound rather joyless. And any bloke who suggested giving me an 'allowance ' would get an earful.

ptumbi · 06/10/2017 08:46

So he is suggesting that you give over your wages (say £2000pm) so he can pay bills, and then give you back your wages - couple hundred? - as an allowance?

Glad you saw though that OP. Financial abuse right there.

Why is he talking about marriage at only 6months in?

KinkyAfro · 06/10/2017 09:00

How long have you been with him, you said 6 months in your op then talked about a holiday you both went on 6 months in

Santawontbelong · 06/10/2017 09:03

Have a big splurge on some frivolous stuff and see his reaction!!
Let us know!!

corythatwas · 06/10/2017 09:04

It isn't really about his pedantic and saving attitude, though that in itself might well be enough to split up on grounds of incompatibility.

It is about the fact that he assumes as a matter of course that when you are married he gets to call the shots He does not respect you, it has never occurred to him that your views might be equally valid. Your opinions and your way of life don't matter. He gets to define what counts as "being good with money", and he gets to define what terms the household is run on.

No woman should ever marry a man like this. Ever.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 06/10/2017 09:09

He sounds like the Dad from the program “Everybody Hates Chris”

I really couldn’t be with someone like him.

StigmaStyle · 06/10/2017 09:15

OMG no - I'd end it but if you like him for some reason, don't live with him and definitely don't marry him. It sounds almost as if he sees a successful relationship as getting someone to marry him so he can have their salary paid into his account and control even more money. And "give you an allowance" - how bloody disrespectful to you as an adult who earns your own money.

I'd also feel compelled to fritter money on unnecessary things in front of him! Like turn up with a big fat expensive takeaway coffee with cream on top and then go "mmmmm mmmmm " in his face.

coconuttella · 06/10/2017 09:19

Why is he talking about marriage at only 6months in?

As an aside, i don't think it's unreasonable at all to talk about relationship/marriage expectations and hopes six months in.... I wouldn't want to waste my time on a relationship to find this out kind of shit out 2-3 years in!... Far better for the OP that they're talking about this at the six month stage when things transition from dating into something more stable.

purplecollar · 06/10/2017 09:33

It's an awful lot easier to live with someone who's laid back rather than uptight.

I don't think I would give up what you have for this man.

The comment about controlling your earnings is a massive red flag.

You could always give it more time. But that comment would put me right off myself.

Santawontbelong · 06/10/2017 09:35

If his attitude in bed is similar - controlling and stingy then ltb.

scootinFun · 06/10/2017 09:43

How does he treat your daughter? How is he on holiday?

stitchglitched · 06/10/2017 09:45

Please don't inflict this man on your child as a stepparent. Do you really want to have to plead your case or have an argumemt everytime you want to treat your child or they need new shoes? You are only 6 months in, no ties and you are well aware of all the red flags. If you continue with this you are being utterly foolish and very unfair to your child.

viques · 06/10/2017 09:55

Was the " darling, if we married we could put all your money into my account because I am better with money than you" the gist of the proposal? I think he doesn't love you, only the thought of your money in the account, halving the utility bills, and not having to pay a single supplement on holidays.

Move on , you know it makes sense. I bet even if you posted this as a query on moneysupermarket you would get the same responses !!!!

Frazzled2207 · 06/10/2017 09:55

Jeez run for the hills.

littlebird7 · 06/10/2017 09:58

He would be somebodies idea of heaven. Tidy, organised and together are good qualities to have, he just doesn't sound right for you.

guilty100 · 06/10/2017 10:01

I think you and he have different attitudes towards money. Neither of you is right or wrong, you are just different.

The problem is that he assumes he is right, that his ideas and way of life are superior to yours.

If he can't get over that assumption, and give a little in terms of his attitudes, I don't see this going forward happily. Being on the same page financially is pretty much a prerequisite for a close, happy marriage that is companionate in the most intimate way - sharing the same values and life goals.

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