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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married men

38 replies

Cherrycolafizz · 04/10/2017 14:32

So I'm aware I'm likely to be lynched on here but here goes.

I have become single this year and made some positive changes to my life, new job, lost weight and generally quite happy with my lot. Out the wood work have come a few men from my past, men that are now married and wanting to spend time with me all of a sudden. They tell me how they have no sex life with their wives but are happy in their relationships otherwise, and one in particular just seems to like the chat to me. I know I shouldn't be getting involved but if I'm honest the attention has given me a boast, and there's something comfortable about spending time with people who know you. Why do these men do this? And why do I accept it?

OP posts:
Ttbb · 04/10/2017 14:35

Because you have no self respect/very screed sense of morality? If I was receiving that kind of attention I'd be downright insulted.

Changedname3456 · 04/10/2017 14:37

They want sex and they think / hope you might be available. Don't take it as a compliment from them as it's really not (sorry). You're going to feel pretty shit as the OW / EA partner.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 04/10/2017 14:37

You accept it because you're flattered and enjoy the attention.

They do it because it's predatory behaviour that some men exhibit around newly single women. I don't know whether it's because you've found your confidence and sparkle and they see a new side to you or because they think there's an opportunity with someone lonely and gagging for it.

Either way what about your loyalty to your friends married to these toads?

Decemberqueen · 04/10/2017 14:39

Ask yourself this- Would you want to be married or in a relationship with a man who did this with other women? Put yourself in their wives' shoes. Try getting attention boosts from single men instead. Online dating perhaps? Please don't be that woman.

LesisMiserable · 04/10/2017 14:44

You both do it for escapism and attention. The difference is you're free to do it with free people, and you should (if youre ready)'maybe you're not and that's why taken men with no prospects feel safe ...

Maudlinmaud · 04/10/2017 14:44

I think it's good that you are questioning this, it might stop you falling into the trap.
These men do it because... well.. I don't know and I don't care. You are not going to do it because you are going to find your self worth and realise that if you do go ahead and act on these feelings it will lead to isolation and feeling used.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 04/10/2017 14:45

Don't believe the bullshit about them having no sex life. The majority have a good sex life. When they say this it usually means: "when I shag my wife it's not all exciting and tingly because we've been together for so long but you're fresh meat and I'll get that tingle again".

Don't go there. They're not saying this because you're so special - these are men who will be shagging around behind their wives' backs. They're using you and hope you'll go along with it and do nothing to rock the boat of their home lives.

RoryItsSnowing · 04/10/2017 14:55

They won't leave their wives for you. Someone calling you for sex isn't a compliment, if it was me I'd be insulted they thought it would be so easy to get me to sleep with them despite their situation.

LesisMiserable · 04/10/2017 14:59

Beenthere I think what you say is right and also true. I think some men do crave a change after a while, literally the feel of a different body, not better - just different - that's the unromantic truth. Most of those men (I hope) would leave it as a fantasy or just a thought in their head and put their energy into spicing up their sex lives with their wives but of course there are some who will just sniff out fresh meat as you said.

I think women are the same too.

Thinkingofausername1 · 04/10/2017 15:10

I think you should read some threads, on here of wives, who have been cheated on and then find single men to flirt with.

paap1975 · 04/10/2017 15:13

Ask yourself if you really want to be with a man who behaves like this. Probably not, hey? So I know it's flattering, but walk away from these (toxic) men and find yourself someone decent. You deserve it.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 04/10/2017 15:20

Do you want to get married some day?

Would you like children? A family?

Would you like your husband to trade you in for a younger model if you do?

That’s your answer.

PieOnEar · 04/10/2017 15:21

They can tell youre desperate.

Kingsclerelass · 04/10/2017 15:23

Just get that enormous boost to your ego by saying "No thanks, not in a month of Sundays" and walk away smiling.

It feels marvellous. Grin

NotTheFordType · 04/10/2017 15:58

Why do these men do this?
Because they want to shag you.
And why do I accept it?
Because you want an ego boost.

Are you looking for a LTR? If so, look elsewhere. If you just want a casual fuck without the possibility of it turning into more, then examine your moral compass and act as appropriate.

jeaux90 · 04/10/2017 16:41

What? Ford really so we are not allowed to have casual sex because its immoral?

Ridiculous

OP you are not responsible for these men's marriages. They took their barriers down and made themselves available. Equally, telling them to jog on is the best thing to do.

Have lots of casual sex if you want to, do it safe and with other single guys.

offside · 04/10/2017 16:45

Attention attention attention, that's why you do it. And the men do it because you're an easy target and think that being newly single you'll be up for a bit of fun on the side with no strings attached. Don't be flattered, it's an insult. They're not actually interested in you, they want a piece of you and that's all, it's a shame that you're flattered by being seen as a piece of meat.

NotTheFordType · 04/10/2017 16:48

@jeaux90 I told the OP to consult her own moral compass. Of course casual sex, with both single or partnered men isn't immoral in my eyes - I'm a sex worker Grin

littlebird7 · 04/10/2017 16:58

You need to start caring a little more about yourself, let's just suppose you take one of them up on their offer. How are you going to feel afterwards? Will it feel just as exciting then or grubby and horrible?
What you are doing will lead you to self hatred don't do it. A MN developed feelings for me and really I wanted so much to be with him, but in the end my sense of decency and knowing how hurt his children would be stopped me. I was only seventeen and now see him for the predator that he is. So glad I didn't get involved.
Hook up with someone that wants to be with you and enjoy something wholesome and rewarding rather than seedy and damaging

MaidenMotherCrone · 04/10/2017 17:07

They do it because you allow them to and you allow them to because it strokes your ego and you want to feel you are better than their wives.

You're not!

mumofthemonsters808 · 04/10/2017 17:11

Please don't get into this trap, my single friend also gets some sort of kick from chatting to married men online. In the name of banter she receives and encourages messages from loser married men, who are like vulchers just waiting for their opening. The messages usually start of as chit chat but quickly descend into cringeworthy, cheeky bastard comments. I would tell them to F Off but she rolls with it too.In answer to your question, why do men do this ?, because they can, there will always be someone willing to tolerate them and there is not a type, any man seems fair game for this type of behaviour, if he knows he can get away with it. Why do you accept it ?, because it's attention, it's providing you with some excitement, a feeling of being wanted, you need to find other ways to fill your time and work on setting boundaries and developing a strong sense of your worth and raising the bar.

I've had this conversation with my friend many times, she goes cold turkey for a while but can't seem to stop doing it.For her it's part of many interrelated problems, maybe this is the case for you.

RoseWhiteTips · 04/10/2017 17:13

It is not a compliment.Hmm

Original poster
Cherrycolafizz · 04/10/2017 17:22

Thanks everyone, some really good points. I think part of it is self esteem. I was in a very violent relationship and my confidence hit the floor for a long time as I was constantly told how disgusting and fat and ugly I was, aswell as stupid and all the rest. One of them I've been there plenty of times over the years and he always seems to be lurking in the back ground. Just nice to get some advise. And yes I do have single men I chat to aswell, but they just don't do it for me, but maybe that's because I'm scared to get hurt again.

OP posts:
HotNatured · 04/10/2017 18:03

OP, I think some posters have been harsh towards you, some just downright hostile Hmm . Whoever said "because you're desperate" well that's just fucking bitchy isn't it.

I get hit on by married guys a lot. I'm certainly not desperate, I just happen to be single and attractive, so they try their luck. They are pathetic in my eyes, bored at home and looking for something to boost their ego. Don't be their ego boost. Ultimately, it's you that will feel like shit; these men don't have any conscience and no moral compass. They are entitled as fuck!

Treat them like they deserve to be treated, with utter contempt Grin

AgSiopadoireachtAris · 04/10/2017 18:06

Value yourself more highly.

I've been single a decade and having left one arsehole I don't want somebody else's.

I'm not so black and white that I don't realise that marriages fail and people can become close to somebody but if they're going to leave their marriage that's a different thread. What you're saying is that they're prowling around you bringing up sex!?

I was once asked outright by a (married) man when the last time I had sex was. An unfathomably high level of cheek. Who'd ask that!

If you'r after sex there's no shortage of men on OLD who just want sex. It's finding one who wants more that's hard.