Married men

[Cherrycolafizz]

So I'm aware I'm likely to be lynched on here but here goes.

I have become single this year and made some positive changes to my life, new job, lost weight and generally quite happy with my lot. Out the wood work have come a few men from my past, men that are now married and wanting to spend time with me all of a sudden. They tell me how they have no sex life with their wives but are happy in their relationships otherwise, and one in particular just seems to like the chat to me. I know I shouldn't be getting involved but if I'm honest the attention has given me a boast, and there's something comfortable about spending time with people who know you. Why do these men do this? And why do I accept it?

[Arealhumanbeing]

OP. Please think carefully before you act, either way. You sound a little vulnerable following the end of your relationship and the way you were treated in it.

Some affairs are never discovered and go on for a life time. Others are discovered, or end and the fall out can be terrible.

I wouldn’t pay too much attention to any remarks which are basically meant as a slap round the face.

The idea that the the female affair partner is always used and then left alone is a bit of a stereotype. People still view most (hetero) sexual scenarios as the man ‘taking’ and the woman ‘giving’ something away or losing something. How you spend the time you’re not with him is entirely within your control. It’s not a given (or the law) that you WILL spend evenings and weekends alone.

[Chattymummyhere]

They do it because they can. It's not because they are nice men who care about how you feel it's about sex.

My friend tried starting something with a taken man it never quite got as far as sex (she says) because she declared she didn't just want to be the bit on the side. He dropped her and moved on to his next victim/s.

At the end of the day a taken person male/female will use someone for fun and then go back home and play happy family's leaving you to be alone all evening/weekend. It won't make you feel better in the long run you will just end up feeling used and cheated in life.

[Peanutbuttercheese]

I seperated from DH a few months ago, we are now back together. A married male friend of mine made a play for me, he isn't a friend any more. Men are often chancers and they have sniffed you out because they know your vulnerable. If you are having chats and have revealed any of your history in relationships it will bring out the massive turds of men that you know.

Work on yourself before dating anyone at all.

[MrsLilymunster]

Sorry but it didn't sound like these men respect you at all. .. I mean. .. it's like they automatically assume you have no moral compass /self worth even! Yeah yes flattering to get attention but not from married men who think you are only good for a affair xx

[sashimiyummies]

What would happen if the wives found out and came banging at your door. Surely you wouldn't want that kind of grief. I wouldn't. You're naive if you think it wouldn't happen.

[Arealhumanbeing]

Apart from this situation do you have a full life? Friends, family, interests?

If you go there and get hurt is there enough in your life in terms of support and distraction so that you’re not pulled under by pain and heartache if one of these men lets you down in some way.

[CakesRUs]

They are using you. Don't go there, find a single bloke.

[BriechonCheese]

OP I'm glad you're evaluating this situation because I think in the long run you'll feel very down about this situation.

Have you looked at therapy after your bad relationship?
You can get out of this but it is a cycle that is easy to fall into. My sister does this a lot and she pretends she is bright and breezy and happy go lucky but every few months it gets her down and leaves her feeling shit.

[HelenaDove]

Im fresh from the vanity sizing thread so the above post may have been influenced by that.

[HelenaDove]

Maybe women wouldnt go looking for validation in the wrong places if society wasnt so critical of the way they look.

[user1481055867]

Well done girl on positive changes.Gosh, dont these women giving you hard time sitting on their high moral ponies.Their husbands probably browsing tinder while they are giving you grief on mumsnet.Most feedback likely from wives whose husbands dont have sex with them, so understandably angry and bitter.
Compliment is a compliment you feel good about yourself enjoy those compliments no matter who they are from. People should stop blaming "the other woman".She didnt make a committment to the wife, he did, so why is it suddenly up to her to keep a moral watch over their unions?It really depends what you want at this stage.If you dont want to jump into next relationship having sex with a married guy gets you privacy and zero committment, he cant expect anything from you.Unfortinately if you are not good separating hormones and chemicals from feelings then can be tough.Dont you ever feel insulted or bad about yourself, let the wives who married to these duchebags feel insulted.You are hot, single, independent and men love that as that means they cant easily have all of you as they do their wives.Even if you have sex there is always be that element of unattainability just because you are single and they are not and that drives them mad, since they love controlling one way or another.I will be lynched together with you, but hey, i 've been on both sides so neither i am biased nor am i bitter, just being honest with you.Good luck!

[AgSiopadoireachtAris]

cherrycolafizz take some time off men and sex to think about what brings you joy. Sounds a cliche but it builds you up in to a more attractive person if you know what you enjoy doing and you do it and you have fun doing it. When you have a really strong sense of self you'll be a more attractive person to a higher calibre of man.

[AgSiopadoireachtAris]

ps, I agree that the ''because you're desperate'' type comments are unnecessarily harsh imo.

If we're going to call people desperate, what is NEVER ever acknowledged is that there is an element of desperation in married women staying with their husbands. And I'm not judging necessarily, I should have left sooner than I did. Desperation makes you stay.

[AgSiopadoireachtAris]

Value yourself more highly.

I've been single a decade and having left one arsehole I don't want somebody else's.

I'm not so black and white that I don't realise that marriages fail and people can become close to somebody but if they're going to leave their marriage that's a different thread. What you're saying is that they're prowling around you bringing up sex!?

I was once asked outright by a (married) man when the last time I had sex was. An unfathomably high level of cheek. Who'd ask that!

If you'r after sex there's no shortage of men on OLD who just want sex. It's finding one who wants more that's hard.

[HotNatured]

OP, I think some posters have been harsh towards you, some just downright hostile . Whoever said "because you're desperate" well that's just fucking bitchy isn't it.

I get hit on by married guys a lot. I'm certainly not desperate, I just happen to be single and attractive, so they try their luck. They are pathetic in my eyes, bored at home and looking for something to boost their ego. Don't be their ego boost. Ultimately, it's you that will feel like shit; these men don't have any conscience and no moral compass. They are entitled as fuck!

Treat them like they deserve to be treated, with utter contempt

[Cherrycolafizz]

Thanks everyone, some really good points. I think part of it is self esteem. I was in a very violent relationship and my confidence hit the floor for a long time as I was constantly told how disgusting and fat and ugly I was, aswell as stupid and all the rest. One of them I've been there plenty of times over the years and he always seems to be lurking in the back ground. Just nice to get some advise. And yes I do have single men I chat to aswell, but they just don't do it for me, but maybe that's because I'm scared to get hurt again.

[RoseWhiteTips]

It is not a compliment.

[mumofthemonsters808]

Please don't get into this trap, my single friend also gets some sort of kick from chatting to married men online. In the name of banter she receives and encourages messages from loser married men, who are like vulchers just waiting for their opening. The messages usually start of as chit chat but quickly descend into cringeworthy, cheeky bastard comments. I would tell them to F Off but she rolls with it too.In answer to your question, why do men do this ?, because they can, there will always be someone willing to tolerate them and there is not a type, any man seems fair game for this type of behaviour, if he knows he can get away with it. Why do you accept it ?, because it's attention, it's providing you with some excitement, a feeling of being wanted, you need to find other ways to fill your time and work on setting boundaries and developing a strong sense of your worth and raising the bar.

I've had this conversation with my friend many times, she goes cold turkey for a while but can't seem to stop doing it.For her it's part of many interrelated problems, maybe this is the case for you.

[MaidenMotherCrone]

They do it because you allow them to and you allow them to because it strokes your ego and you want to feel you are better than their wives.

You're not!

[littlebird7]

You need to start caring a little more about yourself, let's just suppose you take one of them up on their offer. How are you going to feel afterwards? Will it feel just as exciting then or grubby and horrible?
What you are doing will lead you to self hatred don't do it. A MN developed feelings for me and really I wanted so much to be with him, but in the end my sense of decency and knowing how hurt his children would be stopped me. I was only seventeen and now see him for the predator that he is. So glad I didn't get involved.
Hook up with someone that wants to be with you and enjoy something wholesome and rewarding rather than seedy and damaging

[NotTheFordType]

@jeaux90 I told the OP to consult her own moral compass. Of course casual sex, with both single or partnered men isn't immoral in my eyes - I'm a sex worker

[offside]

Attention attention attention, that's why you do it. And the men do it because you're an easy target and think that being newly single you'll be up for a bit of fun on the side with no strings attached. Don't be flattered, it's an insult. They're not actually interested in you, they want a piece of you and that's all, it's a shame that you're flattered by being seen as a piece of meat.

[jeaux90]

What? Ford really so we are not allowed to have casual sex because its immoral?

Ridiculous

OP you are not responsible for these men's marriages. They took their barriers down and made themselves available. Equally, telling them to jog on is the best thing to do.

Have lots of casual sex if you want to, do it safe and with other single guys.

[NotTheFordType]

Why do these men do this?
Because they want to shag you.
And why do I accept it?
Because you want an ego boost.

Are you looking for a LTR? If so, look elsewhere. If you just want a casual fuck without the possibility of it turning into more, then examine your moral compass and act as appropriate.

[Kingsclerelass]

Just get that enormous boost to your ego by saying "No thanks, not in a month of Sundays" and walk away smiling.

It feels marvellous.