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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband at cinema

62 replies

Louise1926 · 28/09/2017 09:38

Should I feel as upset that I do about my husband going to the cinema with a female colleague? He didn't tell me about it- I assumed that he'd been working late. I, only found out when I found the cinema tickets. I've been to the cinema twice with him. Once in 2000 and the second time after I found out. He's always impatient with me when we go out.
Also, am I being ungrateful? For our 20th wedding anniversary, I got flowers, chocs and bottle of champagne. For his work business partner!colleague's Birthday, he gave her a £500 sound system. Again, I only found this when I was tidying up!He's not a talkative person so doesn't answer my questions. I reckon I'll leave when the children go to university.

OP posts:
Bluerose27 · 28/09/2017 09:41

Why wait til then?

36plusandtrying · 28/09/2017 09:42

Doesn't look good OP, sending you a hug !

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 28/09/2017 09:42

Why wait?

Even if it's more innocent than it looks, that's still unacceptably disrespectful.

Brahms3rdracket · 28/09/2017 09:42

You should feel furious about him getting such a huge, expensive gift for her. What's his reasoning for that? I'd be jumping up and down at this situation tbh, very suspicious indeed.

Iamdobby63 · 28/09/2017 09:51

Please don't just accept this. How long away is uni? At the minimum I'm guessing a year.

Is your reason for waiting children and exams?

In answer to your question you have every right to be upset.

Is he not talkative or does he just not value you and your feelings?

Santawontbelong · 28/09/2017 09:54

Doesn't sound like you are very high on his list of priorities op.

HellonHeels · 28/09/2017 10:00

Oh dear! Don't wait until the children go to university. Do it now. Flowers

Wallywobbles · 28/09/2017 10:03

Wtf. That doesn't get to be "not discussed".

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2017 10:06

Do not wait until the children go to university, that's a mistake of huge proportions. Better to rip that plaster off now.

Your children likely know that things at home between you as their parents are not great and perhaps even wonder why you are still with their dad. And why are you still there?.

ravenmum · 28/09/2017 10:07

This is the same colleague, is it? Sounds like he is up to no good, frankly.

Original poster
Louise1926 · 28/09/2017 10:12

Everybody thinks he is wonderful and an angel. Even though he was mean to me, I felt like there must be something wrong with me and actually, j puf up with it because I thought that st least I could trust him. I've found out so much stuff and every time I think I can forget and move on, I remember the hurt and things that I had to put up with. I know he hasn't had a judicial relationship but I feel like he has had an emotional relationship with this person. I can't even compete with her. I resent him making me feel for the first time in my life like I wanted to be her. It was so obvious that he enjoyed her company. There were even times when he didn't talk to me for days on end. Whatever I did was wrong. We have been on five ffamily holidays ovef sixteen years - one kind distance one Disneyland Paris abc tge others were overnight stays. I just feel like I've missed out so much and put my life on hold.
This woman is his business partner and they do more together than we have ever done. He even used his credit card to buy clothing for her. Though. He said that she paid him back. I saw the receipt and it had her name, his surname on it- so the till petfon obviously thought that they were married.
For the last year, I've been going away on my own and with the children but I vowed Big to go anywhere with him again.
Hugs are like he's hugging a sister. I just can't wait to leave. Rgs kids haven't got a clue. When they grow up, I guess they will realise certain things.
Sorry this is a long response. There's so much more but I can't believe I'm in this situation and I was so trusting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise1926 · 28/09/2017 10:17

Thank you for your reply. There was s time, I found a message and I blew up and my son begged us not to divorce. He's currently having problems with weight and some school issues. Husband works v v v hard that is true and that's probably why I put up with s lot thinking that I was refusing his stress but I was working really hard as s teacher and doing all the hind things and running around. The time that he went to the cinema. I was visiting my sick dad. I thought that he had been working late. As I say. If he had told me that he was going to the cinema with his female business partner, I wouldn't have been upset, but he made it look like he had been working late and this put a question mark over all the other times that he said that he was working late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise1926 · 28/09/2017 10:18

Not valuing my feelings!! It took me a long time to realise. I thought that he was just too wrapped up in work but seeing the messages to his business partner, I was shocked that he could be that nice!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise1926 · 28/09/2017 10:20

To reduce disruption to their lives. It's just four years away. The children are v happy and this would burst their bubble. I know it will anyway, but they'll be older and away from it all once they leave for university.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 28/09/2017 10:26

You may be right about this just being an emotional relationship but it makes no odds really, it's not acceptable and is making you feel insignificant.

Please seek some legal advice, you may find a solicitor who will offer a free session, or CA if you couldn't pay. Be wise and get your ducks in a row. You don't know what your DH plans maybe when the children are older, he could have his own ideas that may leave you in the cold.

How old are the children? They may panic at the thought but generally they adjust quite well especially if their parents are happier as a result.

You are worth so much more than this and the longer you put up with it the more you will feel insignificant and worthless.

ravenmum · 28/09/2017 10:28

I didn't think my ex was having a sexual relationship, either, but of course he was, and had been shagging her for some time. This smells so fishy that it probably is a fish, sorry.

Your son doesn't want things to change because change is frightening. He's a child. Adults know that even frightening things can work out better for everyone.

We split up when the kids were 17 and 15. Not an ideal time, but it is never an ideal time. Since then, they have had almost 3 years of living in peaceful, warm surroundings with people who get on well together. My son was particularly stressed out three years ago. He's really blossomed since.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2017 10:35

Four years is a long time in such circumstances. It simply gives him more opportunity to rub his affair in your face because he knows you are weak and are not going to leave. He is having his cake and eating it with you and this other woman he buys clothes for!.

You may think your children are happy (they are not) but they can and do pick up on all the vibes; they know far more than you care to realise. They see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to each other and they are learning about relationships from the two of you.

Re your comment:-
"The children are v happy and this would burst their bubble. I know it will anyway, but they'll be older and away from it all once they leave for university".

I would think again particularly with regards to your second sentence here. Actually them being away at university could make a split a lot worse for then, they will certainly know then that your marriage was based on a lie and you simply stayed because of them. They are not going to say thanks mum to you for doing that to them. Children want and need stability and your son is unhappy for reasons that may be in some ways connected with life at home. Is he being bullied at school, if so what are school doing about it?. How are you helping your son?. Does he feel very responsible for you as his mum I wonder?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. What are they learning from the two of you here?.

PinkHeart5913 · 28/09/2017 10:35

My opinion is very much if you've nothing to hide you'd just say. So if him and this female colleague were just friends going to the cinema, why hide it? Why not just say tomorrow I'm going to see x film with x.

It's all well and good saying I'll leave when the dc go to university but why waste more of your life with him waiting for them to go to uni? Also dc aren't stupid they do notice in the end of Mum and dad aren't happy.

Your choice is to suck it up and allow him to have possibly an emotional/psychical affair? Or walk away and show your dc that you don't stay in a happy relationship?

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/09/2017 10:35

Louise there is never a good time to split, PPs are right. But maybe your son would deal better with his issues if he didn't also have to deal with a father who seems cold and uninvolved?

I'm not sure about giving children the power over your life to tell you not to divorce either. OK, it's hard on them but they have, as you said, no idea how you are having to live.

MargaretCavendish · 28/09/2017 10:38

I'm so sorry, OP. I can't pretend I know how you're feeling at the moment, but I would urge you to think carefully about 'waiting until they're at university'. A friend of mine's parents did this and it devastated her - she felt that it was so obvious that they'd done this for her sake that it made her feel incredibly guilty. Either they know something's up (which your son's intervention suggests), in which case the current situation isn't good for them either, or they don't, in which case they will feel lied to and like their world has been turned upside down at a really scary and formative time for them. Equally important, of course, is what's best for you, but I get the feeling you can't be persuaded on that, so do think about whether you staying in an unhappy marriage is really in their best interest.

TattyCat · 28/09/2017 10:43

Errr... the clothes receipt had her first name/his surname? Did I get that right? Why would a clothes receipt have any name on it, apart from the bank details (and even then, I'm not sure)?

Miserylovescompany2 · 28/09/2017 10:43

By the sound of things he's closed himself off emotionally to you - yet he's investing/time/money + emotions in his work colleague. He's crossed a line - maybe more than you realise? Buying her clothes, expensive gifts etc..sounds like she's the OW! Sorry Flowers

4 years more of the above? I couldn't do it - I be quietly getting my ducks in a row.

The DC will pick up on more than you think...

ravenmum · 28/09/2017 10:47

TattyCat I do wonder if that is perhaps actually her name ...

Original poster
Louise1926 · 28/09/2017 12:55

Thank you so much for your comments. You are quite right about not putting up with the situation because of the potential signals that it may send to children. No situation is black or white. The children have no clue, of that I am sure and if they did i find out at the present time, it would break them . On the other hand, you are right when we do split, especially my older child may feel that I stayed because of them but I will have to explain this. As for being weak, I have never being described in that way and I have never thought of myself as weak. As I said no situation is black or white. There have been a myriad of things that I've had to contend with that has made it the wrong time to leave. I suppose I just needed a listening ear because I really can't upset the children, now. They will cope better when they are older.
Thanks, again, for listening!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise1926 · 28/09/2017 12:57

No, this was a shop where they take your name, and email address. So, she gave the name or gave her first name and they took the surname from the card. Her surname is very different from husband's. I called them to ask about it.

OP posts:
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