Husband at cinema

[Louise1926]

Should I feel as upset that I do about my husband going to the cinema with a female colleague? He didn't tell me about it- I assumed that he'd been working late. I, only found out when I found the cinema tickets. I've been to the cinema twice with him. Once in 2000 and the second time after I found out. He's always impatient with me when we go out.
Also, am I being ungrateful? For our 20th wedding anniversary, I got flowers, chocs and bottle of champagne. For his work business partner!colleague's Birthday, he gave her a £500 sound system. Again, I only found this when I was tidying up!He's not a talkative person so doesn't answer my questions. I reckon I'll leave when the children go to university.

You may not want to answer this question but I was wondering why you think the children would be so broken should you separate, surely they don't see you being affectionate with each other or sharing holidays etc., or does he put on a front and is respectful to you in front of the children?

You might consider seeing a therapist for yourself with a view to helping your confidence, understanding your self worth and coping with the situation for the next 4 or so years.

Don't wait until the children leave home.

That is totally devastating, trust me.

You go to uni, expecting to be able to come home in the holidays to your family home and both parents and it's all gone and you feel like you don't have a secure base any more, just as you are finding your feet in the big wide world. It's very unsettling.

Plus they are establishing their own relationships based on what they have learnt and observed from your relationship with their dad. Staying in this environment reinforces all the tension and unhappiness in their subconsciousness, which takes years of unpicking. Again, trust me.

Rip the plaster off now and things will be settled when they go to uni and they will have had time to reflect on your marriage from a position of knowledge and power as they establish their own relationships.

It's always a shock when parents separate but it's much healthier to do it now

Louise

You really do not want to face this from your H so you bury your head in the sand. It will only cost you further in the long run.

re your comments in quote marks.

"As for being weak, I have never being described in that way and I have never thought of myself as weak".

HE thinks of you as being weak, he knows you are not going to leave because you will and already have put up with this from him. He is showing you no respect whatsoever and a respectful man anyway would respect the mother of his children. He cares not for them either

"As I said no situation is black or white".

How black and white is this already; I doubt very much if he would be this forgiving at all if he found you made such purchases for a male business partner. Are you really then going to stay with him for the next 4 years?. You have really hung yourself by your own petard if that is the case.

"There have been a myriad of things that I've had to contend with that has made it the wrong time to leave. I suppose I just needed a listening ear because I really can't upset the children, now. They will cope better when they are older".

There is never a good time to leave and your son has already begged you not to divorce dad. He certainly knows something is amiss here and he is but a child. He cannot and must not make the decisions in your relationship with your H here.

You would like to think so re them coping better when they are older but they won't. Pulling the rug out from underneath them when they are venturing out into uni and the wider world will further destabalise their world. Rip the plaster off now and expose him for whom he really is.

You've already found cinema tickets, clothing receipts and a purchase for a sound system for her. What else will you come across now?.

Do you ever have any contact with his work business partner?

Op. You don’t need to leave, and you don’t need to pretend you will in four years, or justify to mumsnet why you don’t wish to. We are just strangers on line.

Plenty of women sadly will stay and take it because they are scared of being on their own, or they don’t want to lose their lifestyle. He could just be friends and close to this woman, or it could be he is also waiting till the kids leave home.

You could try to see if you could improve the relationship if you really don’t wish to leave.

He's cheating on you. My H did the same. Took his coworker to the cinema. Didn't tell me. I found the tickets. He played it down. He'd already fucked her at that point. Did he come clean? Nope. Took another month before I actually caught them fucking. How you progress is up to you. But listen to your gut. Is always right.

You're going to wait 4 YEARS!! Omg that is soooo long to put up with this BS! You do realise he's 99% having an affair and how will you feel if he suddenly ups and leaves you say next week?! Your 4 Year plan will be down the drain and you'll feel terrible being dumped! Id start getting all my eggs in one basket if I were you. Get a hold of the finances, get info on his pensions, bank accounts etc. You need to be ahead of the game because that way, you won't be knocked sideways when the shit hits the fan.

Louise, please get this out in the open. I found stuff late last year from 12 years ago relating to an emotional affair with my DH and a youngish woman who worked for us. I brushed it totally under the carpet at the time 12 years ago when I had suspicions for reasons similar to you, but it all came back to bite last year when I found evidence of stuff and I erupted. It may just be your DH being 'dishonest' and lying by ommission because he likes the company and the buzz and nothing more-- in which case it needs nipping in the bud that its not acceptable at all, it may indeed be more and if so you really need to know this for your own sanity and decide what to do. Doing nothing will kill you inside and it does become obvious there is an issue.

Please take some legal advice, and gather the information you would need to make sure you get a decent financial settlement if he walks out. Bank statements, evidence of assets, income etc.
I think you may get a better financial settlement if you still have dependent children living at home than if they have left for university. He may be waiting until then

Oh dear

OP, let me tell you my story. My mum stayed with my dad only because of me and she told me as much. As a result I have witnessed physical and emotional violence in my home. Now I have to live knowing all of that was because of me. I am the reason my mum was unhappy for most of her life but it wasn't my choice. I never wanted this for my mum. Yes I would be distressed by their break up for a short time but in the long term it would have been the right thing to do for all of us.
Hope this gives you some food for thought.

and someone mentioned too about settlements. yep, its likley to be better if you have under 18's. Now it may not come to that, but you would be annoyed if it came out that he was staying in order to minimise that aspect OP. Thats why you need to know the score.' If ' there is crap going on, please dont let him outsmart you. Pull the big girl pants up now and look after yourself and your DC. Your DC may be upset if anything happens but they would be more upset as another lady said if you were shafted longterm 'because' of putting them firt.

Your children will cope. So will you.
But you will be a broken woman if you wait 4 years.
I divorced ex when dcs were doing gcses and a levels.

Only you know your children but I doubt very much that separating would "break" them. Children know very well when there is unhappiness between their parents. Also, although it may seem (and is) a huge event in your lives, your children will probably have friends whose parents have divorced. They might be more resilient than you give them credit for. They will want you to be happy. 4 years is too long to wait. Good luck.

For his work business partner!colleague's Birthday, he gave her a £500 sound system.

what????

I would advise you to leave now too. I stayed for my DDs but they both told me that they would have been much happier if I'd left years before I eventually did!

Surely you know deep down that he's banging her, and has been for years?

I think you will find it difficult to stand by snd watch while your husband dates another woman right under your nose

He must really despise you to do that

No anyfucker he does not despise his wife - deep down he will despise himself for some reason but he will not be able to admit this and so his wife is the "excuse" for all his unhappiness - no doubt when he is with his business partner he thinks he feels better about himself which further fuels the way he treats his wife and kids

Having said that you were right when you told me there was an OW in my case and I suspect there is more going on here Louise

Please do not wait for your kids to get to uni - I totally get how you want to protect them -but maybe as someone else said your sons weight maybe a result of him picking up tension - tension that you think is not there but will be - believe me. I've been where you are - thought I was part of a team - x has his own business and work was always first - I did everything else - twice I collected financial info which he knew and put it back - I didn't want to believe it either - x lied to his father too so we all thought it was a breakdown due to his mothers death/ overwork.

It gave him the advantage he got his ducks in a row alright - although I knew what he was capable of my solicitors didn't believe me and let me down - I'm still trying to pick up the pieces.

I won't lie its been hell - I realised my marriage was abusive - I expect you may find yours is too - your DH has no respect for you - you are taking care of the kids until they are old enough to look after themselves - it sounds as though he doesn't have much to do with them.

My kids have just turned 16 - the divorce has been going on all the time through their GCSEs - but they have done fantastically well - we are not out the woods yet but they are the reason I have fought their father all the way. He has manipulated all aspects of divorce. You are in a good position if you want to catch your DH off guard assuming he hasn't already made "plans"

It is scary but given the choice I would not have my old life back - my posts are on MN - I hope for your sake your DH will be reasonable but somehow I suspect he may not be. He doesn't talk to you because he doesn't want to - no other reason - huge hugs Op for whatever you decide to do - use the ladies on here - you will get mixed opinions as to what you should do but there is also a wealth of knowledge - only you can decide what feels right for you and you can only go at your pace xx

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I am getting legal advise. In terms of money, I don't want his money I can survive on money from my business. Imyes, it may be less than four years but that I leave is definite. I'm not someone who is afraid of being on my own and I don't want anything from him not his money or anything.
He had two sides, so children think that he's superman- I am the one who does the disciplining, so I've always felt like I'm a single mother anyway, that's why now that I'm armed and you have all made me see the situation that I'm in, it wouldn't be s leap for me to leave but I still need to consider the children. I know what people have said but I have to at least start preparing them, in terms of important conversations rather than it all being a 'bolt out the blue '.
Yes, I have met her once a long time ago at her grandson' christening but I didn't have the information then. We only said a few words to each other.
Thanks all- I realise how gullible I've been and I'm about to rectify it- I'll let you know if all the changes.

I realise how gullible I've been
I don't think gullible is the right word.
You've been trusting of your partner.
That just means you are a nice person.
I'm glad you are getting information together.
And although YOU don't want his money.
Please ensure you get what is due for your DC.

Sounds like a plan. Don't put yourself down, if anyone's on your side it should at least be you :)

And don't buy in to the misogynists' story that women who take the money they are legally entitled to, to make up for loss of earnings due to looking after kids, are money-grabbing. You don't have to prove you are not a money grabber by refusing your rights.

Massively inappropriate. Not the going to the cinema - the not telling you. And the birthday gift, ridiculous. There is more going on here.

LTB