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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you leave a relationship if you have dc and no support?

60 replies

Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 12:49

Met dp 18 years ago. Theres nothing good about the relationship. Got really awful earlier this year.

Bottom line is 2 of my dc are disabled. I have no money. No job. No family in this city. 1 friend who also has a disabled ds. Dp has no money on paper.

How do you finish a relationship where the other person has choice & control.

I've looked into benefits. Can't live on U.C. 4 dc in total. Youngest is 3. Ds 9 is in part time school. How do i work? No childcare for disabled dc.

How do i even just manage day to day?

Its unbearable...

OP posts:
saggymaggyx · 24/09/2017 13:06

Why can't you manage on benefits? Other people manage. X

danTDM · 24/09/2017 13:17

Bit of a naïve response there saggy

I don't know OP, it is nigh on impossible, hence I am still married, living abroad so no chance of job, support or friends, my H lives apart. I am RP. We won't get divorced but have no relationship to speak of.

I have basically given up on my happiness for my DD. There seems no way out as I can't leave the country with her as she was born here. Sad

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 24/09/2017 13:19

Could your do do the childcare while you work?

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:24

I would be left with about £150:a week to feed & cover all costs after the rent is paid.
I don't know how others manage to do that.

No dp won't /has never looked aftet dc so i could work. He will make my life a living hell so i will buckle & need him to help as I've no one else to help.

OP posts:
saggymaggyx · 24/09/2017 13:24

I know I never meant it like that.
When my dad left my mum managed fine with four kids on benefits until she could go to work.

We never missed out on anything either.
You would get child maintenance aswell
X

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:24

Do you livevon benefits saggy?

OP posts:
saggymaggyx · 24/09/2017 13:25

I did up until last month but I only have one ds so was manageable and his dad pays maintenance x

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:26

I am only entitled to benefits for 2 dc under the new benefit rules.

Dp on paper earns about £10k a year. He will make me beg for every pound (literally)

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:27

I wish to God I'd never had the dc. I'm totally trapped.

OP posts:
Cin3ma · 24/09/2017 13:29

Getting by on benefits is one thing, but people who don't have disabled children really cannot imagine how hard it is on the childcare front.

I have a child with SN and couldn't have worked without family support. I feel for you so much, OP Flowers.

Have you seen a solicitor? Or spoken to someone at CAB or similar? Do you get DLA?

RandomMess · 24/09/2017 13:30

Speak to Women's Aid they can probably offer you the most accurate advice and help. I thought the limit was based on when they were born not if they already had been?

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:34

Haven't seen a solicitor as we're not married. No property or money.

I went to an advisory service for families with SN as i thought i was doing the calculations wrong.

Yes the boys get DLA. They are in special schools. LRM & MRC such a massive help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:36

Its bacause my area is already on UC that i can only claim benefits for 2 dc.

Sorry i will have to go soon as he will be in from work soon.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 24/09/2017 13:37

Do you have family elsewhere in the country? Could you move closer to some support?

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:41

No. They wouldnt be able to help even if i was closer to them.
They are all over the S.E.

My boys could end up out of school again. So its easier to stay in this area & at least know they are in good schools. (Independent ASD Specialist schools)

OP posts:
opheliacat · 24/09/2017 13:42

I don't think the number of children you have will impact on current benefit rules. Only if born after April 2017.

There is emotional support that is needed as well, however. It isn't enough to say "oh well, I with one NT child managed on benefits so you can too."

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:46

Emotional support is a luxury i need practical & financial advice.

I think the benefit changes are really my biggest issue & hurdle as ultimately i need an income.

OP posts:
opheliacat · 24/09/2017 13:51

Yes, i realise that winnie, I was responding to saggy, with one NT child, maintenance, being critical of you.

CAB may be a good starting point.

Original poster
Winniethepooer · 24/09/2017 13:53

Thanks.
I have already visted a benefits advise service for families with SEND dc.

OP posts:
saggymaggyx · 24/09/2017 13:55

Wouldn't you get help with childcare for youngest dc if you went to work?

If it was me I think I would just take the risk!
If your that unhappy with him and really want out you could make it work.

If he's not helping you now will it really make a huge difference on your own.

X

imjessie · 24/09/2017 13:56

I think if you have disabled children you would be ' entitled ' to social housing and probably go to the top end of the list. With dla for 2 and caters allowance plus a load more benefits it is doable . You need to go and speak to the citizens advice . And yes I do have a disabled child although I'm not on benefits I know it's doable because I know loads of people with children with sn on them .

AFewThings · 24/09/2017 14:00

I don't really think saggy was being critical, she was just pointing out benefits can be a lifeline, and you can survive on them if need be. I do. I have. And lots of people have done it. OP's partner earns only £10K per annum I think she said so its not like she'll be leaving a comfortable lifestyle. As Cin3 says its more the disability aspect that is so hard to manage on one's own Flowers. But people have done this too. I don't think there is a magic solution OP, I wish there was Flowers. But bit-by-bit there are things that can change/make a difference ... you just have to keep pushing for ideas and possibilities which is what you're doing here. Even if its not easy and its really not.

Cin3ma · 24/09/2017 14:01

Its a rough climate out there re: benefits. Nobody can deny that.

I think Womens Aid is a good shout. Disabled children with EHCPs and in special schools locally + possible domestic abuse (?) + you should have a good case for priority for social housing.

Is it worth investigating whether you could get a higher rate of DLA?
I just say that because after years of being told by professionals that my DS wouldn't qualify at all, we ended up applying and getting LRM and HRC.

There is no denying you're in a tough bind. But its not impossible. You need rock solid advice and some support from the professionals, though. Do you have a social worker?

AFewThings · 24/09/2017 14:02

And I think even by the time people post on MN they have a few ideas richocheting in their heads but the emotional distress makes it hard to focus. Give yourself some time and (try try try to be) kind to yourself.

opheliacat · 24/09/2017 14:05

I think the problem is that while childcare is always expensive, for most of us there is an end point if you like. If your child(ren) are disabled then there is not.

Fwiw, my children are not disabled. A while ago I was offered a place in a refuge and I know the accepted narrative here is, leave, there will always be a better life - but for me it was not. I had no support and no way of paying to get any, no money and no way of earning any, and I just wasn't prepared to do it.

So that is not to tell you to stay, OP, or go for that matter. Just that things are not always clear-cut.