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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Too soon to ask questions? Internet dating

63 replies

toffeeapple123 · 23/09/2017 11:41

I'm 31 and a 30 year old guy has asked me out. He's younger than what I am looking for and he says 'let's see what happens' as what he's looking for on his profile. Mine says 'Long term relationship' or 'Marriage.'

Is it too soon to ask him what he means by 'let's see what happens'? I don't want to waste my time! Also, he says he's a student. Again, not sure that's what I am looking for, but he ticks many other boxes.
(Edited by MNHQ)

OP posts:

scoobydoo1971 · 23/09/2017 11:44

Never assume anything written on a profile is correct. You cannot meet men on the internet who you have't met in real life and make judgements about what the future might hold. The whole point of meeting in real life is to identify if there is any potential for a relationship. Many men are on the internet looking for casual sex relationships and 'lets see what happens' might indicate that, but it might not. Keep an open mind, meet him if you are willing to and assume nothing until you know him very well in real life.

Oysterbabe · 23/09/2017 11:48

Agree the best approach is to meet him for coffee. You may not fancy him then it doesn't matter what he's looking for.

user1493413286 · 23/09/2017 11:48

Have you met him yet? I’d wait a few dates in and then bring it up lightly.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2017 12:03

Just go on the date.

You're not wasting anything - its one night, one drink or meal.

First date of "so what do you mean by lets see what happens because I really want marriage" will likely scare him off but you should be able to read if he's just after sex.

Schmoopy · 23/09/2017 12:06

I would agree with meeting him and seeing him.

However, my ex husband had a brief stint of online dating. He said that a number of women who were looking for a long term relationship/marriage were so focused on that, that the man himself seemed irrelevant.

So you have been honest and said that you're looking for a LTR/marriage, he might well be hoping for the same thing, but not wanting to attract a woman who is talking about marriage and babies on the second date (which I know happens).

"Let's see what happens" could be a dismissive "No, no interest in a relationship, but if I say that, I'm not going to get sex either" or it could be "well, I'd like a relationship, but it has to be the right one. I'm not setting out with that as my goal no matter what".

HailLapin · 23/09/2017 12:07

You could just mention the mismatch on the "looking for" section on each of your profiles casually, say you don't want either of you to be disappointed. Then just see what he says.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 23/09/2017 12:33

Thanks very much all!

He's talking a bit, not a huge amount, seems more interested in meeting up. Got his number, but there's no FB profile associated with it (yes, I am stalking!), while he can easily look me up and all my profiles. I asked where he lives, he gave a rough area in London, while I gave him the specific town/area. He's not revealing much...and not grabbing my attention.

Maybe it's too early for internet dating (1 month post break up which was on the cards for a while), but I wanted to get out for dates at least.

OP posts:

PopeMortificado · 23/09/2017 13:12

Is it too soon to ask him what he means by 'let's see what happens'?

Yes.

You haven't even met him yet. Why would you quiz him about the possibility of HIM being open to a future with you? It looks over intense and super-insecure at this stage.

Dating is supposed to be a fun way of getting to know someone.

Most of those sites have an option that is directly "casual/hook up". He hasn't said that. He's saying "let's see what happens" - ie. he's open minded - but it's hardly a manifesto promise. He probably gave it a milisecond of thought as he set up his profile.

If you are this over analytical about a drop-down menu option (that does not say NO STRING ATTACHED SEX) I wonder whether you are read for OLD.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2017 13:22

Actually OP as you've never met I am with him on not giving out too much detail on where he lives. And some people have no FB just because they can't be bothered. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Go on the date. See it as drinks and dinner not a future husband x

Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 14:06

Why is he not the right age for you, when he's the same age as you?
I don't think you're in the right place to be dating yet if you put up barriers like that.

FWIW I put "let's see what happens" on my profile, although I was only interested in looking for a long term relationship. But I didn't want to sound like I was looking for a ring by the third date! And seeing what happens isn't incompatible with marriage. My fiancé and I dated and saw what happened.

Ellisandra · 23/09/2017 14:08

And you need to learn from him.
Keener to just meet than chat, vague details about location, making himself not searchable. He's the one getting it right, not you!
Why do you want total strangers being able to look you up on other social media?!

TheFifthKey · 23/09/2017 14:10

If you've only been split up for one month why on earth are you even worried about time wasting? Jumping straight into another long term relationship is a recipe for disaster. You're already overthinking and you haven't even met. You'll drive yourself mad.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 25/09/2017 21:35

So we're meeting up this week. He is engaging in some talk. Not much though. It all feels a bit weird. Really shouldn't be forcing myself like this but better than staying in and feeling sorry for myself?

He is good looking, well educated and sounds like he has a promising future. But he's still a student and sounds like a bit of a toff.

Will share an update if anyone wants to know the outcome

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Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 25/09/2017 21:36

Ellisandra I find 31 year old men too young emotionally/intellecutally. Not all but most.

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Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 25/09/2017 21:36

TheFifthKey Feels like longer a month. I checked out a while ago.

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Princesspinkgirl · 25/09/2017 22:26

Go on a date dont think to much into it you can't tell where its going on first date

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2017 22:46

Oooh yeah we want an update!!

Just try and have as few preconceptions as you can I.e. too immature, a toff. Its really hard to tell much over internet. I preferred guys who pushed for a meet up sooner than later

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/09/2017 22:53

So I went on the date earlier in the week. He was very dry - sounded exactly like he did in his profile and messages. Seemed much older than his years and it was very hard work talking to him, like getting blood out of a stone. I sensed he might have mental or emotional problems based on a few things he said. He is very well educated and had excellent manners, so those were good signs. He insisted on paying for everything, despite my attempts to pay half. It was difficult to determine if he was interested, though. He had a cold and was feeling (and looking) absolutely awful by the end of the evening. We shared a taxi home, dropped him off first, and he said he had a nice time and it was nice to meet me - which he emphasised. My gut is that he wasn't going to get in touch for a second date. The next day, despite my better judgement and years of experience, I messaged him first and we exchanged a few texts, but it was going nowhere and it was late, so I wished him a good night.

Why does it have to be so hard

OP posts:

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/09/2017 22:57

I feel so silly for messaging him. He was clearly not interested! I guess this is why I have been going for boring, dull men who don't excite me, as shown by my last several relationships. I don't like liking someone, you know the butterflies in tummy feeling, because they never like me back!

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userxx · 29/09/2017 23:22

You sensed that he had emotional or mental health problems, the conversation didn't flow yet you are upset that he isn't into you? Why!!! Sounds like a bullet dodged to me.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/09/2017 23:28

userxx I know! I don't know what's wrong with me! He was nice, though, very mature, very well educated and with impeccable manners - and a gentleman who insisted on paying. Guess he was more than half way there and given the dwindling pool, I guess I wanted to see him again, despite the conversation being awkward (I thought maybe it was him being unwell). And stupid me, I go and message him. Feel like an idiot.

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rockabillyruby82 · 29/09/2017 23:33

Did you fancy him? Was there any chemistry? Did conversation flow? Did time fly by? All or some of these are indications that it was a good date with possibility of a second. If not, forget it and move on.
OLD is tough! You have to have thick skin and be prepared for disappointment.
There's no hurry, take your time, chat to men (I like to video call before I agree on a date) and enjoy yourself!

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/09/2017 23:37

Thank you rockabillyruby82

I really, really fancied him, but the conversation was super difficult, I have to be honest - he was so dry and distant, I think he may be depressed actually, quite negative about certain things, but I thought maybe that was due to being poorly. But he was very mature, pleasant, good manners etc which I find are hard to come by.

My last date was a month ago and think I'll need some time to get over this one as well!

I am an attractive, young, independent women with lots going on and to offer in life - why is it soooooo hard to meet someone I like and who likes me back? And I'm not talking about these few dates, but years and years of unsuccessful relationships? Is it me?

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userxx · 29/09/2017 23:39

Don't feel like an idiot, it's not like you've bombarded him with 20 messages, you sent one text. There is absolutely no reason to feel bad. If you've got the gut feeling then go with it, don't text again and see if he gets in touch.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/09/2017 23:43

Thank you userxx I think I've had a tough week at work, I have my period, hormones all over the place etc. Otherwise, I'm not usually like this at all. Maybe I need to have an early night and wake up nice and fresh tomorrow morning!

We exchanged a few fun messages, but I closed it pretty quickly which I feel good about. I doubt he'll get in touch and to be honest, I would have some anxiety about meeting him again, if the conversation were to be as difficult as it was. It was like talking to a 90 year old man

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