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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Too soon to ask questions? Internet dating

63 replies

toffeeapple123 · 23/09/2017 11:41

I'm 31 and a 30 year old guy has asked me out. He's younger than what I am looking for and he says 'let's see what happens' as what he's looking for on his profile. Mine says 'Long term relationship' or 'Marriage.'

Is it too soon to ask him what he means by 'let's see what happens'? I don't want to waste my time! Also, he says he's a student. Again, not sure that's what I am looking for, but he ticks many other boxes.
(Edited by MNHQ)

OP posts:

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/09/2017 23:45

I just hate the thought of me messaging a guy who clearly isn't interested and probably squirms or rolls his eyes at my name appearing on his phone - 'oh, her'. But he was very nice, polite and fun in his replies and he could have just ignored me. Anyway, I've learnt a lesson which I've known my whole life - never message a man first!

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userxx · 29/09/2017 23:48

Sounds like you've made your mind up that he isn't for you. - that's good!! When you click with someone conversation should just flow, it shouldn't be hard work. You will probably feel better tomorrow after a nights sleep.

rockabillyruby82 · 29/09/2017 23:50

What userxx said, if he's into you, he'll reply. Maybe his first impression wasn't great because of nerves?
There's nothing wrong with you! It can take years and many mistakes to find someone. I've spent 17 years in relationships that ultimately weren't right, if I dwelt on the past I'd probably be a nun

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 29/09/2017 23:56

rockabillyruby82 He didn't message me within the first 24 hours of the date, so I took that as the sign, but still coudln't resist messaging him. How pathetic I don't recognise myself anymore Highly doubt he'll start another conversation, but oh well. Hopefully will forget all this very soon!

I've had unsuccessful relationships my entire life. Can't see it changing anytime soon Lol just feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight sorry for the negativity and thank you for all your positive messages

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rockabillyruby82 · 30/09/2017 00:02

We've all been there! I was infatuated with a guy 8 months ago, thought it was a great idea to add him on fb and send him a message As soon as I sent them I realised I was a plonker and he likely thought I was pathetic!
Keep chatting to people, don't be put off and just relax and have fun!

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 30/09/2017 00:06

Haha thanks for sharing that story

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SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2017 00:45

Oh Toffee we've all been there. And we all have just unsuccessful relationships until we find the right one.

There was a guy where I volunteered. Didn't see each other lots of were all spreadacross the country but over a good few years often enough to know him. Worked away a re times together, training courses and social . I thought there was chemistry. He's very flirtty. Few comments from others about how we were together. I really butterflies in tummy liked him.
Anyway drunk night out, all staying in a youth hostel. I asked what he'd say of i told him I really liked him. He literally was rabbit in the headlights, no, just don't see you like that.
Felt like a total idiot.

Anyway I'd been vaguely chatting to a guy online, putting off meeting because of this guy I liked. Got home after the night out and messaged him suggesting coffee.
Didn't look like his profile picture. First hair of date was bloody hard work.
Then he suggested the pub and the alcohol helped!!

We moved in at 4 months, engaged at 6, married at 18, baby at 3 1/2 years.

Sometimes it just hapen when you least expect it

Shayelle · 30/09/2017 06:37

Dont kick yourself youve done nothing wrong!

Ellisandra · 30/09/2017 07:24

I think it's a bit sad that what you're taking from this is "never text a man first".

What a load of bollocks.

If there is a lesson to be learned, it is don't text a man if you haven't enjoyed the date.

If you have - text away.

Interesting that his insistence on paying despite you wanting to go halves is being seen by you as him being a "gentleman" and "good manners". When that happened to me, I saw it as "disrespectful man not listening to what I want and not have good enough manners to want me to feel comfortable".

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 30/09/2017 09:40

Thank you everyone I have woken up feeling really sad and bummed about this man. I have no idea why! I am actually hurting, more so than I did at my recent break up and it feels absurd. I'm no psychologist but maybe I am having a bad week in general and letting all my negative energy out this way?

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Ellisandra · 30/09/2017 10:28

The worst I've ever felt after a dumping was by a man I didn't like that much (met him at a party, checking him out and found him wanting, forgot about him until my friend said he'd asked for my number) who I'd only seen about 5x.

He was the first fling after my divorce, and I think my upset was driven by a load of "oh bloody hell, dating an be shit and now I'm divorced I'm stuck with it again". It was never about that individual man, despite feeling like it at the time!

userxx · 30/09/2017 10:30

C'mon toffee, shake yourself girl!!!!! How can you be so sad about someone after one awkward date!!! I think this is more to do with other things going on at the moment, you are putting all the negativity onto him.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 30/09/2017 11:11

I know, tell me about it right. Maybe I just need to feel sad and eat lots of ice cream - lol one of those days!

My girlfriends in real life keep saying he might ask me out still, but I really think it's beyond that now. Guess they are trying to make me feel better

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user1490465531 · 30/09/2017 11:28

Sorry but I actually agree withat menot texting first.
In my experience if a man likes you he will text straight after the first date.
All the men I've had to text first have never really been into me in the first place.

user1490465531 · 30/09/2017 11:29

meant men texting first.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 30/09/2017 11:52

user149046553 I totally agree and have stuck to this approach my whole life until now

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SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2017 12:41

Sounds like you arebt over the last guy and this new "rejection" has fiat injected fresh blood into an old wound.

Its ok to take time to heal whilst eating a ton of ice cream, vodka, and watching sad movies x

WheresMyTaco · 30/09/2017 12:55

Sorry but I actually agree withat menot texting first.
In my experience if a man likes you he will text straight after the first date

God, I hope men don't think that too or everyone's fucked eh.

TheFifthKey · 30/09/2017 13:57

Why, Where's? It's been my experience too. You never have to chase an interested man!

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 30/09/2017 14:05

Nah men always chase, it's their thing. Weird I know but true! WheresMyTaco

TheFifthKey Exactly. Not sure why I couldn't get the hint this time

SleepingStandingUp Oh I am over him but maybe it is the third date and third guy who is not interested me. These are guys I would not even consider normally.

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TangledSlinky · 30/09/2017 19:21

In honesty OP it really doesn't sound like you're in the right headspace to date right now.

You weren't fussed about this guy before you met, had a mediocre date where not only does he sound as dull as dishwater but you also questioned his mental/emotional stability. In fact the only positives seem to be that he had good manners, was well educated and paid for everything You don't sound that into him, yet you're now upset because it seems the feeling is mutual. You need to stop setting the bar so low! Good manners and intellect should be par for the course, not the pinnacle.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 30/09/2017 20:15

TangledSlinky I thought I was but maybe not! It's so hard to come by even half decent men...

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Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 30/09/2017 20:18

TangledSlinky And even the half decent ones aren't interested...

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Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 02/10/2017 16:09

I ended up asking him out. He said yes. I told him he was interesting, and he replied he thought I was too, and asked for more details. I gave him a couple of compliments, but he didn't send anything back. He hardly makes any effort with messaging, he didn't before our first date either. He is very pleasant when we do exchange messages, but seems very withdrawn and now I am not keen on meeting him. I doubt he would have asked me out, I asked him 3 days after our date.

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TangledSlinky · 02/10/2017 19:04

Oh toffee why are you putting yourself through all this for a guy you don't sound too keen on? It's honestly not meant to be this hard.

You've only been single a month, why are you in such a rush? It was the best part of a year after my last relationship ended (one I ended after several years) before I even began dating, and even then I was rather half-hearted about it as after so long with the ex I wanted to spend some time on my own working out what I wanted from life and a relationship.

Just relax, I promise the right guy for you is out there somewhere.

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