Fucking 'd'h

[Selfsestructactive]

Just a rant really, I wish I hadn't married him and now I feel stuck.
My other posts/threads go into more detail but right now I just feel RAGE and needed to vent a little

I feel stuck
He keeps using the kids... Telling them I don't want him there any time I ask him to leave for a few days... Telling me il have To get someone to pick up ds (not his) anytime we argue
Threatening to tell his parents about me cheating on him once a couple of years ago (posted about a lot of this before) anytime I say to stay at his parents a few days
His mother enables his dad drinking and doesn't see what a problem dh has... Getting v angry about that lately as she is so nice but for fucks sake ITS NOT OK how he drinks, it's not acceptable and she thinks cheating is the lowest of the low.... Honestly I think it would be easier than living with a barely functioning alcoholic who just loooves to be passive aggressive

I just need to vent and rant, I'm so sick of all this

Has he only been like this this or did this behaviour start after your infidelity?

fuck him off

Have you been in touch with AlAnon, who help families of alcoholics? They can give you advice and support locally, and will know how to help your children.

He was always a drinker... I had doubts coming closer to the marriage as I know his first love is drink... At the time I cheated I was in a bad place, newly married feeling like he didn't love me and I got hooked on codeine and the night it happened I was on that and a mix of strong alcohol. I regret it but he won't let us even try to recover... Yet won't even admit we aren't happy and are going around in circles

So why stay?

You have to disengage. It doesn't matter that "he won't even admit we're not happy". YOU are not happy and only you can do something about it. As you can reason with him, stop trying,you will only get frustrated. Take him out of the equation and focus on what's best for the children. Which includes breaking the cycle of addiction and that will almost certainly be handed to your children if this situation is not addressed (bitter experience).

I have stayed for a few reasons...
He works shorter hours so has the kids after school, childcare would be expensive and hard to fit around my work hours...
The kids love him...
When I ask him to leave even for a few days he threatens to tell his mother etc about what I did. They would hate me, though I've told him to go ahead and tell Whoever he wants, that I don't care anymore

He also refuses to leave ultimately. House is privately rented in both names.

I have literally no one else, he helps with the kids

Let him to your Inlaws. Everyone makes mistakes in life. It doesn't mean the mistake meant nothing, but he blackmailing you.

Like with all single parents, you will work out a way to deal with childcare one way or another.

I'd be leaving him on the comment about your son not being his, so he's not responsible for him if you split up. What a jerk.

Just leave him. Life is too short.

Let him tell your In-laws, I mean.

Hard I know but you need to separate the issues and deal with them one by one. It sounds like a car crash. Good luck.

I don't think he sounds like the only one that's the problem in the relationship to be fair. You also had an addiction and you cheated and I don't think throwing someone out regularly for a few days is good for the kids either.

They need stability. Just because you aren't together it doesn't mean you can't continue to co parent and him get the kids after work till you get home. That's something you'd need to work out. It's certainly not fair on anyone to stay together for that reason alone when you are unhappy and in a bad relationship that the kids will be picking up on. You'd be better and happier apart.

If your H is alcoholic, is it safe for him to be picking up the DCs and looking after them alone anyway? Or does he manage not to drink until later in the day?

It sounds as though the things that led you to cheat are still present, so how is this a happy life for either of you? Would be happy for your DCs to settle for something like this?

Also, your ILs are largely irrelevant in your life. If they hate you, so be it.

Would either of you be happy....... not would be.

He won't tell them, it's just a threat and I know he won't
I've said im going to do it before and he insists I don't 🙄 So it's leverage... He denies it's blackmail, imo there's no denying it

Gottoget he won't pick up my ds if we separate

I don't think im strong enough to hear all this... I need to grow a spine and do what i know needs to happen

Why should he pick up your DS if your separate?
You need to organise an alternative

Then you tell his mother. Take his ammunition away from him.

Why should he pick up your DS if your separate?

Because he's been living with him, bringing him up & it's just nasty to pick up your biological child after school & not the other child.

self. It's hard to get strong enough to just leave, but when you do you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. The finances will work out. 🌷

Headof because he's been with us since ds was 1 and he lives dh

He keeps asking me will he pick ds up, making the point that I need him to 😕😕 he knows I have no one else... I'm looking into that though

You are allowing all of your children to be taught that the state of your lives is normal and they will grow up to repeat the pattern.

Do you want your son to model himself on this man and treat his family like this? Please get in touch with some support,there is a lot of help available. It's hard to make the first phone call but that really is the hardest bit- admitting you need help for you and your children.

You say his mother enables his father drinking, can you see that you are now in that role in your family? That he has recreated his parents relationship.

Yes I am seeing that. And he thinks that threatening to tell my dirty secret gives him the right to do what he wants... I'm so worn down and depressed by it all. My kids deserve more

You deserve more too, and you have the ability to forge a better life for yourself. If you're single and working you can claim child and working tax credit, housing and council tax benefit. I know nothing about the childcare part of WTC but I am aware that help is available for that.

Also as long as you stay with him he is unlikely to sort himself out. If he has to go to court for access he might get the shove he needs to clean up and stop drinking. Or he might not. But you won't have that burden to carry around with you. Imagine how much more strength you will have for you and your children if you're not constantly having to prop him up.
I agree with other posters. Tell his mother yourself.