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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Fucking 'd'h

40 replies

Selfsestructactive · 19/09/2017 16:00

Just a rant really, I wish I hadn't married him and now I feel stuck.
My other posts/threads go into more detail but right now I just feel RAGE and needed to vent a little

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Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2017 21:43

Either you find alternative childcare or you accept the situation.

He has no obligation to pick up your son if you split, he won't be his child, nor will he be living with his mother. So no relation. People don't have to be nice!

If he did I think you would just be using him as its convienient.

SandyY2K · 20/09/2017 18:31

He needs to stop saying that he'll stop picking DS up when you have a row. I meant you couldn't expect his assistance if you spilt up permanently.

Does your DS call him dad? Does he know he's not his dad?

Because I'd be telling your DH that you'll be gently getting DS know in the event of a split, that he may no longer be in his life.

His response will be telling.

Selfsestructactive · 20/09/2017 17:58

Sandy I don't think so either but it was his idea to do it from the start, and I think it's out of order to say he won't do it every time we have a row, so how am I meant to navigate that, have emergency childcare on reserve all the time?

I've been sorting out childcare for him today, I just think it's so laughable... When I tell h I have it sorted his tune will change to "I wasn't serious" and I'm overreacting

Ds will be upset too

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SandyY2K · 20/09/2017 17:17

I don't agree that he has an obligation to look after your son if you split up. You need to sort it out.

I also don't think you're blameless either in all this...however I would tell him that if he threatens to tell his mum you cheated once more...that you'll tell her yourself...and Make sure you follow through.

Then the blackmail is over.

steppemum · 20/09/2017 16:39

you need to work on the things which are keeping you trapped.

childcare. Think carefully, what time do you need childcare until? Is there an afterschool club, is there a childminder who does after school pick up. Can you change working hours so you do one longer day and home one day etc etc. Imagine that you need this from, say, 1st October, get in gear and get it into place.

The house is in both names. Be practical, can you afford it alone? No? What can you afford, where could you live.

When you have your ducks in line, present him with fait accompli, he then has no power, you have sorted all the options.

The biggest issue I think you are going to face is that your ds is going to lose his dad. You need to face up to this, it is going to happen, the likelihood of him keeping up with ds sounds small, and he is going to continue to hold this over you. You need to prepare ds for this

.

Jux · 20/09/2017 16:34

He's a weight pressing down on you, sapping your energy and zst for life, sucking the joy out. He's doing that to you and he's doing it to the chldren. You all deserve better.

One big heave. You can do it.

mummmy2017 · 20/09/2017 14:27

Then you have nothing to lose, you won't be paying for him to eat , live in the house, or his drinking, so tell her, and let the dice fall as they may.

Also it will show him he has no hold over you.

Sometimes the worse, is not as bad as what you have now, maybe you can ask one of your childs friends mums if they would like to have him over to play till you finish work and pay her for her time.

SensitiveOldAgeGuy · 20/09/2017 14:23

"Telling them I don't want him there any time I ask him to leave for a few days..."

ummm . . . . . Isn't that the truth?

Selfsestructactive · 20/09/2017 14:22

7 and 3... No I dont need her... I'm feeling so overwhelmed and downtrodden

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AdoraBell · 20/09/2017 14:21

Are you earning, could you afford either the current rent or to rent on your own?

Think of it logically. Yes, it is hard raising children as a lobe parent, but I don't think staying with an emotionally abusive alcoholic would make it any easier.

So, do you have a support network? Family or friends who might help with childcare while you work?

mummmy2017 · 20/09/2017 14:13

How old are your children.
Also I would get so feed up of his threats I would tell the MIL it was a mistake and your upset it happened, so what if she hates you, seems like you don't need her to help you so no loss.

Selfsestructactive · 20/09/2017 14:08

Thank you. I know myself and the kids would be happier and I know I can do it. It's just bloody hard and feels like such a weight on me.
As it is I've tried, I really have but he's just so passive aggressive and refuses to acknowledge the problems or work on them, counselling got a big no from him

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/09/2017 14:02

Find a childminder that does afterschool pick ups from your DS's school? If you had a solution for picking up your DS would you stay?

If the answer is no, then start investigating options.

Jux · 20/09/2017 14:00

You tell him to leave for a few days.
He threatens to tell his mum about your cheating.
You retreat.

And yet, you know he won't tell.

He says he won't pick up ds1.

That's the clincher. You don't care about any tales he may tell. So, you need to prioritise your ds1's after-school care. You are making moves in that direction already - well done! Keep moving in that direction.

Meanwhile, take copies of all financial documents, certificates and passports (esp ds2). Contact CAB and find out what you might be able to get financially if he were to leave. Secure your own position. Perhaps even see a solicitor for advice on legal means of removing him, and barring him, from the house.

caringdenise009 · 20/09/2017 13:57

Even though I myself believe in " never apologize,never explain" and if she ever brought it up to me I'd say Yeah,what's it to you. And refuse to discuss it further because it's none of her business.

caringdenise009 · 20/09/2017 13:50

You deserve more too, and you have the ability to forge a better life for yourself. If you're single and working you can claim child and working tax credit, housing and council tax benefit. I know nothing about the childcare part of WTC but I am aware that help is available for that.

Also as long as you stay with him he is unlikely to sort himself out. If he has to go to court for access he might get the shove he needs to clean up and stop drinking. Or he might not. But you won't have that burden to carry around with you. Imagine how much more strength you will have for you and your children if you're not constantly having to prop him up.
I agree with other posters. Tell his mother yourself.

Selfsestructactive · 20/09/2017 13:44

Yes I am seeing that. And he thinks that threatening to tell my dirty secret gives him the right to do what he wants... I'm so worn down and depressed by it all. My kids deserve more

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caringdenise009 · 20/09/2017 13:42

You are allowing all of your children to be taught that the state of your lives is normal and they will grow up to repeat the pattern.

Do you want your son to model himself on this man and treat his family like this? Please get in touch with some support,there is a lot of help available. It's hard to make the first phone call but that really is the hardest bit- admitting you need help for you and your children.

You say his mother enables his father drinking, can you see that you are now in that role in your family? That he has recreated his parents relationship.

Selfsestructactive · 20/09/2017 13:37

He keeps asking me will he pick ds up, making the point that I need him to 😕😕 he knows I have no one else... I'm looking into that though

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Selfsestructactive · 20/09/2017 13:34

Headof because he's been with us since ds was 1 and he lives dh

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/09/2017 13:26

Why should he pick up your DS if your separate?

Because he's been living with him, bringing him up & it's just nasty to pick up your biological child after school & not the other child.

self. It's hard to get strong enough to just leave, but when you do you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. The finances will work out. 🌷

TalkinBoutNuthin · 20/09/2017 13:25

Then you tell his mother. Take his ammunition away from him.

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Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2017 13:19

Why should he pick up your DS if your separate?
You need to organise an alternative

Selfsestructactive · 20/09/2017 13:14

I don't think im strong enough to hear all this... I need to grow a spine and do what i know needs to happen

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Selfsestructactive · 20/09/2017 13:12

Gottoget he won't pick up my ds if we separate

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