Fucking 'd'h

[Selfsestructactive]

Just a rant really, I wish I hadn't married him and now I feel stuck.
My other posts/threads go into more detail but right now I just feel RAGE and needed to vent a little

Even though I myself believe in " never apologize,never explain" and if she ever brought it up to me I'd say Yeah,what's it to you. And refuse to discuss it further because it's none of her business.

You tell him to leave for a few days.
He threatens to tell his mum about your cheating.
You retreat.

And yet, you know he won't tell.

He says he won't pick up ds1.

That's the clincher. You don't care about any tales he may tell. So, you need to prioritise your ds1's after-school care. You are making moves in that direction already - well done! Keep moving in that direction.

Meanwhile, take copies of all financial documents, certificates and passports (esp ds2). Contact CAB and find out what you might be able to get financially if he were to leave. Secure your own position. Perhaps even see a solicitor for advice on legal means of removing him, and barring him, from the house.

Find a childminder that does afterschool pick ups from your DS's school? If you had a solution for picking up your DS would you stay?

If the answer is no, then start investigating options.

Thank you. I know myself and the kids would be happier and I know I can do it. It's just bloody hard and feels like such a weight on me.
As it is I've tried, I really have but he's just so passive aggressive and refuses to acknowledge the problems or work on them, counselling got a big no from him

How old are your children.
Also I would get so feed up of his threats I would tell the MIL it was a mistake and your upset it happened, so what if she hates you, seems like you don't need her to help you so no loss.

Are you earning, could you afford either the current rent or to rent on your own?

Think of it logically. Yes, it is hard raising children as a lobe parent, but I don't think staying with an emotionally abusive alcoholic would make it any easier.

So, do you have a support network? Family or friends who might help with childcare while you work?

7 and 3... No I dont need her... I'm feeling so overwhelmed and downtrodden

"Telling them I don't want him there any time I ask him to leave for a few days..."

ummm . . . . . Isn't that the truth?

Then you have nothing to lose, you won't be paying for him to eat , live in the house, or his drinking, so tell her, and let the dice fall as they may.

Also it will show him he has no hold over you.

Sometimes the worse, is not as bad as what you have now, maybe you can ask one of your childs friends mums if they would like to have him over to play till you finish work and pay her for her time.

He's a weight pressing down on you, sapping your energy and zst for life, sucking the joy out. He's doing that to you and he's doing it to the chldren. You all deserve better.

One big heave. You can do it.

you need to work on the things which are keeping you trapped.

1. childcare. Think carefully, what time do you need childcare until? Is there an afterschool club, is there a childminder who does after school pick up. Can you change working hours so you do one longer day and home one day etc etc. Imagine that you need this from, say, 1st October, get in gear and get it into place.

1. The house is in both names. Be practical, can you afford it alone? No? What can you afford, where could you live.

When you have your ducks in line, present him with fait accompli, he then has no power, you have sorted all the options.

The biggest issue I think you are going to face is that your ds is going to lose his dad. You need to face up to this, it is going to happen, the likelihood of him keeping up with ds sounds small, and he is going to continue to hold this over you. You need to prepare ds for this .

I don't agree that he has an obligation to look after your son if you split up. You need to sort it out.

I also don't think you're blameless either in all this...however I would tell him that if he threatens to tell his mum you cheated once more...that you'll tell her yourself...and Make sure you follow through.

Then the blackmail is over.

Sandy I don't think so either but it was his idea to do it from the start, and I think it's out of order to say he won't do it every time we have a row, so how am I meant to navigate that, have emergency childcare on reserve all the time?

I've been sorting out childcare for him today, I just think it's so laughable... When I tell h I have it sorted his tune will change to "I wasn't serious" and I'm overreacting

Ds will be upset too

He needs to stop saying that he'll stop picking DS up when you have a row. I meant you couldn't expect his assistance if you spilt up permanently.

Does your DS call him dad? Does he know he's not his dad?

Because I'd be telling your DH that you'll be gently getting DS know in the event of a split, that he may no longer be in his life.

His response will be telling.

Either you find alternative childcare or you accept the situation.

He has no obligation to pick up your son if you split, he won't be his child, nor will he be living with his mother. So no relation. People don't have to be nice!

If he did I think you would just be using him as its convienient.