Am I being Precious? Overreacting?

[iloveagoodlist]

I found out about DHs EA with a work colleague checking his WhatsApps. She was texting him constantly on Christmas Day last year.

A few weeks of snooping and I found thousands of hours of online chats, photos, emails etc.

One of the conditions of us staying together was I never find another trace of her ever again.

He promised to delete the contents of a portable hard drive. It vanished.

I just found it in the study. He's deleted nothing. All the saved chats and photos including nudie underwear shots are still there.

Am I wrong in hitting the roof? Is it an oversight?

I'm trying to trust him but this feels pretty shit

The only thing you've done wrong is to not kick the cheating shit to the kerb.

I think him hiding the hard drive will fulfill the condition of "never find a trace of her" in his head.

It's a bit trophy- ish isn't it.

I'd be fuming

Thanks. I just wanted to know if I was overreacting.

We're working on it but I'm struggling. This feels not good.

He's taking you for a fool. He's treating you with contempt. He's not even tried to hide it, or save them to a hard drive. He's got to go OP

I would take it that he had good memories of the affair. As far as I can see you warned him and you have to come good on it. It's bad enough he kept them at the time; keeping them now is deliberate. He's telling you he doesn't care what you say - he wants those memories of her and doesn't believe you can do anything about it.

Have you asked him about it?
It's not something he would likely forget about having is it.
As imonly said, trophy ish.

No he used it two days ago to back up his new iPhone.

Was my ask of no trace unfair?

Why would you think you would be overreacting?.

Your only mistake initially was not to give your DH his marching orders.
No trust - no relationship. Do not keep putting yourself through more undue misery on his account. He has no interest in working on your relationship.

He's mugging you off. The affair doesn't seem to be finished for him. Get rid.

Not unfair in the slightest!
LTB!

Thank you.

Get rid is complicated. Due to Scottish law he would be very very well off at my expense.

So they were on an old phone and he not only didn't delete them but backed them up so they transferred to a new phone?

That is a Trophy.

I'd be really turned off by that lack of respect OP. He should have been grateful for second chance you gave him and terrified of losing you. INstead he transferred them to his new phone?

I gave a similar condition as you and like you I found it hadn't been deleted. I didn't walk straight away it took me a few weeks to get rid due to have long kids and the mind fuck it was but I am so much happier without the dead weight he was especially emotionally. You deserve better than that.

In light of your latest post get legal advice and get everything set in your mind so when you do leave it will be a big shock out of nowhere for him

No it was all back up to that throughout last year.

He used the HD a few days ago again.

I told him in Feb to get rid when I found it. He promised he would.

Now it's back and on checking he used it to back up the switch to his new iPhone.

@PerfectPenquins I've had a lot of legal advice. SHL recommended on here.

It's grim reading.

It would ring an alarm bell for me OP, sorry. He should be doing anything and everything to regain your trust and, whether it was deliberate or an oversight, it doesn't show much effort or commitment towards proving his loyalty to you does it?

I would be having a really long think about where your cut off point is tbh, how many repeats of him shattering that fragile trust you're working so hard to build can you take before it becomes too damaging and you have to walk away?

Are you going to speak to him about it? Make sure you do it face to face, his reaction and body language could tell you a lot about whether he kept it deliberately or just forgot.

Can I ask how he'd be well off under Scottish law? I don't know how it's different up there.

Oh well, stay and continue to get mugged off then. It's always complicated and hard to split up. But usually worth your dignity and self respect.

"Get rid is complicated. Due to Scottish law he would be very very well off at my expense".

May I ask why that would be the case. Are you therefore going to simply continue being mugged off by him?. What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you within this at all?

Scottish law only covers the period of marriage. Assets obtained before that belong to that person and return to them.

Assets in the marriage period are split 50/50.

My wealth has increased massively whilst marriage.

Think 6 figures.

Yes. What price my sanity.

Ouch. Good luck whatever you do.

You need to start reducing your assets op. . Not illegal to fill up your dc bank accounts for spending on them for years to come. .