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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being Precious? Overreacting?

63 replies

iloveagoodlist · 01/09/2017 15:52

I found out about DHs EA with a work colleague checking his WhatsApps. She was texting him constantly on Christmas Day last year.

A few weeks of snooping and I found thousands of hours of online chats, photos, emails etc.

One of the conditions of us staying together was I never find another trace of her ever again.

He promised to delete the contents of a portable hard drive. It vanished.

I just found it in the study. He's deleted nothing. All the saved chats and photos including nudie underwear shots are still there.

Am I wrong in hitting the roof? Is it an oversight?

I'm trying to trust him but this feels pretty shit Sad

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 01/09/2017 16:22

Oh dear. If getting rid means he gets to fleece you and live well at your expense he possibly doesn't really care about you coming good on your threats.

I guess your options are to continue as you are but lose all trust in him, essentially spelling the end of trying to salvage a relationship but you keep your financial assets.

Or get rid, keep your dignity and self respect. Lose out financially.

Flashinthepan · 01/09/2017 16:22

What are the rules if you separate but don't divorce?

Very sorry to hear of your situation OP Flowers.

Perhaps you could make sure he finds not a trace of your money, but do it much better than he did at hiding the hard drive?

travailtotravel · 01/09/2017 16:22

What would happen if you just simply took the hard drive and deleted all the stuff? I know it ideally would be something he had done but it would give you some control back - I am not saying it's right by any means, but one approach.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2017 16:23

Can you dispose of some of said wealth in some off shore place? He really doesn't deserve your money.

Alpacaandgo · 01/09/2017 16:27

You need to think about disposing of some of your assets before disposing of your cheating bastard husband in that case. Is that a possibility?

Alpacaandgo · 01/09/2017 16:28

By disposing of, I mean kick him out. Please don't bury him under the patio or anything!

Original poster
iloveagoodlist · 01/09/2017 16:28

No. Can't hide pensions, houses and investments.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 01/09/2017 16:29

what price your sanity indeed. as long as you have enough to be comfortable, i'd say cut him loose, and that money well spent.

and if you can, put some into savings for your kids' education or whatever they may need.

Gemini69 · 01/09/2017 16:30

take the Hard drive outside... and smash it to pieces with a hammer.... smile and say nothing Flowers

Nuttynoo · 01/09/2017 16:31

Is he still seeing her?

BitOutOfPractice · 01/09/2017 16:32

I'd start making financial plans to be honest.

And no, you're not overreacting.

Plus, is say if they got as far as nude / underwear shots, it was more than "just" an EA. I'm not minimising EAs btw. Though I'd bet he has.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/09/2017 16:32

I like Gemini's suggestion.

And start selling off property etc asap, and putting funds into trust for your children. (And maybe a bit under the mattress for yourself . . . )

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2017 16:32

I would keep the hard drive as evidence of adultery. From what I've read, if you prove adultery the divorce can happen much quicker. It won't effect the financial aspect of it, but getting it over with as quickly as possible would be worth it to me.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/09/2017 16:32

I think it's disgusting that someone could cause the death of the marriage through infidelity and then claim half of the other person's money.

SweetEnough · 01/09/2017 16:35

Money isn't everything, and I say that as someone with very little, but I am happy and fulfilled.

It would annoy me massively that he would benefit at all, but you are worth so much more than that.

What's millions when you're dying everyday on the inside.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/09/2017 16:35

Not illegal to fill up your dc bank accounts for spending on them for years to come

In the type if way you are talking about, it is.

Flashinthepan · 01/09/2017 16:37

Will you continue to be able to rebuild your wealth if you divorced or was the money a one off? As I understand once marital assets are split in Scotland you no longer owe your ex anything. I know it doesn't help right now, but it might ease the blow a bit.

ikeadyounot · 01/09/2017 16:38

I agree with others - time to get rid!

I think there's a question here about the value of happiness versus the value of money. When I left my exP, I had to sell the house we owned together at a loss. I couldn't afford to buy another, so I was effectively going from mortgagee to renter. But you know what? It was totally worth the money to be rid of him from my life. And in a few years, I'd got the debt cleared, and saved enough to get myself back on the ladder. Yes, it was a hiccup I could have done without, but it also opened the door for me to have a trusting, and really good relationship with my now-DH. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2017 16:38

The chats are too precious for him to delete them. I'd say he's got strong feelings for her, if not love.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 01/09/2017 16:40

I don't know the extent of your wealth but one small thing you could do is pay a few grand on to your credit card. I don't know if there's a limit to how much you can put on your credit card but I put a few grand on it once.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2017 16:41

Does the evidence support it being an EA only? Because with all the nude shots, physical distance is the only reason they won't have taken it to the next level.

Original poster
iloveagoodlist · 01/09/2017 16:45

Lots of questions, sorry if I miss them.

Both lawyers agreed with the financial stuff. It's going to hit me badly. Yes I can be independently wealthy again but it would be like losing 20 years of my life.

He is no longer in contact. As far as I know.
I made sure her husband saw everything. Including the contents of the hard drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveagoodlist · 01/09/2017 16:45

It was EA only as far as I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveagoodlist · 01/09/2017 16:46

I'm starting to shake again like before. Sad

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 01/09/2017 16:50

The longer you're together the more he'll get, so unless you want to spend forever with a serial cheat you need to find a way out.

Whatever was accrued during your marriage is joint wealth so it's 50/50 - unless you have dc?

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