Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not agreeing with grounds for divorce - do I just let it go?

54 replies

Whereisthesunshine · 22/07/2017 15:11

H is divorcing me. It's an unwanted divorces for me. He sent me a list of my 'unreasonable behaviour' which he is planning to use and, frankly, it's a bunch of lies. They make me look financially and emotionally abusive. I am not. It's taken out of context and not truthful. I am so upset and it suddenly feels so raw again.

Do I just let it go or is there a way to challenge them? He is apparently filling in all the paperwork himself and will pay. No shared assets, that's all sorted.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 22/07/2017 15:16

You can challenge as the respondent but it may mean more cost for you both.

If he sent you them before sending in the paperwork then presumably he's willing to get your input? Have you asked him to change what he's written?

JustGiveMeTwoMinutes · 22/07/2017 15:21

I read online this morning that You can agree to them on the condition that they are not used for any other proceedings. So they form the grounds for the divorce but nothing else. Take legal advice.

Original poster
Whereisthesunshine · 22/07/2017 15:25

Sorry, I was unclear in my OP. It was more along the line of 'btw this is what I have used in the petition'. He wasn't asking for input.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 22/07/2017 15:34

Seek legal advice.

Desmondo2016 · 22/07/2017 15:36

You can accept the divorce petition but comment on your response to say you dispute the reasons given.

Changedname3456 · 22/07/2017 15:37

I'm not sure it'll be worth your while to challenge the grounds, tbh.

I know that when you are served the initial papers you're asked if you agree to the divorce and the grounds for it. There's space to give your reasons for objecting.

In practice I don't think it really matters (unless you're concerned that DC will read it at some point in the future?) - divorce now is "no fault" and his grounds for unreasonable behaviour won't make any difference to the financial side.

IP1974 · 22/07/2017 15:46

What's the point in challenging it really? A divorce petition is not a public document. Nobody will see it unless either of you show them. Defending a divorce is costly, stressful and time consuming. And ultimately you would be asking the court to keep you married so they are usually unsuccessfully defended too. For your own sanity and emotional wellbeing I'd just let it go

Original poster
Whereisthesunshine · 22/07/2017 15:56

Thank you. Deep down I know there is no point in challenging. It just feels so crushing, knowing that what else has written isn't true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereisthesunshine · 22/07/2017 15:57

he has written

OP posts:
Syc4moreTrees · 22/07/2017 15:59

Be careful he isn't trying to use a fault based ground to fix you with costs

KickAssAngel · 22/07/2017 16:06

A friend of ours spent an hour with a solicitor when he was divorcing, exaggerating/twisting stuff his wife did so that it fit the criteria for "unreasonable behavior". They'd both agreed that he would divorce her on those grounds, so she had accepted that it was happening. He found it upsetting, as he knew he wasn't really showing a true picture of her, but to get the divorce without waiting for years, he had to say those things. Neither of them had been that unreasonable (until she had an affair, but they were in different bedrooms by then) but the law demands that one person is painted as the 'bad 'un' so that the other person can then divorce.

Does it help if you just think of it as one of the legal hoops that have to be jumped through? If it doesn't make you out to be a complete cow, he won't get the divorce, and then this will drag on for far longer.

Butterymuffin · 22/07/2017 16:11

OP you said 'it's an unwanted divorce for me' - can you explain that?

Original poster
Whereisthesunshine · 22/07/2017 16:18

Unwanted in the way that I wanted to try safe our marriage and he didn't. He had an EA, which is no more, but then decided he wanted to be single to do as he pleases.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 22/07/2017 16:44

It's worth suggesting you amend the draft if you feel very strongly but ultimately it has to be "unreasonable" so a judge will agree to the divorce.

I asked for a divorce but ex wanted to wait 2 years so I agreed that he could petition me..I thought we had agreed amicable words until he sent draft.It was vicious and totally untrue and I should have realised then that he would be highly unreasonable.

In the end I did get some changes as I felt so strongly about it.I would have cross petitioned if I had to but you are warned against it as costly.

In my case it was a signal of ex's determination to continue to bully which I never fully realised at the time.If you have no children then it's best to just get on with the divorce but a reasonable person would amend the petition if you felt strongly.

Hitrouble · 22/07/2017 19:24

IIRC you can "defend" the divorce which will cause a delay and you'll need to go to court in front of the judge.

With mine, I ticked the box that said I didn't want to defend, but wrote a comment saying that I don't defend the divorce but I disagree with the following point etc

Butterymuffin · 22/07/2017 22:59

If you don't want the divorce, then don't agree with his reasons. If it's what he's after rather than you, then he will have to find a way to do it without insulting you.

Changedname3456 · 22/07/2017 23:56

It all depends on whether you want to push it to two years of separation before you get divorced (in which case contest the wording) or if it would be better to get it done and not drag it out.

It's your decision, but a swift(ish) clean break is, IMO, the less painful option in the long run and worth swallowing the BS of the wording to get it over.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 23/07/2017 10:37

It's awful, but if he wants a divorce and you don't, getting legal advice to challenge it will just cost you money and drag it out. You do get the opportunity to respond on the follow up paperwork if I remember. I wrote just one paragraph on my reasons for wanting a divorce on my petition. My Ex didn't agree with it (although it was all true) and said I'm going to write X,Y, Z about you. I said 'do it - it will just make the judge think the relationship has definitely broken down and stamp it that bit quicker.' In reality, no one sees what's on your divorce paperwork except in the judge and court admin staff and they don't care. It's harsh but objecting to the wording won't stop the divorce.

Original poster
Whereisthesunshine · 23/07/2017 13:35

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I do want to get it over with as it's constantly on my mind at the moment and it's driving me crazy. It's just so hard to keep perspective. I keep wondering whether I'm really that person he describes.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/07/2017 13:51

Perception is reality OP. I'm sure you're not like that in the slightest but, that's how he see's you & wants out.

One mans freedom fighter is another mans terrorist.

Just use this as the springboard to the rest of your life & make it awesome Flowers

Original poster
Whereisthesunshine · 23/07/2017 14:36

Thanks. I think I will force myself to see it that way.

OP posts:
Cookingongas · 23/07/2017 18:02

I'm probably not welcome here; but I left my husband. I was guilty- in every way. I was horrible to him, didn't like or respect him, and eventually had an affair. I left. I left him everything and helped him when he wanted to move; paid his deposit and my family used their vans to move all "his" stuff. I was left with no money, no reputation - I was honest :( - and no "things" . Including my clothes which he took in anger.

After this he demanded I leave my job because he couldn't work opposite me ( the bar across the street) and that I leave the uni we both attended ( different courses) as it wasn't fair that he had to see me every day. I did.

A couple of months later I wanted to divorce. I tried to claim my own unreasonable behaviour- you're not allowed to do that. He wouldn't petition me. I had to either list fictional bad behaviour or fictional adultery Sad

He was most upset- and went a bit mad at me. I chose adultery because I couldn't bring myself to list fake bad behaviour on his part knowing that I was at fault.

He agreed in the end. And I think you should do what he did- smile and nod and get this bastard out of your life. I'm sorry.

Cookingongas · 23/07/2017 18:06

Ps- I'm not for a second suggesting that he has been forced to fabricate this about you! Just that you could be the bigger person and see this as a way out. Never look back x

IrritatedUser1960 · 23/07/2017 18:07

Unless you have legal aid it will cost you many thousands, my solicitor said if I challenged it would be around £30,000 but you know I've done this twice and post divorce and even during divorce the judge and everyone else couldn't give a shit about the petition.
It doesn't mean you get any less in the settlement whatsoever nor does it affect custody.
Courts are well used to this kind of pettiness and just ignore it. So should you, it is irrelevant.

Wolfiefan · 23/07/2017 18:10

I'm confused. You say he's lied but also that he took it out of context. I appreciate you can't say too much but those are not the same things at all. There's a difference between "that didn't happen" and "well it really wasn't quite like that at all."