not agreeing with grounds for divorce - do I just let it go?

[Whereisthesunshine]

H is divorcing me. It's an unwanted divorces for me. He sent me a list of my 'unreasonable behaviour' which he is planning to use and, frankly, it's a bunch of lies. They make me look financially and emotionally abusive. I am not. It's taken out of context and not truthful. I am so upset and it suddenly feels so raw again.

Do I just let it go or is there a way to challenge them? He is apparently filling in all the paperwork himself and will pay. No shared assets, that's all sorted.

My solicitor gave me a short comment to write in one of the boxes on the form to the effect that you 'don't object to the reasons but reserve the right to contest them at a later date'.
It is unlikely to be read by anyone that matters in your future.

I can see how it could be taken out of context my ex told his family I wouldn't let him buy brakes for the car I told his brother the money was in the bank he had his card he had to go and get them himself he was shocked at the different story

The truth was I was a sahm pregnant and ex expected me to take two buses there and back to get his break pads and I said no so he refused to go get them and drove till he got sparks

People saying that the reasons won't be seen in the future - if I were to marry a divorced man I would want to know why his ex divorced him to check for any red flags. I have known other people do this before marrying. So a future partner of the OP may well see them.

Wolfie, sorry I tried to be vague. We made a very big decision some point. Afterwards he told me he didn't want this to happen but at time he drove it forward. In the petition, he stated that his view wasn't heard and he felt steam rolled.

dimots can people really do this? How?

Sorry. I didn't mean to ask for exact details. Sounds like he's rewritten history to suit him. I'm so sorry you're facing this.

I divorced my ex for unreasonable behaviour, he couldn't wait the 2 years to divorce with no fault, as he wanted his share of the house. He put on the reply that he didn't agree with the reasons given but wouldn't contest it.

whereis by asking their partner to show them? If they refuse, then that's a red flag already.

Unless there were children and it could affect I'd just leave it. He had to find reasons that would seem unreasonable.
You'd probably have done the same if you wanted to divorce your husband.

The alternative would be for you to divorce him and put the request in, with him paying, but the result would be exactly the same.

It's a shit process OP. I had to rework my reasons until they would be enough to satisfy the court. Of course I believe everything i said was true but yes it's subjective. And there were good times too which isn't reflected. I tried to tell ex it isn't the sum total of my view of our life together, it was a process, but of course he was upset. I would have preferred not to have to say difficult things.

It creates a very unpleasant antagonistic start to the process. I would have preferred to be on the recieving end personally rather than causing the hurt but stbxh would never have divorced me.

I really do think financially, unless your have a lot of money, you should probably just go along with.

I personally think 2 years is a long time to wait to finalise things. My hope is that making financial arrangements official sooner rather than later will help us move on (and in our situation focus on co parenting).

I can imagine it feels tough not to record the other side of the story/your perspective. But at the end of the day divorce generally is sad/shit anyway.

It is ludicrous. Ex's reasons for my unreasonable behaviour were so ridiculous, even he admitted it.

Financial and probably EA are relatively (compared to violence or alcoholism etc) relatively innocuous and you would likely see traces of them while dating any new prospective partner. By reading the wording on the divorce petition it would be relatively easy to 'test' the allegations against your reading of the person.
You also need to bear in mind that 'lying' or more tactfully 'exaggerating' the complaints seems to be necessary in some cases, as hinted at earlier.

I saw xh's list of my unreasonable behaviour being perfect evidence of how horrifically unreasonable he was. It was almost comical given what a total arsehole he was to me. I asked about contesting it but it certainly wasn't worth the thousands it would have cost me.

Dp has never asked. I'd worry more that the dcs would. I'm sure they'll work out for themselves that he's a bit of an eejit when they're older though and take it with a mine full of salt.

Dimots I've never whipped out a copy of my divorce petition to show a potential partner. I've discussed the marriage and subsequent break up (it's not a secret) but I think insisting on seeing the official paperwork is unnecessary.

Surely an open discussion of mutual past relationships is sufficient.

Maybe you haven't, but it's a possibility. I do know people who have asked this question. Many people entering relationships later in life have been badly burned and want every reassurance. I know of at least one man who wasn't divorced at all, but still went through with another wedding. He was convicted of bigamy, but it was an awful shock for both wives...

i'd respond back with the truth - his EA and desire to be single.

I did challenge what my ex wrote, as suspicious ideas had been twisted to make me look unfaithful when I had not been, and I was concerned that the children might one day read the papers. It didn't cost much apart from a couple of solicitor's exchanges to get it watered down considerably. It isn't important in the terms of the divorce though, from what I was advised - and can be as 'unreasonable' as "doesn't have my dinner on the table when I get in from work" lol. It just has to show that one party considers there are grounds.

Dimots, unless they took copies they won't have the petition.

The only paperwork I have from my divorce is the final decree nisi. It doesn't say why we divorced I don't think. Everything else went back to the court

I "parented separately." This was because he lived away for work during the week.
I "didn't allow him to share the marital bed," once I'd found out he was having an affair
I can't remember the rest other than I was called frivolous. I quite liked that bit.

I'm reading with interest-- I've been dragging my feet about putting in a petition and now that it's mutual (H and I are living separately) I think it's a shame that one or the other has to declare unreasonable behaviour...when the reasons are bound to cause annoyance and conflict which isn't a good way to start an amicable separation. Best just to go along with it to save time and money but I'm glad you have the option of stating that you don't agree.

I'm wondering about semi-lying and saying we've been separated for 2 years.. we've had 2 properties and basically lived apart but H constantly badgered me to join him...so not really separated. But who would know??

I would let it go op, time to move forward.

Financial and probably EA are relatively (compared to violence or alcoholism etc) relatively innocuous

My ex H left me for the OW and pushed instantly and persistently for divorce. I wanted to wait 2 years because I was emotionally and physically exhausted dealing with devastated children, adjusting to single parenting and having to suddenly move and just could not face the paperwork etc. He told me he would divorce me for unreasonable behaviour to get it done faster and i suggested he divorce me for adultery instead as I didn't think our coparenting relationship would survive whatever lies he was going to come up with. As it happens, by the time the whole thing came to pass a year or so later I had technically committed adiltery and even though it was galling to accept 'fault' it was the simplest and fastest way to get him off my back. I don't regret it. And if anyone wanted to see my divorce paperwork (not sure why!) I'd be happy to explain it. It's an irrelevance really. I know the truth and so does he. Whatever lies he may tell himself.

Thank you. Hearing your stories is really helpful.