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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who should clean this mess??

71 replies

CokeAttack · 17/07/2017 08:45

Very short version
Partner A picks up their lunch bag and drops a bottle of Coke that was in there. Bottle exploded, mess everywhere.

Long version
Lunch bad was a t the top of a cupboard that A can't reach (being on tiptoes allows them to grab the handle of the bag but not the bag itself iyswim). PArtner B has put the bag there open.
Partner B has been told numerous times that it's very hard for A to reach and to please not out the bag too far away/close the bag etc....
A also has a chronic illness that means they are extremely tired so the half an hour+ of cleaning on the top of day to day stuff (A cleans the kitchen in the am, prepare the evening meal if in slow cooker etc...) is likely to send them over energy wise. A doesn't not do that sort of cleaning (as in floors, doors etc) in the house on a day to day basis due to their illness and haven't done so for several years now.

So what would you expect to happen? A cleans, B cleans, A and B clean the kitchen together??

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 17/07/2017 08:48

If B was home, A should have asked B to get the bag down for them instead of struggling.

I think it would be nice for B to offer to help given A has a restrictive chronic illness.

What happened? I assume you are A?

Newdad19 · 17/07/2017 08:49

Whoever has their hands free/is in less of a rush than the other. We are a team so its nit about cleaning up your own mess. There needs to be a bit of give and take on both sides.

JumpingJellybeanz · 17/07/2017 08:50

A and B work together. Although my DH wouldn't let me even if it was entirely my own fault (I also have a chronic illness/disability).

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2017 08:50

If it's hard for A to reach the bag and B keeps ignoring requests not to put it there then A should not try to get it - every!
B can go without lunch until B learns to put the bag somewhere A can get to it easily!

Original poster
CokeAttack · 17/07/2017 08:52

A didn't know thatbthe bottle was in the bag so grab the handle and the bottle fell over.
A is also trying very hard not ask for help all the time. This would be very tiring for B.

B was ready to go to work but work flexible time so really could have arrived at work 15mins later.
A doesn't leave until 11.00am but had stuff to do in the am that won't get done now as A has spent the half an hour cleaning somwill need the am to rest before being able to go to work.

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 17/07/2017 09:00

A should clean it if B is going to work. A made the mess. Did B make the lunch, is that why they put it away? Or did A make it and leave it in the way? A should also invest in a kitchen step stool like the rest of us short arses.

Qvar · 17/07/2017 09:05

A should clean it if B is about to go to work. A should also get a step so A can reach things that are high up.

B should be grateful that A is cleaning up and should stop putting things where A can't reach them

Original poster
CokeAttack · 17/07/2017 09:08

Nope lunch box was empty bar the bottle of Coke. The top of the cupboard is where it 'lives' so there was no reason at all to suddenly find that there was something in there in the first place. Bottle of Coke could easily have been tidy away in the cupboard (when it belongs?)
Lunch bag was A's who was trying to prepare their own lunch.

B is the person who normally tidies all the lunch bags in the evening (A being too tired to do anything at all after a full day at work - the arrangementbis that A does as much as possible in the am when they do have some energy and B takes over in the evenings)

OP posts:
TalkinBoutNuthin · 17/07/2017 09:08

Oh for heaven's sakes. You're A aren't you, why are you dicking about with all of this A and B stuff?

Your partner was being a dick leaving the bag where you couldn't reach, knowing you couldn't reach it and being asked repeatedly not to put it there.

Is your DP always this unhelpful?

Original poster
CokeAttack · 17/07/2017 09:11

But B could have stayed 15 mins to help wo any issue so it's not as if they HAD to leave just right then.

A finds using a stool to grab stuff at the top of cupboard difficult.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 17/07/2017 09:16

You're clearly A and you're pissed off that your DP went to work and left you to it.

This could have been avoided if you'd just asked him to get it down in the first place. Reaching up to a shelf isn't going to exhaust them!

bimbobaggins · 17/07/2017 09:16

I would say a dropped it so a should clean it up quickly rather than waiting around for help

Ceto · 17/07/2017 09:25

A should have used a stool. A cleans up.

Original poster
CokeAttack · 17/07/2017 09:30

You don't clean Coke that has spilled all over the kitchen quickly though. It requires some physical effort from bending down etc... I appreciate that for people who are well it look like nothing. That's not the case for someone who is ill.

caffe yes I am A.
The reason why I started this way is because I wanted some opinions that would be as neutral as possible.
All the answers so far have come through my head and I can not decide which ones is the 'right' one iyswim.
I feel very guilty not to be able to do more and am very independent as a person. I hate needing to constantly ask for help.
But when you are at the stage where you plan every single thing you do to make them as economical in energy as possible then half an hour+ of what is physical work looks like climbing Mount Everest.
I 'quickly' cleaned the kitchen. I finished being in the verge of tears from the tiredness. The kitchen is still disgusting as in sticky but at least there is no coke in the floor, the door and the walls anymore. I still need to do the cooking for the slow cooker for tonight.
I also needed to do some stuff for work (I'm self employed) so it has impacted on my own day of work as I won't be able to do it today. I know I'm now going to sit doing very little for the rest of the am.

I suppose that I, at the same time, feel guilty to ask DH to do 'so much'. And really frustrated that he doesn't seem to get it and isn't listening to me when I ask for that sort of accommodation (such as keeping the bag in a place where I can reach it).

OP posts:
BloodWorries · 17/07/2017 09:31

Just wanted to point out A might not be able to use a stool. I have chronic pain issues, and I cannot not and will not use a stool to reach things. If my DP puts thing out of my reach then he needs to put them back into my reach or I have to go without. It's not worth the risk to me (or him).

Why do the bags 'live' or even live somewhere where you cannot reach? Seriously you OH needs to stop making your life more difficult. Have a bit of a rearrange together one evening or at the weekend and make space either on the countertop or in one of the cupboards where you can easily access them.

Original poster
CokeAttack · 17/07/2017 09:35

DH was upstairs getting ready.
Do you really think it would be a good idea to ask him to go downstairs to grab the bag EVERYDAY? (And no he doesn't take it down for me when he takes his down.)

What normally happens is that I grab the bag by the handle. The bag is normally empty (or has a packet of pain killers in it, nothing that can be broken). So even if it 'tips over' this is never an issue as such.
However DH left the bottle there which I wasn't aware about. (It shoud have been out back in the cupboard in the first place anyway) If I had, then I could have asked/waited/whatever. But as it turns out, I didn't.

OP posts:
Therealslimshady1 · 17/07/2017 09:37

I think any couple arguing over this is,depressing

It is not about "who was at falt"

Accidents happen, anyone who had time/ability to clean up should just get on with it.

When I drop something (clumsy), he'd jump up yo get a cloth/mop. Same the other way around

We would not try to find the person who was to blame, and leave it to them alone. That is just a sad way to live imo

SeaCabbage · 17/07/2017 09:58

The A and B thing was annoying.

But, why on earth would your husband put a bottle of coke in the bag in the first place? That was bloody stupid and thoughtless and surely pointless. Did you ask him?

I think he should have cleaned it all up to help you. What did he say? did you ask him to help you clean up?

I can't believe there isn't a lower down cupboard where he could store your lunch bag every evening. Why is he being an arse?

Original poster
CokeAttack · 17/07/2017 10:04

The bottle was in there in the first place. He just didn't take it out.

DH just found excuses 'I didn't think you would need it today'. Except that he usually doesn't take it down (nor does it take dc2 who normally ends up climbing on the bar stool to get it)
No proposal at all to help in any shape or form.

I did tell him that I had asked him to be careful with the bag/position etc... numerous times. And that doing the cleaning would send me over the edge. He didn't say anything (normal for him - silence is his preferred answer in that sort of situation)

OP posts:
Seenoevil · 17/07/2017 10:07

Your arguing over a bottle of Coke ?

Whoever knocked it over should clean it upHmm
It does not take half hour to clean up a spilt bottle of Coke.

So I'm this case A should clean it up, and start putting your lunch bag in a lower cupboard out of site from B so he doesn't put it to high. End of.

LucyLocketLostIt · 17/07/2017 10:09

What @Therealslimshady1 said ^^

Orangetoffee · 17/07/2017 10:20

If your husband keeps putting the bag out of your reach than yes you should get him to take it down every time.

And I think he should have given you a hand cleaning up the coke, it doesn't matter who is at 'fault', it's normal kindness.

LizzieMacQueen · 17/07/2017 10:25

You need to find somewhere else to store the lunchbags - that's pretty obvious.

But I wouldn't expect DH to stay to help if that then made him late for work, no matter how flexible his work is.

Lostbeyondwords · 17/07/2017 10:26

Regardless of who cleaned it or should have, it looks like the bag needs to "live" somewhere else in that case. I would focus on making it easier for future use. There has to be somewhere else it can sit.

mrsm43s · 17/07/2017 10:27

Surely the answer here is for you to put your own lunch bag away, in a cupboard you can comfortably reach. If it's not within easy reaching distance, then either ask your husband/child to get it for you, or use a carrier bag/other bag that you can reach.

Honestly, I do think it's your responsibility to clear up the mess from the bottle that you dropped. That said, given that you are unwell, it would be reasonable for you to ask your DH for help, and for him to do so willingly. Bearing in mind he needed to leave in 15 mins for work and you didn't need to leave til 11, I can understand why he assumed you were in better position to clear up your spillage than he was.

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