My husband is the bomb - how can I thank him?

[Stilyaga]

I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant and have had a pretty shitty time of it physically and emotionally. I also had an early miscarriage immediately before this pregnancy, so technically I've "been pregnant" and feeling like crap since January.

My husband has been absolutely incredible (even more than he usually is ) this whole time by doing things like taking over my share of the housework; rubbing my back and feet almost daily; bringing me food and drinks all the time; standing up to his family for me when I've been too sick to travel; and essentially treating me like a goddamn queen. Not once has he ever had to be asked, and not once has he lost his patience or expressed any ounce of frustration at having to do so much extra.

Now I am feeling like a new woman, and really would like some ideas on how I can thank him (other than my many, MANY verbal thankyous over the last few months)!

The reason I want advice is because many "normal" go-to treats like sex, alcohol and sugary/unhealthy food aren't right for us at the moment for various reasons, and as we are obviously saving for our baby I know he wouldn't appreciate me spending silly money on any kind of gift.

What would you do? What have you done in the past? Husbands of mumsnet - what would you appreciate?

I'd expect all this as standard , just because you see useless husbands and partners on here does not make it ok.
I would concentrate on the pregnancy , the baby is reward enough !

LTB
joking! I think he probably knows how much you apreciate him

Also saying this because when the baby comes you won't get any special gifts , praise etc for doing all the standard child rearing things that women do without protest. Men however are lauded and praised for every single little thing they do (ok not all but the babysitting their own children idea springs to mind).

In your vows you promised to look after each other in sickness and in health, he's just doing what he should be doing! If it was the other way round I'm sure you wouldn't be being thanked profusely.

organix - maybe you're right and the "useless partner" has become such a common sight for me here and elsewhere that my worldview is totally skewed! Well, at least if nothing else this post can show others what a decent bloke should be doing!

Write him a letter to let him know that you appreciate him.

Have a baby for him and give birth to it. That's enough.

You could do that jar thing (Pinterest has loads of ideas). Basically you pick 3 or 4 colours of paper and put the colour coding on the front of the jar so for example:

Blue = a reason I love you
Green = a memory of us I love
Pink = a treat for you

And the treats can be anything so avoiding sex/alcohol/sugar etc so things like

You chose the film when we go to the cinema
I'll cook you dinner
You choose our next day out/date/holiday

Whatever it is he likes really.

very soon you are either going to have major surgery or do the equivalent of pushing a decent sized melon out of your fanjo.

He will get a lovely snuggly baby and you will feel mentally and physically drained for the next 6 months at least.

Frankly the occasional foot rub is the least he can do.

Maybe plan a movie evening at home and get one of those people that do massages at home to come and give him a massage

organix I totally toootally agree with you that society wouldn't see me deserving of thanks, but I can assure you that he would, and has, in the past, thanked me profusely and treated me (sweet notes or cards or surprises or just verbal thanks) for doing stuff I considered at the time to be normal, like doing extra housework "for him" or helping him out when he's been poorly. The poor guy seems totally overwhelmed with gratitude at the moment because I'm growing a baby for us!

Maybe that's why I felt like treating him back .

Oh and tell him you love him and do fun stuff together because you love him not because you feel grateful to him.

TBH he should be treating you like a queen. But if you want to show him your thankful for him being a decent human and If the usual treat are out and your trying to save maybe cook him his favourite meal, put in his faviourite film or music. Make him a cup of tea. Just those little things that shows your thinking of him.

He sounds lovely. But I agree with others that he hasn't done anything 'above and beyond' and you might want to avoid feeding into the notion that simple decency and responsibility from a man is equal to some sort of heroic deed.

I think if you're the type to do this sort of thing (I am), you could maybe get a "me and my dad" type storybook and write something inside it, to the baby, with the date, about how lucky s/he is to have a wonderful dad who loved him/her and cared for him/her even before s/he as born, by caring for his/her mum so well. And give the book to dh.

That way you're making a gesture, showing that you appreciate what he's doing, but putting it in the context of the two of you being "in it together" getting through pregnancy, and you appreciating him treating it that way, as opposed to his contribution being lauded while your much, much greater one is unmentioned.

"I'd really love to do something nice for my husband who I think has been great of late. Any suggestions?"

MN : don't fucking bother, he doesn't sound too great.

Thanks for the suggestions, folks, some are really lovely!

This thread should have definitely been re-named:

My husband is doing normal stuff for me but I really appreciate it and although he's not doing it to be thanked, we always treat each other (usually with booze or donuts or pricey shit) for all sorts of reasons and I want to treat him again but neither of us are drinking or eating shitty things or spending money right now so how can I treat him? But that didn't really have the same ring to it

We definitely are a "treats to say thanks for basic shit" type couple.

Also it's so saddening that we live in a world where this sort of shit is seen as "amazing" behaviour. It also just goes to show that most of my friends have had really shitty partners, (not even mentioning some of the pieces of garbage that crop up in posts on here!!) because whilst I don't think he deserves a medal, I honestly thought that this was "ideal" treatment than "duh, normal, everyone does this" treatment.

Thanks for the dose of reality! I heart mumsnet; it's like having 1000 straight-talking big sisters.

quimby I snorted

He's not amazing op just a nice normal guy.

quimby with laughter, in case that wasn't clear...

Just tell him how much you appreciate it. That you wouldn't be feeling like this without him and you think he's wonderful.

Surely that's better than any physical gift.

joanne but he is amazing, to meeee (is there a vomit emoji?) but srsly folks, new question:

What would your other half have to do to warrant a thank you or a little treat from you? I am genuinely curious now. Particularly those who have said this is totally normal, non-treat-worthy behaviour.

Or, even better:

If the above is a normal, nice husband, what does an amazing husband do?

E.g. A champagne-dispensing wiener, because if so, my guy is sadly way off and tbh I might start looking elsewhere right now.

Glad to know he treats you too, OP, you sound really great . Lucky baby. congrats!

I think for a lot of people treating their partner comes from a place of love, not a place of gratitude. So it's not a case of warranting it. The warranting it comes from choosing a partner who is an equal in the first place. Then as it's a partnership, you share the workload in the way that is fair at any given time. You show gratitude I suppose by being as equal. You step up when you need to.

It's a load of bollocks quite frankly he is being wonderful.

I mean if I make my DH a cup of tea, or vise versa, should neither of us say thank you because making a cup of tea is normal and to be expected? Do we heck, we say thank you and show you appreciate them.

newyears sniffle Thanks!