My husband is the bomb - how can I thank him?

[Stilyaga]

I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant and have had a pretty shitty time of it physically and emotionally. I also had an early miscarriage immediately before this pregnancy, so technically I've "been pregnant" and feeling like crap since January.

My husband has been absolutely incredible (even more than he usually is ) this whole time by doing things like taking over my share of the housework; rubbing my back and feet almost daily; bringing me food and drinks all the time; standing up to his family for me when I've been too sick to travel; and essentially treating me like a goddamn queen. Not once has he ever had to be asked, and not once has he lost his patience or expressed any ounce of frustration at having to do so much extra.

Now I am feeling like a new woman, and really would like some ideas on how I can thank him (other than my many, MANY verbal thankyous over the last few months)!

The reason I want advice is because many "normal" go-to treats like sex, alcohol and sugary/unhealthy food aren't right for us at the moment for various reasons, and as we are obviously saving for our baby I know he wouldn't appreciate me spending silly money on any kind of gift.

What would you do? What have you done in the past? Husbands of mumsnet - what would you appreciate?

Paninotogo

Go back to the OP and read the first line of the second paragraph

What paninotogo? Most men you know do 100% housework, footrubs every night, great with dealing with family, very supportive?

Must be on a different section of Mumsnet to the one I normally read!

Even if they did, caring for someone else and being a good partner is still something to be thankful for. John Gottman's work on happy marriages shows an interaction of five enjoyable/happy interactions or more for every one negative one. Carry on OP!

As a guy, the only thing I'd want from my DP is to feel desired. That's really what most guys want from a relationship. You can do that through a bunch of different ways, depending on what his main love language is. If it's physical touch, you'll have to do something creative that you are comfortable with. If my DP was you, I'd be overjoyed to receive spontaneous hugs from behind.

Looking at this thread is a little depressing. I see a bunch of women who probably treat their partners with contempt. Whether that is warranted or not, I don't know. I'd hope that when people marry that they try to be their best self for their partner always.

As for "giving" sex, if my DP said that I would be turned off from her. That's a grim view of intimacy. I would hope that she feels as I do, that it's an act of passion and emotion connection that we both share in. Not some service that is traded for favours or sperm or to keep the other partner happy.

Just hold your DP for a little bit longer whenever you embrace him. He'll notice.

Could you order him a beautiful personalised card? Or organise a date night in with heslthy but favourite foods and treats cooked by you and watch his favourite film?

No one has to be a certain way with anyone , even in a relationship! I think if you feel like this, then its defiantly nice that you want to show him that he is appreciated, we all need that little boost now and then! I think something nice would be getting him something relating to being a dad??? Or even if hes doing something out of the ordinary (such as the massages) maybe get him a voucher to get one himself!

lovebookonline.com/pricing-shipping/

My DP got me a book like this for Christmas. It's personalized. It made me well up reading it. I'm not usually a sentimental person but this got the waterworks going.

If it's in your budget this could be a nice gift.

The OP's first post was really lovely, but this thread rapidly went down hill from there!

The OP isn't exactly doing anything out of the ordinary either, to warrant be treated like a queen, etc. And I'm sure it was a joint decision to have the baby, unless she's one hell of a martyr. All this "giving him a baby" or whatever it was. Maybe he'd be happy to swap it if he could.

I have no suggestions, OP. But I think you, your DH; and your little baby are all really lucky to have each other, and to show your appreciation of the little things is really sweet.

God there are some bloody miseries on here. Falling over themselves to tell you your DH isn't all that

Your DH sounds lovely OP and there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to show your love and appreciation

OP - you sound very nice. And so does he

Am a great believer in counting blessings, and you've got a lot

As far as what I would like from my DW, I suppose the main thing is her being nice to me

Another thing is that she always looks smart and sexy. If that sounds like your relationship, then make sure you keep your standards up. We don't slob around the place because we know what the other expects

| would talk to him about the future, what you're all going to do together, what a great father he's going to be etc. Praise him for what you want him to be like, and you'll find that he'll live up to it

Lucky OP!

I am with those who think it's lovely to repay kindness by doing the same. Just as it is nice when my DH shows his gratitude to me for doing everyday things why wouldn't you want to return the same sentiment. Right load of misery guts on here sometimes!

What about a little handwritten note to put in his work or gym bag or lunchbox which gives a list of reasons why he is a fan husband/will be a great dad?

Wow, some of these messages have been so lovely. Thank you for all the great suggestions, and special thanks for the male input! I think I'm going to bank the ideas and use all of them at some point! .

However, I do find “giving him a baby” as a gift just as icky as “giving him sex”. I feel gifts can be just for the pleasure of the receiver and it's cool if the giver doesn't enjoy the book/movie/dinner, but sex and babies don’t fall into that category for me; the giver needs to be just as into it!

I think my OP could have been misinterpreted as "he's suddenly been this nice because I'm feeling shitty". I absolutely agree that this level of thoughtfulness should be the norm from a caring partner during a tough time, be it pregnancy or anything else.

However, he is this nice all the fucking time. (I'll pop a little list of examples below for panino and anyone else who comes along thinking I'm falling over myself for some "slightly better than average" guy who just turns it on in emergencies.)

Normally, I am able to reciprocate his niceness with my own but this past 6 months I haven't been able to do that, which is why I wanted to do something to make up for all the little things I haven't had the energy to treat him with.

Anyway, because being super kind, respectful and thoughtful 24/7, 365 doesn’t qualify (perhaps rightly so) as "amazing partner" material, here is just a tiny sample of some of the other awesome shit he has done for me over the past few years (if you already think he's a good'un feel free to stop reading now as this will just sound like a huge, obnoxious boast):

• Worked over 100 hours of overtime in a crap job he hated just to fly out to the country I was living in at the time to celebrate my birthday with me

• Saved for 3 years to buy me a beautiful engagement ring and whisked me off to Paris to propose with it

• Became a vegetarian just because he knew how much it would mean to me

• Saved up - in the same shitty job - and surprised me with Tiffany diamond earrings on our wedding day

• Organised a surprise party, complete with mini petting zoo in our garden on my most recent birthday

• Brings flowers about once a month just because, and bought one bunch each month of our first year of marriage

• Randomly does "my" house jobs sometimes just so I don't have to do them

• Stopped drinking alcohol as soon as I got pregnant because he wanted to try and share the experience in any way he could

• Learned how to dance because he knew I dreamed of a choreographed wedding dance

And, my personal favourite ...

• His favourite sex position? Cunnilingus.

Case closed, non?

Anyone who still doesn’t think he is the bomb, please PLEASE reveal your partner’s superpowers to us!!

Thanks again for all your input, folks. Enjoy the rest of your evening!

That's all great, OP, but could have done without the TMI cunnilingus!

Yep, your husband definitely is a bomb

Im with the op. We should be rewarding good behaviour. Thats animal training 101!

sorry paws I'm fairly new to mumsnet and slowly having to work out how much I is TMI... #baptismoffire

Maybe buy him something soothing. You know, posh candles or a massage to help him defuse?

Op, there's nothing wrong with you wanting to do something nice for him as a thank you at all! You've not been at your best he's taken care of you and picked up the slack, now you feel better you want to give back a little. I'd say that's perfectly normal and loving.

I do admit my boyfriends the slightly more romantic one of the two of us and he does tend to go all out at birthdays etc and does more of the little day to day gestures. I do try to think of things he'd appreciate though and for him little notes/jars etc wouldn't be it. His favourite meal cooked or tickets to a film/gig he'd like to go to is his thing or a massage after footy, he loves that.

You could do a evening of his favourite things, cook his favourite meal, then put on his favourite film with his favourite treats/snacks and snuggle up on the sofa together.
You both sound lovely btw!