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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please comment on this incident

57 replies

mikado1 · 27/06/2017 12:39

Ds (5) pulls runner on the bed in anger, disturbing my folded clothes. I told him he needed to put things back as they were. Before he did, DH straightened runner so I whispered 'He's to do it', at which he threw it around agsin and said 'Bloody he'll, fine', really annoyed. So I said 'good reaction', considering our son needs to learn about appropriate reactions. He then picked up a bundle of coins and threw them on the floor while muttering under his breath. I said 'good modelling' (I know I know, i just wanted to make a point and knew ds wouldn't get what I was saying. He then came over to me and hissed 'Dont you tucking speak to me like that'. He then went into the bathroom and loudly banged things around. My ds1 then got up and started fixing my clothes..

I know I haven't covered myself in glory here either but feel I cannot communicate with him. What are your thoughts on this incident, as an outsider?

OP posts:

Original poster

mikado1 · 27/06/2017 12:40

Oh God the typos

OP posts:

Colabottle10 · 27/06/2017 12:42

His reaction was wrong, you nit-picked in front of your child. There is obviously a bigger issue going on.

jimijack · 27/06/2017 12:43

Sounds to me like you have a lot of problems, more complex than described here.
Sounds like this is a tiny part of a huge problem tub.

BatFacedGirl · 27/06/2017 12:44

I'd have left it at the first comment. I assume this was in front of your son? I wouldn't have left it because I'm bowing down to my husband but because I wouldn't want my son to hear arguing etc

And then out of your son's earshot I'd have given him what for I suppose. I take it this isn't an isolated incident though?

jimijack · 27/06/2017 12:44

Tbh not tub!

BatFacedGirl · 27/06/2017 12:45

I'd be considering my future with a man like this though

TheNaze73 · 27/06/2017 12:49

Pulling him up in front of your child was ridiculous as was his reaction to it.

TheStoic · 27/06/2017 12:55

Well no, you can't communicate with him, if that's your idea of communication.

Original poster

mikado1 · 27/06/2017 12:56

I completely see my comments didn't help. Should I leave ds think the 'bloody hell, sigh' is an ok response to me though? I think with first comment i waa hoping to get him to see, on the spot, that his reaction was problematic. Ds having some problems taking rebukes/negative attention and this doesn't help.
Agreed, it's more complex but I just wanted to get a barometer on how normal/ok this is as when you're inside you sometimes can't see.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/06/2017 12:56

I don't know what preceded DS stropping in the first place but DH entirely missed the learning opportunity with DS. Fair enough imo you made a discreet comment to which he overreacted.

Your two responses to DH's admittedly sulky behaviour, "Good reaction....good modelling" didn't help. Save it for later next time!
Knowing there was already tension you could have kept it for afterwards.

The appropriate reactions lesson was lost, DS saw his parents snipe at each other and Daddy stomped off crossly - hope DS realises that his abrupt exit wasn't aimed at him.

Original poster

mikado1 · 27/06/2017 12:58

No TheStoic, it's not my idea of communication at all. I almost feel physically unable to attempt a proper conversation though as over years I've learned it's usually one sided and now I find myself behaving like this

OP posts:

Itsmytemporaryname · 27/06/2017 13:03

How would you feel if he made those comments to you?

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/06/2017 13:07

I wouldn't try and assess this as an isolated incident, I'd try and look it as part of the bigger picture. For instance, do you often talk to each other like that? Have you started treating your DH like another child? Trying to teach him how to bring up his child?
I'm not saying you have, but me and DH had that problem when the DC were younger and I see it a lot in friends marriages too.

Original poster

mikado1 · 27/06/2017 13:10

I wouldn't like it but I think if I overreacted, as in first incidence (I rarely if ever would be so irritable tbh), I hope I would see the point, I stand by thinking that was out of order. I know Id find the 'good modelling' enraging and upsetting. I can honestly say I wouldn't throw things round tho.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 27/06/2017 13:13

that you very much have gotten into a passive aggression/aggression cycle of communicating with each other

But in order to change you both need to see your part in the cycle and both want to change

Original poster

mikado1 · 27/06/2017 13:13

Coffee I probably do point out the importance of our behaviour in terms of teaching the children but only because he gets annoyed with ds' reactions and doesn't seem to realise he does the same!! I agree it's not ideal. I read more on it all whereas he tends to be more 'be cross and raise your voice' to get them to do as you ask type parent which is ineffective here anyway. He doesn't this all the time admittedly.

OP posts:

Original poster

mikado1 · 27/06/2017 13:15

I agree quartz 're PA/A. I was always v upfront with communication but just find it really difficult in the last few years.

OP posts:

barrygetamoveonplease · 27/06/2017 13:17

He shouldn't have intervened but you were pretty cunty all round. What made the five-year-old angry? Was it something you did?

Quartz2208 · 27/06/2017 13:18

Yep and overtime presumably its become both of your default moves. It can be fixed but only if he accepts his side as well!

Original poster

mikado1 · 27/06/2017 13:19

Oh it was something minor like me telling him he couldn't have my phone.

OP posts:

RedPeppers · 27/06/2017 13:27

WHY are you finding it more difficult to have straight conversation in the mast few years?
WHY is it that you are mentioning conversations are usually one sided?

I think this is where your issue is.
You've pulled up your DH over something he did that wasn't helpful and he made a point of actually doing EXACTELY what you had told your ds not to do.
He deliberately acted like A CHILD. (And got the answer you give to A CHILD)

Maybe not the best way to interact but I'm getting the feeling that if you had made a comment in a very adult way, the reaction would still have been the same. Is that right?

RedPeppers · 27/06/2017 13:30

Fwiw I've told DH numerous times that he can't expect the dcs to do xxx if he is doing the same himself.
And I have pulled him up on it.

As ar as I'm concerned, tough. If it's good enough and necessary enough for his dcs, then it's also good enough and necessary for him (I have the same rule for myself btw)

ThatsNotMyMarmot · 27/06/2017 13:34

I think your other half is an arse.

Hissy · 27/06/2017 13:41

sounds like something my abusive ex would have done....

except he would never have picked anything up and straightened it in the first place I suppose...

he would if it were to undermine me with ds tho, possibly that.

you gave him the opportunity to back you up by whispering that ds was to put right what he did wrong. Aged 5 DS is plenty old enough to know that this was wrong and you did the right thing in my view

Your DH throwing things is unacceptable and tbh, i agree that he acted like a child and you treated him like one.

You have bigger issues than runners and stuff, you need a conversation about how you interact and addressing that

was he like this before you had your DS?

Bluntness100 · 27/06/2017 13:42

I think you're both being arses. Are you looking for a who is worse thing to justify you being pissed at him?

Firstly you know him, so you knew how he would react and were on the wind up.
Secondly, yes he responded angrily to your wind up. As you knew he would.
Thirdly, why is your kid physically angry when he doesn't get your phone or whatever?

There is no he's worse than You are, you both need to behave better. He shouldn't get angry and you should have let him fix the runner then later spoke to him, nicely, about your approach to discipline.

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