Alone time

[notsolaughingcow]

How much time is enough alone time when you are living with someone and you have a child?
My DP goes to the gym twice a week, he gets to lie in bed alone every morning for an hour, after work he has two hours of alone time whilst I feed DC and put him to bed and then when the weekend comes he has two hour long baths before then going off to the "shop" for 2-3 hours (Saturday and Sunday except Sunday the was just gone an hour).

I don't begrudge people needing time to themselves but I don't get any unless our DC is asleep and he is not in but then I have jobs around the house. What is the norm in a relationship with regard to time alone? He seems to want more and gets angry and frustrated if I raise my concerns about him missing at the weekend while I look after our child.

Any thoughts on what the "norm" should be if there is a norm?

That doesn't sound right at all. When you write the "shop", do you mean he's gone to the supermarket? Why doesn't he do the jobs around the house? He needs to shape up and pull his weight.

Woah, I'd go mad! I think you're being massively tolerant of an extremely unequal division of labour. When's your 'alone time'? And when do you get any couple time?

Yeah he goes to the supermarket for something we haven't got in, I usually do the shopping before the weekend so it's just something he fancies (certain brand of coffee this weekend) from the shop. He said he went for a walk and a drive after calling at the supermarket this weekend.

Thank you, I suspected as much that he wasn't pulling his weight because I end up feeling angry and upset. I feel alone as I am already a sahm. If I am in a partnership I expect someone else to help!

He thinks because he works Mon-Fri that his work is done when he gets home. He complains he is too tired and his body hurts etc to do anything.

He considers our alone time is when DC is in bed and he watches TV or plays video games whilst I sit in the same room. We never go out alone together.

Thank you both for your replies

I've told him I don't like him going out alone driving for hours and asked to come along but he makes me feel bad saying he needs alone time and he feels trapped. He needs his "alone time."

Agree with PP, this is not right. You sacrifice some alone time when in a relationship, not all but it's about give and take.

Take the initiative and at the weekend before he gets the chance you "pop off to the shop" and leave him with DC until you get back.
Go for coffee and cake and a bit of you time or get your nails done and then come back 3hrs later and when he gets angry/upset/questions you (and I can only guess he will) just tell him how you got what you needed then went to XYZ coffee shop as you've not had it since DC was born and you feel trapped being stuck at home all the time with DC, doing all the bedtimes, early mornings and everything in between and need "your" alone time from time to time and you thought this was completely obvious as he does it 4-5 times a week without as much as discussing it with you.

Does he ever have DC on his own or spend quality time with them?

My DP can't wait to have some time with DS when he comes home from work and usually ends up doing the whole bedtime routine.

1. Everyone needs alone time - including you.
2. This should be shared equally - preferably properly timetabled.
3. Chores should be split equally - preferably clearly set out and to what standard.
4. You both need couple time - again timetabled.

Sounds hugely disproportionate. I take it his Mum used to let him loaf around as a kid/young adult! Was he like this pre-DC or were chores shared more equally then?

Snoopy's suggestion is pretty sound - don't warn him, just get yourself ready this Saturday morning and pop out for a few hours whilst leaving DC in his care. He'll cope and you'll get some time to breathe whilst making the point.

Never mind alone time. You're doing all the childcare and housework, aren't you?!

Why do women put up with this shit?!

Your DP has got it made. Gym twice a week, no getting up first thing with dc, 2 hours chilling time when he gets home, 2 hour long baths, trips to the shops to pick up something he fancies, stress free walks. The man has got it made.

All he needs now is someone to cook his dinner, wash and iron his clothes, pick up after him and clean the house. Not to mention sort out the dc so he doesn't get disturbed. Oh wait...

In all seriousness notso, you have a really big problem in your hands.

Tbh I would LTB, he'd get plenty of alone time then wouldn't he?! Fucker

Haha I love that idea Snoopy! That sounds brilliant. I will try and pull something like that off this weekend

Unfortunately he rarely if ever looks after our DC (under 2 years old) alone. His input this weekend was taking us to pick a toy up from a shop earlier Sat a.m and playing with him for about 15 mins on Sunday afternoon.

After I put DC to bed on Sunday I came downstairs to find him talking to someone online while playing video games, meanwhile there was washing up (from the meal I had bought, shopped for and made), tidying the DCs toys away, washing needing bringing in and his work lunch to be made for the next day. I was very annoyed! It feels a bit like a hotel. I was muttering to myself that this is is bullsh*t and then wonder if I am being unreasonable. I just know I feel tired and upset.

He sounds awful. What's the point in him, honestly?

I think we share the same husband! 😶

Seriously OP, why do you do it all? Why do you put up with it? Who taught you that you have to be his martyr and slave?

Changed - TBH chores weren't equal before DC but now we have a child it's much more noticeable and I was led to believe he would be contributing in at least helping with childcare, not dodging spending time with us on a weekend.

When you put it like that Finola it sounds frighteningly bad and I've only just noticed! You're absolutely right. Thank you.

Anotheremma -
I've put up with this so far because I love him and was under the illusion it was reciprocated, we have a child and it's kinda become the norm. I always think back to all the good times and seem to forget about the daily rubbish.

I appreciate everyone's input, thank you.

Is he behaving like he loves you, or your child?

Anotheremma - also I put up with the cleaning/chores aspect because I feel it is my duty as he is the breadwinner but with regard to childcare, I think if he does not want to participate, it's his loss. It really is his loss. Our little boy is growing up fast and he is missing out on so much. It's only recently that I've even considered how pants this situation is and that I might have to LTB.

The "breadwinner" argument is nonsense, oh so convenient for people who have 9-5 jobs and get to relax every evening. Looking after a young child is exhausting and relentless and 24/7.

When he is home from work, childcare and housework should be split 50/50 so you both get equal sleep, rest and downtime.

Depressing that we still have to point that out in 2017.

Thestoic - he tells me all the time that he loves me but I'm not sure I see it in his actions. I certainly doubt it.
He looks at our child adoringly, when he does play or cuddle with him, you can see he loves him but it's not consistent attention. He treats him a bit like a toy (I feel weirdly ashamed for typing that) but that's how it seems. You can see the hurt look in his eyes if our child doesn't want to play with him or acknowledge him but other times (Sunday) he looked right through DC to watch TV. It broke my heart seeing the look on DCs face.

That's not normal when you have a child, I hope you both can work it out. I'm still on maternity leave and do all the cooking during the week, but DH does a lot of cooking at weekends. I do pretty much all the cleaning, washing etc. DH enjoys spending time with dd at weekends, either as a family, or sometimes he'll take her out if I fancy some time to myself or am meeting up with friends. He does bath time, feeding, bed time etc when he can. It works well for us.

It doesn't matter that he's the breadwinner. He's still a parent and he still needs to do basic housework and look after his child!

It all sounds very wrong.
So you have given up your earning, your financial independence, your pension to bring up the child you share. And because of that, you feel guilted into doing all the housework, making his packed lunch(!) and having no leisure time at all.
And on top of that, he hasn't married you so you don't have that security.

What exactly are you getting from this at the moment? (apart from your lovely dc, obviously).

Your DP sounds exactly like mine. They must have received the same memo. I'm not sure what to suggest as I feel the same as you. So no your not the only one. Mine always says he will help more but doesn't act on it. Always an excuse.