Alone time

[notsolaughingcow]

How much time is enough alone time when you are living with someone and you have a child?
My DP goes to the gym twice a week, he gets to lie in bed alone every morning for an hour, after work he has two hours of alone time whilst I feed DC and put him to bed and then when the weekend comes he has two hour long baths before then going off to the "shop" for 2-3 hours (Saturday and Sunday except Sunday the was just gone an hour).

I don't begrudge people needing time to themselves but I don't get any unless our DC is asleep and he is not in but then I have jobs around the house. What is the norm in a relationship with regard to time alone? He seems to want more and gets angry and frustrated if I raise my concerns about him missing at the weekend while I look after our child.

Any thoughts on what the "norm" should be if there is a norm?

You would be better off in every way imaginable to sack this big piece of crap off out your life

Op, I can't see any positives about staying with this man.

Anotheremma - thank you, I read the links and did tick a few from the emotional abuse list and was very surprised about financial abuse. I had no idea that all the bills being in my name and me scraping money together to make a meal but him being irresponsible with his was financial abuse, I thought he was just crap with money! Thank you.

Haffiana - I really had no clue about financial abuse, I really didn't but yeah I agree I would be better off both financially and emotionally without him. Thank you.

Pookie - I think you're absolutely right, I am under reacting and I still feel quite numb and not sure what my reality is at the moment. Thank you for your kind words.

Paddle - I will definitely plan, thank you. You're right, I think things are okay until I notice he's not around or until I reach breaking point and then I still question if I am correct or being unreasonable. Even now I wonder if I am exaggerating but I know I'm not, doubt just creeps in.

Thank you for confirming my doubts about him Shay and Sleight.

So apart from rent what does he spend his money on?

You're welcome. I'm glad the links have helped a bit - it might be a bit of a shock but it's so crucial to recognise the abuse because it will help you to understand that you're not going crazy. It's him, not you.

Do you have any family members or friends that you could turn to for real life support?

There is also Women's Aid, they have a 24 hour helpline, they can give you practical advice and emotional support. 0808 2000 247

Ok notsolaughing I won't go into how wrong your situation is, everyone's covered that!
But you asked for thoughts on the "norm".
Our dd wasn't planned and this didn't happen straight away but.....
We both get a few nights out a week at hobbies/gym each.
He baths and puts dd to bed everynight except one, unless he's working away or late.
He takes dd swimming on Sunday mornings for a hour.
House work is split almost 50/50, with me doing a bit more of the general cleaning/tidying. He cooks around 2 nights a week me the rest. I do the washing he does the ironing.
I'm on mat leave he works.
Money wise, I'm not keen on a joint account. So all his wage is paid into the joint account that all bills and petrol,food etc comes out of. My mat pay and child benefit goes in my account, then he splits what's left of his wages into 3, one third for savings (joint account) one third for me and one for him. He just transfers mine in, I don't ask!

For me personally it's his time with dd that's most important. And I won't tolerate him not being involved with her.

Sorry for the delay, I didn't get chance to reply in the evening and when I was awake in the night I felt a bit stunned and very tired so didn't want to risk typing gibberish.

Snoopy - he buys petrol, alcohol, cigs, gym membership, video games, treats and sweets, music, gadgets etc. If I say I'm struggling with a bill he will give me something if he has any money but I hate asking.

AnotherEmma - Thank you I've managed to scare some of my friends away, they've already told me to LTB and so now they've backed away because they think I'm daft for not doing anything yet. However, I might have a couple of family members that may help.
Also thanks for the number, I checked out their website last night when I couldn't sleep and found it very helpful. Thank you again.

Emboo - Thank you for the insight of what the norm is for you. It seems really good! Also a world away from my current situation. I would love for him to be more hands on with DC and to help out, like an actual partnership.

All evening I couldn't stop looking at him, almost as though I was trying to figure him out. It's so funny how easily and quickly a certain situation can become the norm. I struggle to believe what I see, it's quite disconcerting.

It is now notolaughing but it wasn't at first. We didn't live together so the housework etc, I don't know but think he'd always be good with that stuff. But the time doing his activities and not spending time with dd, was a big problem for us, along with other stuff.
For me at first it was a case of, it's your night for bedtime and I'd take myself away, I had to be pushy and he had to know it was this or we split.

I'd encourage you to reach out to those friends who backed off. You might be pleasantly surprised - they might be pleased to hear from you and want to help.

Emboo -that's encouraging to know, thank you. I have asked him (beginning of this year) why he doesn't want to spend time with us but it turned into an argument, he twisted things I said and so very little got resolved. Although he did try to have a bit more input shortly after that but it lasted two weeks. I have also asked him to bath DC on a few occasions when I've had errands to run as otherwise DC would be having a later night but he just refused saying he was too tired. I can count on one hand how many times he has bathed him. I think he thinks it's my responsibility, that after work he is done and it's his downtime to recuperate for going back to work.

AnotherEmma - Thank you I will certainly try to reach out to them

When I was on maternity leave I struggled to reach a comprise in division of labour and free time with my DH. I think in reality he had no idea how hard looking after a baby and the house was. Or how draining.

I've since gone back to work full time and our house work and childcare is divided pretty much 50/50. DH looks after DD two days a week alone and since doing this has a far better understanding of what's involved and the importance of down time and 'alone time'. I would say there's no 'normal' as we all work different patterns and have different commitments but the work and the free time should be divided equally, not one of you working their arse off whilst the other sits on their arse.

To be honest though it seems like this is only part of the problem. You're financial situation is appalling, there is no way you should continue as you are and I'm sure you would be financially better of with out him! It's sickening that he can see you scrimping and selling and using your overdraft (!) whilst he's buying computer games. Selfish bastard behaviour. Also, where the fuck is he going for 3 hours after a 2 hour bath?! You need to snoop.

You deserve so much better than this, as does your DS.

This sounds utterly like my girlfriend's relationship with her ex.

He was also very defensive about helping due to being tired and stressed. The sad fact was that in the end it just wasn't a life he could cope with or take any joy from. He couldn't involve himself in the family life at all. She's actually adamant that leaving him was the best opportunity for him to have a decent relationship with his children - he can Disney Dad it once a fortnight for a couple of nights.

He would also just disappear (and conveniently turn up just after the girl's bedtime with a bottle of wine so they could relax together.)

She did conclude that she couldn't go on like it. At times it was like having a third child so it was more stressful than a help to have him around.

His daughter's are wonderful and the best thing in my life now, but while he is absolutely fine that I'm raising them he still thinks I'll run at some point because he cannot get his head round the idea of taking joy in the life. I fear that your guy, like him, just isn't wired for it. He just about coped with one (but still did FA housework) but checked out from it almost completely when the second arrived.

Oh, he wasn't shagging anyone else though, if that helps! Minor gambling problem, but no affairs.

OP I feel so bad for you and am furious on your behalf. Please speak to Women's Aid who will help you to see that he is abusive. You don't need to be beaten up to be abused. I went to Women's Aid who helped me to recognise how bad things were and helped me leave.

The joy I felt being away from him and the fun I had with my w small babies was a revelation. Sure there will be tough times ahead but you would be free from someone who treats you so badly.

You sound lovely and deserve better. Only you can change this situation and you are more capable than you think. Lots of MNs have left and our lives got better

Another idea of what norm is:

• unplanned DC btw

He works FT I do PT evenings I have DC through the day and cook the meals during the week as he's at work. We swap when I go to work and he has DC from about 5pm onwards, does bath time, bedtime (reading lots of books etc) everyday through the week. He usually has to catch up on work from home after DC is asleep too so i will often find him working when I get home around 10pm or later everyday.
I take care of most of the cleaning/laundry and grocery shopping etc as it makes more sense but he will help/do what I ask him to do. We pick up each other's slack
e.g. Yesterday I was a bit run off my feet and left a huge pile of washing up from cooking and mine and DCs dishes from the whole day. I came home a bit tired/grouchy or hormonal as I'm pg he finished his work, got up did the dishes, wiped all the worktops and made himself lunch for work the next day.

He usually cooks dinners and sorts/plans our lunches during the weekends when we are all together and we usually take them to catch up on house work/gardening or whatever we have to do and if I need some time he will look after DC and vice versa. We also make sure to go out and do things as a family on a Sat/Sun e.g. Park or playcentre

If my DP was anything like yours I would LTB in a flash it sounds like it would be easier to be a single parent than have to look after an adult DC on top.

With regards to spending time with your ds, does he have any hobbies/interests that you could encourage. My boyfriend plays guitar and I'd get him to play to dd, it's part of their bedtime routine now, she loves it and watching him makes me fall a little bit more in love with him. He also does the swimming, which was a way to get him to fully take responsibility without me there, because it's a set day/time it seemed to work it being his thing and became routine.

Also does he have friends who have children? We're only young and my boyfriend only had one friend with dc, who at the time we didn't see much. I encouraged us to meet up as families and then for him to meet his friend at the park or soft play kind of thing.

You sound like a lovely person OP. You deserve to be happy and safe.

Thank you Bearberry, I appreciate your thoughts. It helps to have a measuring stick as to what the norm is for others so I can compare how things could be, financially, partner wise and parenting.

Newlevels - Thank you, that's a great perspective. I had considered that perhaps he isn't wired up towards family life or perhaps he wasn't ready. I wondered if he was too set in his old ways and not really adapted and he hasn't had to change because I've just taken the reigns.
It does help to know your DPs ex wasn't shagging about because I do fear mine might be but he has always needed alone time and I don't have any evidence, it just sounds dodgy and makes me feel very anxious, especially when he is vague. I'm glad to hear your DP and DSDs have found someone who appreciates them

Emerald - Thank you and thank you for sharing your experience too. I did consider calling WA today but still mulling it over. I keep playing it down in my head but I will call them when I get my head around things a bit better. Thank you also for your kind words. I don't feel very nice at the moment so it's much appreciated.

Snoopy - your norm sounds like a great partnership. I often wonder if it would be easier alone, one less to look after and not feeling constantly crap and so that may affect my parenting (although I try my best not to let it affect it). Thank you

Embo - Thank you for the suggestions his hobbies and interests are mainly gym orientated (or on the Xbox) and I know when our DC is older he is hoping to involve him somehow, even if it's running together eventually. I've tried involving him teaching DC to play football and catch but he chooses not to join in. On a positive note he has been playing toys with him today
He currently doesn't have any friends anymore so no one he can join up with, with DC.

Sleight - Thank you, your kind words mean a lot

His behaviour sounds seriously crap, tbh. I really wouldn't rely on him spending more time with your dc in the future; he obviously isn't prepared to put any real effort into the relationship.

Don't keep on making excuses for him; he is an adult and a parent, he needs to massively get his finger out.

Also, why doesn't he have any friends? (Apologies if you've already explained this). Everything about him and his behaviour is sounding dodgier and dodgier!

Thanks Naice He used to have friends but stopped bothering with a lot of them before he met me, saying they kept letting him down and were flakey, I think they were also into a different scene to him. He has a few associates now but I've only seen them from a afar and he barely bothers with them either.

That's a bad sign, op.