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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Alone time

71 replies

notsolaughingcow · 27/06/2017 11:21

How much time is enough alone time when you are living with someone and you have a child?
My DP goes to the gym twice a week, he gets to lie in bed alone every morning for an hour, after work he has two hours of alone time whilst I feed DC and put him to bed and then when the weekend comes he has two hour long baths before then going off to the "shop" for 2-3 hours (Saturday and Sunday except Sunday the was just gone an hour).

I don't begrudge people needing time to themselves but I don't get any unless our DC is asleep and he is not in but then I have jobs around the house. What is the norm in a relationship with regard to time alone? He seems to want more and gets angry and frustrated if I raise my concerns about him missing at the weekend while I look after our child.

Any thoughts on what the "norm" should be if there is a norm?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2017 14:01

Did he want to be a father? Because it doesn't sound like it. What did he think it was going to be like, did you discuss how your house was going to run when you became parents?

InDubiousBattle · 27/06/2017 14:22

I'm a SAHM with an almost 2 year old and a 3.5 year old. I get relatively little alone time and I do miss it. I do however go out regularly in the evenings (which dp doesn't)and it's more of an opportunity thing than a relationship issue for us- we always seem to be busy at weekends and tend to do things as a family. When we're both at home child care is 50/50 and dp really doesn't get lots of alone time either, he has a nice commute and lunch hours at work but he isn't off to the gym every night. I do the overwhelming majority of the housework though.

Original poster

notsolaughingcow · 27/06/2017 14:26

Thank you Bee and Caffeine, it's good to have confirmation that I need some assistance.

Iamthinking - I don't know what I am getting from it anymore. He keeps saying we'll get married, yet we're not even engaged. We don't go out together (he said we'd go out 3 times but then he couldn't be bothered), he doesn't help, or want to spend time with me. I don't know.

Sidesplitting- I'm sorry you're in the same boat as me. It's difficult because I want things to work but feel I am the only one contributing. Also thank you, it's reassuring I'm not alone although I am sorry it's happening to you too.

Pinky - Yes we planned to have our DC. I wonder if he didn't realise the enormity of how that would change life and us. He planned to be very involved but I think he felt rejected when DC was a baby because he just cried for me all the time. He did try in the beginning and then just retreated and expected me to take all the responsibility.Now he seems to just go about his life separately to us, like a bachelor boy.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 27/06/2017 14:35

Woah, woah, woah....
You make his lunch for work? On top of everything you do, you make him a pack lunch!!! Did I read that right?

Why on earth should he ever change? He really has landed on his feet.

PsychedelicSheep · 27/06/2017 14:35

He goes out every Sunday for 2-3 hours 'for a walk and a drive?!' I'm sorry but that sounds dodgy as fuck.

Original poster

notsolaughingcow · 27/06/2017 14:36

Indubious - thank you. I know what you mean about opportunity, I would like to go out on an evening to an exercise class or something but by the time I've sat down, I'm exhausted or the classes run before DC is in bed. I don't make plans to see friends anymore because when I have in the past he gets a bit grumpy and off. I don't think he likes my friends much, he hasn't said that, it's just a feeling.
I'm glad your DP is helping out 50/50 when he's not working and it's good to know that it is possible. I would love for DP, DC and I to spend time together at the weekends, it was what i'd imagined life would be like yet I am very much alone with our DC.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 27/06/2017 14:38

"I don't make plans to see friends anymore because when I have in the past he gets a bit grumpy and off. I don't think he likes my friends much, he hasn't said that, it's just a feeling."

Red flag!

He likes his slave to stay at home in her prison!!

Original poster

notsolaughingcow · 27/06/2017 14:39

Psychedelic - he goes for a drive most Saturdays and Sundays in an afternoon. This Saturday was 2-3 hours, this Sunday was for 1 hour. Sadly, I too think it sounds dodgy. Especially as he bathes for 2 hours prior to his drive.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 27/06/2017 14:42

Your self esteem must be rock bottom for you to do everything for a man who even you admit is so obviously and shamelessly cheating.

P1nkP0ppy · 27/06/2017 14:49

It's beyond 'dodgy' op, I'm prepared to bet he's got a bit on the side and he's taking the piss big time.
You need to do some snooping me thinks.

Giraffey1 · 27/06/2017 14:50

I'm not a parent but I alwasy thought parenting was something to be shared 50-50? It doesn't sound like you OH is doing even 5%. He is just doing the (little) he wants, when he wants and resents any suggestion he might want to get off his backside and pull his weight!

He sounds massively entitled.

snoopypoodle · 27/06/2017 14:55

he bathes for 2 hours prior to his drive
WTF so you're saying on his off day when he has a chance to spend the day with his DC and OH he sits in the bath for 2 hours then disappears "shopping and driving" for another 3 hours??? That's 5 hours he can spend with the both of you but he fucks off and comes and goes like King of the castle?

"I don't make plans to see friends anymore because when I have in the past he gets a bit grumpy and off. I don't think he likes my friends much, he hasn't said that, it's just a feeling."
And do you do that to him? Do you get to be 'off' with him when he sees his friends/goes to the gym/fucks off for hours at a time?

Do you get anything out of this relationship apart from being a maid, cleaner and nanny to the resident dickwad who is carrying on his life like he's a singleton?

Do you have access to shared finances or do you get an "allowance"?

Original poster

notsolaughingcow · 27/06/2017 14:56

Anotheremma -you're right my self esteem is shot to sh*t. We nearly broke up a few months ago when I asked him if he was cheating. He vehemently denied it, said how much he loves me etc etc and didn't go out for a drive again until this weekend just gone. Said he wouldn't go out for drives at all when we were nearly breaking up but he has brooded and wangled his way back into going for the drives again by being upset and saying he needs time to himself.

P1nk - I've snooped a tiny bit but not found anything dodgy yet. I kind of daren't snoop much because I feel bad doing it and like I am betraying him. I sound so soft! Haha.

Giraffey - yeah I agree. The word entitled has often jumped into my mind too.

OP posts:

Original poster

notsolaughingcow · 27/06/2017 15:07

Snoopy - yeah 5 hours plus the couple of hours lie in whilst I am sorting out DC in a morning before he gets up. It's most of DCs waking hours when I think about it.
He doesn't have any friends anymore (at least that I am aware of) but if he had I wouldn't begrudge him and I don't complain when he goes to the gym.

I haven't mentioned how annoyed I am about this weekend because he says he is unhappy with work etc so I feel guilty if I try and stop him. I also know he will paddy about it.

We don't have shared finances, he just gives me money to pay the rent and I pay for everything else (council tax, water, tv, gas, electricity, food, car insurance and nappies etc), yet he constantly complains he is providing for the family. He says if I struggle with money to ask for some but I am too proud and stubborn to ask for anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

notsolaughingcow · 27/06/2017 15:15

Reading this back to myself I sound very stupid but when I see him I feel like I've imagined the grievances or that I am overreacting, that this is normal and I am betraying him for thinking this way. When I am home alone with DC all that goes around my head is how wrong things are in the relationship. It's like cognitive dissonance or something. I have a vision of him and who I think he is and then this stuff happens and I don't recognise that it's not normal. I have a vision of what I think things are and what they actually are (if that makes sense?).

OP posts:

Shayelle · 27/06/2017 15:44

You are being mugged RIGHT off...

Iamthinking · 27/06/2017 16:10

It does make sense, I get what you are saying. I think you are in a phase of waiting for the penny to drop, for the scales to truly fall from your eyes.

How do you afford all the bills and food? Are you working part time?

beekeeper17 · 27/06/2017 16:20

I hadn't even thought about the possibility of him cheating, but the more I read the more it would make sense. If it was me I'd try to do some snooping, is there any way you can find out where he's going? Even if he's not cheating, he's not committed to the relationship, emotionally, practically or financially. You and your child deserve so much better, and he'd need to make some serious changes if you're going to give him a chance to make it work.

HappenstanceMarmite · 27/06/2017 16:24

I'd give him more "alone time" than he could handle. By telling him to sling his hook. What is in it for you?!

Original poster

notsolaughingcow · 27/06/2017 16:48

Shay - it's certainly looking that way.

Iamthinking - Thank you. It's confusing and feels quite rubbish because I don't know what is okay anymore.

I really struggle with the money. I get his WTC into my account and a few other benefits but I am heavily into my overdraft and am pretty creative with cooking and selling my things.

Beekeeper - I agree I need to snoop more and I will but it feels wrong and that's why I've not done the greatest amount. I do have a way to track where he goes but again I've stopped because I felt so terrible for heading down that route. What if he found out and I was wrong? That's the other sort of worry I have when I back out of snooping. I want to make things work if I can.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 27/06/2017 17:13

"We don't have shared finances, he just gives me money to pay the rent and I pay for everything else (council tax, water, tv, gas, electricity, food, car insurance and nappies etc), yet he constantly complains he is providing for the family. He says if I struggle with money to ask for some but I am too proud and stubborn to ask for anything."

What the fuck?! He's the "breadwinner" and you're the SAHM and he's not even paying all the bills?! You're paying them with Child Benefit, Child Tax Credits and your overdraft?!!

Sorry OP but you are being well and truly fucked. Financially as well as everything else.

Is he emotionally abusive, is that why you feel you can't challenge him? You've alluded to him behaving badly if you do...

Haffiana · 27/06/2017 17:32

You don't need to know that he is cheating. You already know he is being financially abusive - you will be better off if you leave him, do you realise that? - and that he has checked out of your relationship and out of parenting. He is absolutely taking the piss out of you.

It doesn't matter if he is also cheating, unless for some reason feel that you need that as an excuse as well?

PookieDo · 27/06/2017 17:33

In all honesty this is not ok. You are under reacting. This is pretty awful. You need to really see this for what it truely is and address it for yourself and your DC. Good luck

paddlenorapaddle · 27/06/2017 17:46

Good grief you are the proverbial frog boiling in water and you have no legal protection or rights at all

Best advice I can give you is to sit down and look at the finances first rationally gather information if you need to and then start with the division of labour write it all down every thing

Then you can see with your own eyes what is happening to you unfortunately you've been controlled and conditioned to think that this is really something don't waste your life waiting on forever this man has got it made why would he change anything

NameChange30 · 27/06/2017 17:52

Please read this, OP:
signs of emotional abuse
Does he do (m)any things on the list?