Remind me why it's a bad idea to contact OW

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Have been getting the urge more and more lately, especially as he's never admitted to DTD with OW. Just need to be reminded why it's a bad idea.

Is he still in your life?

What would be the point ?

You are still with him.

If you want out, it's ok. Contacting ow won't help you with that.

Nothing she tells you will help and you'll never know how much of it is a lie.

yes he is but i am playing the long game here due to circumstances.

AF - only point really is to get closure on that particular topic i suppose. to be able to say, you're still a big fat liar. and also now wondering more due to some health issues that have come up.

Would you really feel you could believe whatever she said anyway?

She might say they didn't when they did, out of loyalty to him, or to avoid confrontation.
Or she might say they did when they didn't, out of spite, because she's jealous and wants to clause trouble.
Either way, its not going to make you very happy talking to her I suspect.

Health issues ?

Like intimate health issues ?

Make your unfaithful husband get tested, love

If you think it will make you feel better do it.

You won't get the truth so there is no point really.
You can safely bet that he has slept with her though, after all that's where most affairs lead once the cheaters have met up.

Do you think he and OW haven't already got a story straight between them?

If she says "no we never ever dtd" can you believe her?

Did he and you never get STD tested?

I did just to tell her what I thought of her.. it doesn't make you feel better. A year on I rarely think of her.. I have accepted what happened but I'll never forgot what my husband put me through.. it's him who has lied and betrayed me.. he's the skum bag...

All very good points. Thanks.

I know rationally speaking that his story doesn't and never has added up. Having said that, it's hard not knowing what the truth is.

Fully std checked, me twice. But just got my first ever abnormal Pap test, already had follow up with more abnormal cells, will now need removal. Don't think there's a test for hpv in general as it apparently lies dormant for the most part but the timing makes me wonder.

I found it really helpful to write her a letter. I never sent it, but I felt better putting all of my feelings in to writing.

You don't want to contact her and to allow her to hurt you with new information. Try your best to move on, as horrible and difficult as it is.

If all else fails www.sendshit.co.uk

Omg ladyp not seen that website before! I think I'd be broke if I sent one to everyone who has wronged me.

Hey expat I did.

It did not help, unsurprisingly she turned out to be a massive c*nt. After she tried to say nothing happened and I was a hysterical bitch, I sent everything to her DH.

He didn't ever contact me. It's not worth it. It gets you nowhere.

Do you think she didn't know about you? I bet she did. That's the level of person you are looking for answers from. They don't give a shit.

I'm sorry if what's he done may have left you in a physical mess too. Nobody deserves that

Because it tells her that she's won.

I think as you've made the decision to stay, it's not that helpful to contact her.

If his story doesn't add up, then there's a reason.. Because it's a lie.

If she says they DTD, would you leave him? If not, don't bother.

If you want the truth, tell him his story makes no sense and you staying is dependent on him passing a polygraph that he pays for. Failure or a refusal, means it's over.

The point is really, would him having has sex with her make a difference in your decision.

If they had the desire and opportunity.... Ask yourself why they wouldn't do it.

sandy - decision isn't to stay, it's to hold and cohabit until I'm in a better position to go. I don't really consider us together except in the eyes of those I haven't confided in. Doesn't mean I don't still have nagging questions. And yes you're right, even tho I know there are giant holes in his story, I'm probably one of those people who just likes to have all the facts regardless of whether I really need them or if it won't make a difference in my decision.

Did she know about you? I had a phonecall from the wife of someone I was about to start dating, I had literally just found out that he was married from a colleague. I had an honest, un malicious chat with the wife, I even sent her a couple of texts so she could catch him out (he'd told her I was stalking him and he'd not done anything). I then left them to it.

I can't believe that send shit site! I need to start doing that. I've got loads of animals, I just need a few takeaway containers and bobs your uncle!

Hugs x

honey - definitely. She was sent the birth announcement for our DS less than a year before she started meeting him on holidays. The way he tells it, these were all just friendly platonic getaways tacked on to work trips (that he failed to ever mention to me). But really, who thinks its normal or OK to go on a platonic two week trip with a married work colleague having never met the wife?

Just to be clear, d day was a fairly long time ago and I did invest a lot of time and effort to see if we could get through and make things work (didn't want to look back and regret not giving him a chance etc, all that rubbish). That is over, and now I'm in a holding pattern for other reasons.

I'd do it because otherwise I'd always wonder what evidence /closure I may have missed out on. You never know, she might actually tell you something you don't know. If she doesn't, you're no worse off.
I agree, the not knowing is so hard.

I contacted mine, he had two of them on the go. One told me I shouldn't have been a wet fish! I told her I didn't want to cause her any harm or trouble I just wanted the truth and the truth was they had shagged. He said she was a means to an end, nice. She calmed down and we spoke for ages. She sent me an email that he had sent her afterwards threatening her with all sorts because she had told me the truth.

The other came over, we got pissed and she stayed the night.

It's tricky, because to get anything from her I actually think you have more chance by being friendly with the communication which is impossible considering she knew about you. Maybe possible if she genuinely didn't know.

is she married? Do they work together? She probably won't admit anything for those reasons, she wouldn't want to put anything in writing for it to be used against her.

If you do do it, do it when you are sober, and commit to staying sober that night. Try and keep calm. If you go crazy on her you will end up feeling worse (although you shouldn't).

I see. Those nagging questions never go away, but sometimes you just have to accept you'll never know the whole truth. Or even half of the truth.

The mantra is to deny unless faced with irrefutable evidence.

Unless the OW was deceived by the MM, they tend to be loyal and the advice given to them by other OWs, is "ask your husband".

They aren't woman enough to face the wife.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with infidelity with a young child. It's such a horrible thing and one wonders why the hell he and others risk it all for a piece of extra sex.

Very sad indeed.