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Original poster

Remind me why it's a bad idea to contact OW

57 replies

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 20/06/2017 19:44

Have been getting the urge more and more lately, especially as he's never admitted to DTD with OW. Just need to be reminded why it's a bad idea.

OP posts:
babycow38 · 21/06/2017 01:02

I agree with staying sober, I phoned my DH shag after a bottle of wine and after getting everything of my chest and telling her the sheer pain, uprooting for my kids, and devastating effects their shit decisions caused, I got the response..... well I'm bipolar, I have a crap partner myself, it was all about her and no empathy whatsoever.I did feel better however as I know now she is nothing to bothered about, just another drama queen who loves getting involved with men who have partners, my DH described her as a cheap shag,. just an ego boost! Yes he is my DH for now but another savvy survivor getting her ducks in, listen always to AnyFucker, she helped me when I was a pathetic wimp, I am a fucking machevellian now😁 thank you AF x

babycow38 · 21/06/2017 01:24

And also , now I know what utter shits some men are after being caught cheating I can say contacting the OW will not lead to any truth, my OH saw it as a thrill, something he could and would get away with,the poor!!! OW was thinking he was her Knight in shining armour. My advice is concentrate on you, she and him can go fuck off , look after you and your kids x

SandcastlesInWinter · 21/06/2017 01:51

As someone who did contact the OW, my main argument for "don't do it" is that you might not like what you find. In my case, talking to her brought to light a lot of incidents I was unaware of, and the mere fact that she knew so much about me (ex apparently loved chatting about me) made me feel so awful about the whole relationship. Before I met her I had some positive memories. Afterwards, all I can think about is what she and ex had to say about these memories.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 21/06/2017 07:36

Sadly I don't drink. Otherwise could drown my sorrows.

I'm so angry right now. I don't have anyone here that I can use for support when I go in to the hospital, and have been told it'll be under general which means I definitely need someone. I don't even have that many details yet from dr about procedure or even my test results (not life threatening i.e. Not cancer). But it's all about him. he wants to know everything. he is upset that I don't want to talk to him about it. he is really worried.

Hasn't once considered the fact he put me at risk in the first place and now this shit might make me a teensy bit angry.

I'm not above saying that if OW confirmed DTD, I'd use that against him right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 21/06/2017 07:46

sandcastles - I'm sure he already told her plenty. He tried to use the, "but she was just a friend, and I was talking to her to get advice on our marriage" bs.

And yes, the memories do get spoiled. The first couple years of DS life was a lie - I think that's what gets me worst. Father's Day just passed and i have to gear myself up just to buy a card for DS to give him. Can't touch the ones that say best dad ever. It's gut wrenching every time.

theres a miniscule chance he didn't lie and that OW really didn't have a clue about his thoughts toward her, that she really did think he was a safe travel companion. But let's face it, she'd have to be really thick or really socially inept for that to be true. and yes it nags at me that I want to know if she's innocent in this or if basically everyone's reaction is correct. Neither therapist we've seen has been able to say with a straight face that his story is very plausible even.

Sorry I'm rambling - middle of night here and I'm just seething inside.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 21/06/2017 07:47

If he and OW met on trips, they have shagged for sure, so he lied about that. Best just assume that: you don't need Ow to confirm it.

Your health issue could be entirely coincidental. Your H can still provide practical support for your procedure, eg lift home, looking after DC, even though you (understandably) don't want to remain in the relationship.

SandyY2K · 21/06/2017 08:54

I'm sorry to you are ill at the moment. I understand you don't want to share any of that with him, as he feels like an unsafe partner.

I do wonder when people spin you a yarn and expect you to believe it as truth... Do they think your naive or just crazy in love.

Would he believe nothing happened if reverse was the case?

The problem is whilst he denies there was an affair, he's not going to be remorseful, so it's hard to build things back up from there.

Adora10 · 21/06/2017 10:41

What amazes me is women believing their partners when they say she was a cheap shag, an easy lay, offered it on a plate, in essence what they are really saying is that they are bastards and should the opportunity arise again.........they'd take it. They have no value for their partner or marriage and yeah the OW probably the same, why waste your time on people this nasty, best revenge is to leave them in the hole they belong in.

redexpat · 21/06/2017 12:36

The thing is, she has no obligation to you. She didnt cheat on you. He did.

SandyY2K · 21/06/2017 14:19

The thing is, she has no obligation to you.

Asides from human decency and not treating others in a way you wouldn't want to be treated.

Saying she had no obligation is simply a cop out in my view.

These same OW, soon get upset when revenge is unleashed on them.

It takes two to tango. The OW assisted the infidelity. The only women who owe nothing are paid sex workers.

They have settled to using their bodies for money and no, they aren't all trafficked or pimped out.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 21/06/2017 15:11

I've know a few OW in my time. I have never known one be ashamed or have any empathy for the wife or kids. If anything I have known them to full of glee that the wife knows and it might mean that he leaves. I've known an OW that wished a miscarriages on wife, OW who have parked outside the family home for hours on end to spy on the family, OW who have phoned the wife themselves to tell her everything. They didn't give a shit and could not be shamed, the wanted the bloke and wife and kids were just in the way. Personally I don't think I would want to add to my pain by tackling someone who was liable to be vicious and hurtful and not one bit apologetic.

InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 21/06/2017 16:00

Just need to be reminded why it's a bad idea.

OK, it's a bad idea because:

The OW is not any sort of person for you to have any sort of relationship with.

By contacting her, you will give her power by the knowledge that you care enough about her. Do not give her this power

By contacting her, you make yourself vulnerable to being characterised as "bunny boiler" etc etc by your lowlife cheating husband.

Maintain your power. Don't give either of the the privilege of knowing you, or your feelings. They don't deserve to know anything about you.

InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 21/06/2017 16:03

Because it tells her that she's won.

This.

IdlePhilosophy · 21/06/2017 16:26

It's a bad idea

because you won't achieve anything - if she denies all, you still won't know if she's telling the truth or not - she has a motive to lie; if she confesses all gives lurid details, you still won't know if she's embellishing to hurt you - she has a motive to lie like that too.

because it puts you in a weak position and gives her the power.

because she may fear you are going to stalk her and make a complaint to the police and ask them to give you a harassment warning (which shows up on CRB checks).

because (and this is the most important) she almost certainly won't give a shit - she may very well laugh at you for calling her, belittle you and make you feel even more rubbish.

because there is no point.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 21/06/2017 20:59

wow, completely unbelievable what came out of his mouth this morning. i'm now supposed to swallow the idea that he's never dtd with anyone except me. ShockShockShock.

what can you even say to that?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/06/2017 21:04

Don't say anything

File it away under your extensive collection of complete bullshit records

jeaux90 · 21/06/2017 21:50

Sometimes you just don't get the answers. But you know what the solution is. I know you are biding time, waiting for the right moment to call it a day.

If this really is true then start working on you, start focusing on things you are in control of that will help you longer term

Listening to him or trying to get the truth from him or her is not going to help your future.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 22/06/2017 15:35

yes, you are all right - i need to focus on myself and DS. i've been trying but habits are definitely hard to break.

i need to remind myself daily that he is a compulsive liar who won't change. possibly a narcissist.

did anyone see this article? Empaths and Narcissists. that's pretty much how i feel now.

OP posts:
nigelsbigface · 22/06/2017 16:17

I probably would contact the woman because I am also someone that needs to know everything, even if what I find out is worse than what I thought.
There are still things I would like to know about my stbexh's affair with my then best friend.Mostly related to the times I was unwittingly in the middle of it.These things keep me awake at night a year and half later-I endlessly replay conversations to see if I should have known, and to try and work out just what was real and what wasn't. If either of them would have the decency to tell me I could probably rest-i certainly couldn't feel worse.
I'm getting better at working through all this with the help of a ton of counselling-but I just have the sort of brain that needs to know the facts, bad or good and it's hard to turn that off.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 22/06/2017 17:21

nigelsbigface - i think i'm a need to know all the facts type of person too. but in this case, i'll never get the answers i need for true closure, so i need to find a way to come to terms with it. i'm sure time and distance will help.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 22/06/2017 17:49

So you are his first sexual experience? Is they what he's saying?

If you were his first, then he has to stick to you being his only one because anything else confirms infidelity.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 22/06/2017 18:30

sandy - yes that's what he's saying, because he wanted to prove that he cannot be responsible for my current health situation.

i don't believe a single word of it. it's completely ridiculous.

and, say it were true, what then? that just means he's been a compulsive liar since the moment i met him, and that he's lied about the nature of his relationships with previous girlfriends/women etc, and about himself. it actually reduces my opinion of him, whether true or not.

OP posts:
nigelsbigface · 23/06/2017 08:50

Eh? So he'd previously said he'd slept with the people before you, now he's claiming he was a virgin when you met?
So he's either been lying throughout your marriage or is now?
Either way it seems to suffer the wouldn't know the truth if it but him in the arse...
It must be exhausting op...I'm sorry he can't just be more honest.

nigelsbigface · 23/06/2017 08:51

*suggest he not suffer the

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 23/06/2017 16:01

nigelsbigface - yep, that's about it in a nutshell. this morning he tried to double down, and said "but i'm telling you now about all the lies i told you before" Hmm

i'm really angry. before he made that statement on wednesday, i would have said there was still a miniscule chance he could buck up and we could work things out. now, obviously no way are there any more chances for a compulsive liar.

OP posts: