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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU - not engaged yet

73 replies

bubs12 · 29/05/2017 21:46

AIBU but I've been with my partner for just over 5 years now, have a beautiful 8mo ds - but he still hasn't proposed!

He told me about 18 months into our relationship that he was going to ask me 'soon' clearly never happened! His mother even said to me two years ago he was going to ask me on holiday but didn't want to take a ring away. I know it's selfish but I'm getting so fed up and upset waiting. It really bugs me that I don't have the same surname as my ds and regret not giving him my name too. Sometimes I feel as though he's just stringing me along because it's an easy option.

I know I shouldn't compare myself but a couple of my friends have been with their partners half the time we have and they're coming up to 1st & 2nd wedding anniversaries.

OP posts:
givemethecake · 29/05/2017 21:51

Have you recently spoke to him about this? Maybe he's changed his mind about things and didn't want you to take it the wrong way if he said something.

He might just be waiting for the perfect moment. He's obviously been with you for a while which means something. If you love each other marriage shouldn't really matter, you will stay together either way, but I understand why you're annoyed about not having the same last name as Ds.

MumsKnitter · 29/05/2017 21:53

It does matter. I'm not surprised you're upset. I would be too.

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 29/05/2017 21:54

have you talked to him about it? What is stopping you from asking him yourself. It sounds like you are past the down on one knee Romantic Proposal thing.

GnomeDePlume · 29/05/2017 21:55

Why cant you ask him?

This is an important joint decision. Why does it have to wait for him to pick the time when you both make that decision?

This is your life not a Mills & Boon novel. You already have a family so the time for you to swoon into his arms after the perfect proposal has passed.

It's a simple question 'So DP, when are we getting married?'

Shoxfordian · 29/05/2017 21:58

Yeah you need to address this with him

Why don't you ask him to marry you?

CowParsleyNettle · 29/05/2017 21:58

Have you discussed it with him?

My DH was planning to propose about 9 months before he did, he got as far as the jewellers, panicked and ended up buying me a rather fancy watch instead. The weekend he proposed I'd actually given up hope of him asking as, rather than asking over dinner, he asked me the next morning, on our own, in the hotel room. No ring, no down on one knee, he just asked in an odd round about way.

Once engaged though I did tell him that we were booking the wedding ASAP, he'd lost all chance of a long engagement by taking so long too propose! We were married 6 months later :D

GnomeDePlume · 29/05/2017 22:02

I asked BF (now DH) while we were washing up. Last year we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

Original poster
bubs12 · 29/05/2017 22:04

I think I'm avoiding talking to him about because I've had the conversation so many times before, he just says he has no money or will do it when I'm not expecting it. I've picked a lovely ring to and is only 850. I know it's not about the cost but he decided to buy a dog last year for the same price which really pee'd me off.

I suggested getting married around 2020 shown him venues and suggested we go look with my parents and maybe provisionally book somewhere. He hasn't shown much interest at all so I haven't mentioned it now for a few months.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 29/05/2017 22:05

Ask him

2014newme · 29/05/2017 22:07

Being engaged gives you no legal or financial protection whatsoever. Forget that and either get married or see a solicitor Re wills etc.

Parker231 · 29/05/2017 22:10

Rather than wait for him, and it sounds like he isn't going to, you could propose to him. Alternatively remain as you are but with the will in place to protect you.

Gingerbreadmam · 29/05/2017 22:11

i sympathise op im in exactly the same position.

I know people say ask and i could but my dp wouldnt like that one bit and tbh i think the answer would be no i want to propose to you then more stringing along.

I have no advice really a lot of people say give an ultimatum but - i wouldn't want him to push him into something he's not ready for because he is afraid of the alternative.

fwiw we have been together over 5 years and been through some terrible times. Our son was stillborn, i put him in dp's name. Seeing that headstone week in and week out kills me. I wasn't in a good frame of mind at the time but know going forward i wouldn't make that mistake again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2017 22:13

Did you never further ask about him some vague remark re "soon" 18 months into this relationship?. Despite all this, some years later you went onto have a child by him. Are you deep down afraid of his reactions?.

I doubt very much he is going to marry you now after 5 years because he is happy with the way things are. I think he has could well have strung you along and if you want marriage ultimately it will not be to him.

What is your wider situation also re the finances and property; I sincerely hope that any property is not solely in his name.

GnomeDePlume · 29/05/2017 22:14

What matters to you? The wedding or the marriage?

You can get married at your local registry office for less than £100. Suggest that to him. If he wont do that then I am afraid you have your answer.

If he mumbles something about wanting to do it 'properly' then tell him that this is 'properly' everything else is just pixie dust.

Original poster
bubs12 · 29/05/2017 22:20

I had mentioned just doing a small quick wedding but he started saying he wanted all his family there etc. I'm not bothered about having a big wedding I just want to be married. Thankfully at the minute we are just renting a house from my parents with a view to buying, which I am slightly reluctant too at the minute due to the circumstances. Like gingerbreadmam, my partner would hate for me to ask him.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 29/05/2017 22:21

Why would he hate you to ask him?

givemethecake · 29/05/2017 22:25

I think if you asked him and he came up with some excuse about it not being the 'proper way' or brushing it off with something else, you have your answer about what he wants.

He seems happy with the way things are at the moment, you have a baby, somewhere to live. He probably doesn't feel like he needs to be married.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2017 22:25

He does not want to marry you and if you were to marry in future it will not be to this man.

I would not want to buy a property with him either. I would seriously consider your own future within this relationship because the resentment you feel towards him will simply multiply further.

crazykitten20 · 29/05/2017 22:27

Lots of excuses from your man.

If I were you (and if you want to stay with him) I'd get wills and financial/family stuff sorted legally. No excuses from your man. If he won't marry you, then he needs to ensure that you and baby are provided for.

Gingerbreadmam · 29/05/2017 22:27

i think my dp would find it embarassing and like it was the mans job to ask. tbh i don't have a problem with that. i know people have different opinions but i would like to be asked so his stance suits me apart from he hasn't asked yet.

Original poster
bubs12 · 29/05/2017 22:28

I think it's just down to tradition really. However, women asking men has never been an issue for me, but because I'm normally the one to make decisions and 'wear the trousers' as he says I think he would rather do it, if he ever will!

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 29/05/2017 22:32

I've picked a lovely ring to and is only 850.
Mine cost £45
You do sound more interested in the romance and the wedding than the marriage
I would never have had children with a man I wasn't married to because of the legal protection it gives us as a family. You need to talk to him. He doesn't sound particularly bothered TBH.

Piratesandpants · 29/05/2017 22:33

Attila - sums it up perfectly.
So insist on seeing a solicitor to put in place financial protection. I don't know anything about surnames - can you change your son's to yours or make his double barrelled to include yours?

KanielOutis · 29/05/2017 22:36

If he is living with you and has had a baby with you without being married, it isn't tradition that is stopping you from proposing. To be traditional you would be engaged, then married, then live together, then child.

caffeinestream · 29/05/2017 22:37

If he wanted to marry you, he'd have proposed by now.

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