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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU - not engaged yet

73 replies

bubs12 · 29/05/2017 21:46

AIBU but I've been with my partner for just over 5 years now, have a beautiful 8mo ds - but he still hasn't proposed!

He told me about 18 months into our relationship that he was going to ask me 'soon' clearly never happened! His mother even said to me two years ago he was going to ask me on holiday but didn't want to take a ring away. I know it's selfish but I'm getting so fed up and upset waiting. It really bugs me that I don't have the same surname as my ds and regret not giving him my name too. Sometimes I feel as though he's just stringing me along because it's an easy option.

I know I shouldn't compare myself but a couple of my friends have been with their partners half the time we have and they're coming up to 1st & 2nd wedding anniversaries.

OP posts:

2014newme · 30/05/2017 00:49

He's so traditional... But you aren't married or engaged. So traditional is getting you nowhere. He prefers to buy a dog, says it all!
Why he us spending £850 on a dog when you don't have your own home, God only knows. He's not sounding like much of a catch tbh.

Delphi2022 · 30/05/2017 02:08

I agree with what others have said. He's not traditional enough to have married you before having a baby with you though!

Good luck in your decision

Pallisers · 30/05/2017 02:20

How did you decide to have a baby? Did one of you propose it or did you discuss it together.

Having a baby together is way more significant than being married so I can't really understand how you could have a frank conversation about that but not about being married.

I don't know what tradition you are referring to either - 25 years ago DH and I discussed getting married. 60 years ago my parents did the same (I have their letters in which they discussed where they would live, how they would manage etc - all before "the proposal").

I would suspect he doesn't want to get married - not because he doesn't love you but because until he marries he won't feel completely tied down. I would not be happy with that. I wanted a man who thought it was the best thing in the world to be married to me and he was lucky to get me. (I felt the same for what its worth).

kittensinmydinner1 · 30/05/2017 03:06

It never ceases to amaze me that women who want marriage agree to have babies before a wedding. ! For many immature men, they regard marriage as the ultimate statement of being tied down and are reluctant to do it. It will often only become important and at the forefront of their mind if their is a benefit for them. I.e. They want DCs. If you have provided dcs without requiring a marriage - then he has all he needs and marriage is not necessary to him. You've effectively 'given away your bargaining chip' of 'providing family in exchange for marriage ' .

The above only really applies to immature manchildren who regard marriage as somehow more of a commitment than making another human!

You could try appealing to his financial good sense and say you need financial and legal protection for your child in case of death or splitting up. And that he has a choice to go to a solicitor and get some sort of cohabitation agreement that is never going to match up to the protection provided by marriage - for £8/900. Or pop down to the registry office with parents or friends OR complete secret, (you can ask 2 strangers as witnesses) and get all the protection for £85. You can then save up for the big splashy wedding later.. and have vows renewed or a blessing if the party is that important.

If he won't get married for £85 he doesn't want to get married. !

Laineymc7 · 30/05/2017 03:13

I know how you feel. I've been with dp the same length of time and have two kids together. He proposed 6 months ago after I'd given up all hope lol. Don't lose hope you've just got to trust that it will happen. If you are happy and have a child together I'm sure this will happen. My dp was saving for the ring as he wanted me to have a nice one. I didn't care I would have liked to have been engaged years ago with any ring. Good luck I hope it happens soon.

Pallisers · 30/05/2017 03:18

Lainey, how can you make the momentous decision to have 2 children with a man and still leave it up to him whether you marry or not??

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2017 03:50

I can understand why you're upset, and I would be, too. But no good ever comes from issuing an ultimatum about getting married. He either wants to or he doesn't. The fact the he KNOWS you desperately want to be married and still hasn't asked you is very telling. Now you need to decide how you are going to carry on for yourself.

RebeccaCloud9 · 30/05/2017 04:09

In op's situation, proposing to him is pointless - he knows she wants to get married but for whatever reason needs to get to the decision for himself.

Laineymc7 · 30/05/2017 06:16

Pallisers my dp has always said he wanted to get married. He'd joke and tell me to be patient as he wanted to do it properly. I always said I didn't care for an expensive ring etc. We had two kids very close together. He had been saving for the ring and grand proposal during this time. I had no idea. It was light hearted and jokey when I said I'd given up all hope. We are getting married next year. I am not getting married for financial security as I own my own house and have my own pension, money etc. Im getting married because I love him.
Op if you truly believe it won't happen then talk to him about how you feel and how important it is for you. Only you know if he is stringing you along. The £850 dog would piss me off too. Not everyone's relationship follows the traditional pattern.

Loopytiles · 30/05/2017 06:22

Suggest you work (or keep working) FT: your financial position not being married is vulnerable otherwise, unless you're already wealthy.

beekeeper17 · 30/05/2017 07:01

I know you said that you're the one who wears the trousers in the relationship but it actually sounds to me like he has most of the control in the relationship. He wouldn't like it if you proposed so you don't, he doesn't want to get married so you don't, he wanted to buy a dog so bought it even though you weren't too happy about it, he doesn't want to talk about wedding venues etc so you end up not bringing it up.....

It doesn't sound very equal to me. What about what you want? Does that not matter as much as what he wants?

imisschocolate · 30/05/2017 12:27

Why do you need to get engaged?

Why not just start discussing planning a wedding. Suggest a few dates, etc.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/05/2017 12:59

Well I think the first thing I'd do is apply to have your DS's birth certificate amended (you can do this before they are a year old) and have your surname added as another 'middle' name.

Don't tell him. The whole point is that you get across that as you aren't married, he doesn't have the right to stop you doing that.

Then tell him that as it's increasingly looking like you won't be married, you wanted your DS to have your surname in there. Yes, you knew he wouldn't agree, so that's why you didn't discuss it. He's had it all his way so far, and you weren't happy with it.

Oh, and any further children will have your surname, and his surname as the middle name.

He doesn't like it? Then get married.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2017 15:04

I agree with changing the birth certificate, but not as a way to impose an ultimatum to get married. Change the baby's name because that's what you want. You say your partner is "old fashioned" but sorry, I just don't see it. If he were you would have been married ages and ages ago.

JaneEyre70 · 30/05/2017 15:12

I would also add about changing your baby's birth certificate. I would be really upset to not have the same name as my children, and I'm being honest here, after 5 years and a baby, I'd say he's not going to, especially when you've dropped enough hints. Don't make a drama out of it, just go and do it and that way, you and your baby share surnames.

SweetLuck · 30/05/2017 15:16

If he were 'old fashioned' he would have asked you to marry him when you got pregnant.

I would proceed on the assumption that he doesn't want to marry you, and I would definitely change the baby's name.

Phoebefromfriends · 30/05/2017 15:22

OP are you a SAHM? I think it would be wise to carry on working FT. I really don't understand if marriage was so important why you would have a baby first, was the baby planned? I doubt he's going to propose so you need to consider your options. The wedding thing and money is a red herring, you could easily nip down the registry office. He sounds quite immature buying a dog before you've bought a house, it's difficult finding rentals when you have a pet, plus the money is quite extravagant if you are saving for a house not just the initial money but the ongoing cost. Definitely get your DS surname changed.

Original poster

bubs12 · 30/05/2017 15:43

No I've just gone back to work this month working 25hrs per week. We're buying the house we're renting and have the deposit etc sorted from my parents. However, this puts me off getting a mortgage with him because of anything happened i imagine we would split the financial stuff 50/50.

My Ds was not planned but obviously would not change that for the world. When I was pregnant I was adamant he would have my surname too but everyone looked at me as if I had two heads when I mentioned it. I will definitely look into getting my surname added as a middle name. I would just go to a registry office and get married but he won't. I can't win, need to sit down with him and discuss it all but I'm so reluctant incase it doesn't go how I want. He is a great dad and I don't want to be responsible for breaking my family up.

OP posts:

daisychainagain · 30/05/2017 15:46

I feel your pain op. I really do.

BluePeppers · 30/05/2017 15:49

I would have a very serious chat about finances with him if he is so reluctant to get married.
You have a child with him and it is essential that you are protecting yourself (and your dc!). Its not just divorce but what if he gets ill, dies in a car accident etc...

I do hope you are working (not part time) with the same job you did befire having your dc. And that you are the deeds of the hoouse if you own it.
But there is also a need to talk about will and the 'what if'. So for example, if something happens to you (or him) he isnt your next of kind so wouldn't be bale to say anything about your care, should you be involved in an accident etc etc

paintingtheunicorn · 30/05/2017 15:49

I really wish I had given my children my last name instead of DP's!
I was in a similar situation to you but we both put off marriage initially because of moving & buying our house first ..then ..14 years later I've given up on the idea of getting married.
If I had known this might happen I would not have agreed to use his surname for the children.

You should ask your DP if he intends for you to get engaged within the next 6 months, or a year, for example. Tell him that if not then you wish to change your child's surname to yours!

Good luck x

BluePeppers · 30/05/2017 15:52

Xpost.

You are putting yourself in a very dangerous situation where you are not working as much/earning as much. You are not building a pension in the same way than him.
You are talking about buying a house with your parents giving a deposit, just like you were married. But you aren't! So in effect yu are giving him away a chunck of money wo him taking any 'risk' iyswim.

Phoebefromfriends · 30/05/2017 15:55

OP please get some legal advice regarding the house and the deposit from your parents. You need to ensure you are covered if you did split up. Could you afford the mortgage on your own?

I don't understand why you wouldn't just give your DS your surname, double-barrelled, but a middle name seems pointless to me?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2017 15:59

And no he is not a great dad either if he treats you as the mother of his child like this. Women in poor relationships often write that type of guff when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

You are putting yourself in a very precarious position financially as well; one that could really come back to bite you hard bigtime as well.

Was he really the main objector to your son having your surname?.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/05/2017 16:00

Well then there is your bargaining chip...

No way should you go in joint names on the house with the deposit coming from your parents if he isn't willing to commit!

Basically you're giving a foot onto the housing ladder for a bloke who has no financial tie to you and won't commit to you - and possibly a massive chunk of money that would have stayed with you (as inheritance if nothing else) if you split. Bugger that!

Ok, maybe you couldn't get a mortgage alone... but I'd certainly be saying that you are not willing to take the deposit from your parents until after the wedding.

I don't think you can change the surname - maybe you can, look into it - but you can definitely change forenames before a year without doing deed poll (if you wait until a year is up it would have to be deed poll and you would need permission of everyone with parental responsibility).

Add your surname to your DS's name just before the surname and do NOT tell him until you've done it. Then inform him things are going to be changing big time as it does not look like there's going to be a wedding. No house deposit, for a start.

Time for the worm to turn.

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