AIBU - not engaged yet

[bubs12]

AIBU but I've been with my partner for just over 5 years now, have a beautiful 8mo ds - but he still hasn't proposed!

He told me about 18 months into our relationship that he was going to ask me 'soon' clearly never happened! His mother even said to me two years ago he was going to ask me on holiday but didn't want to take a ring away. I know it's selfish but I'm getting so fed up and upset waiting. It really bugs me that I don't have the same surname as my ds and regret not giving him my name too. Sometimes I feel as though he's just stringing me along because it's an easy option.

I know I shouldn't compare myself but a couple of my friends have been with their partners half the time we have and they're coming up to 1st & 2nd wedding anniversaries.

I don't want to be responsible for breaking my family up

If you're not discussing things that are important to you for fear of his reaction then it's not exactly a strong family unit anyway, is it?

You need some proper legal advice to protect the deposit your parents are giving you when you buy the house. Please make sure you do this.

Why do you want to marry him? He sounds like he doesn't listen to you or care about your feelings. I wouldn't want to marry someone like that.

I don't understand all of the long term relationships I hear about where one party desperately wants something (marriage/kids/travel etc) and is just waiting for movement from the other.

Surely before you get 'serious' you talk about all this stuff? If marriage is really important and you really want to marry him then it's time for a frank talk. Be honest - do you want to stay with him if he doesn't want to marry you? It sounds like 'no' so you might as well get it sorted and move forward.

I haven't read the full thread (stupid phone), but just thought I would comment on the OP.

I left a happy relationship mainly because he didn't propose & I felt like that meant I wasn't good enough or he didn't love me enough. I talked about it a lot & then regretted it, as it felt like I was bullying him into it.

Fast forward a few years, & a new relationship. This one proposed, we were engaged, but he turned into a prize dick & I had to cut a travelling trip short & break off the engagement after realizing it wasn't right. (i had a thread on here a month ago about it)

Ive had time to reflect, & realise that being engaged/married isn't the most important thing to me anymore. If I could meet a man half as great as my previous bf then I wouldn't care about the ring/wedding/marriage.

I totally understand where you are coming from, but would hate for you to end a good relationship over this, as I really regret it.

Didn't mean that to be all about me, but your post resonated with me.

Xxx

Really good post fight.

This is exactly what I'm worried about happening Fightorflight! If he had said all a long he didn't want to get married i can't imagine it would have been as much of an issue as I would have gave Ds my surname too, it's just the fact he's promised it will happen and I'm very doubtful. Definitely will not be getting a mortgage sorted now until I have a contract signed by him re the deposit!

Its not just the deposit.

You really need to BOTH look at the legal implications of not being married for both of you. Yu can organise yourself to be as protected than if you were married but you really do need to look at it. For both your sake,

I think thats a good move OP.

My ex said after we split up that he always thought we would get married one day, he just didn't see the point of rushing it (& was put off by cost & being infront of 100's of people when hes a shy person - he obviously didn't believe me when I said I would do it just the 2 of us)!

I feel really sad about my decision, even 3 years later.

I think a legal agreement like Peppers says, could be a good compromise. He should meet you half way on that. I totally get why he doesn't want to get married as well

You also need to sort out will, pensions, savings etc to take account of the fact that you have taken maternity leave and are now working PT.

Dont put yourself and your child at any financial disadvantage for a man who has no commitment to you.

Why on earth would you go to the expense of a 'legal agreement' to protect your deposit. When a marriage costs £85 ?

I would get your parents help in this one and use the house deposit as a very valid reason to force the issue. Get your parents to come and discuss the deposit and tell you both that they are unhappy about giving you this money without the legal protection of marriage. But happy to give as a wedding present .

If he is just 'reluctant' then he will see the sense of protection for you. If not, then he is not interested.

My good friend wanted marriage for 22 yrs and 4 kids. Kept hoping.
He didn't 'believe' in it.
He started as a clerk aged 20 when they moved in together and by time he met his 26 yr old gf he was a 43yr old hedge fund manager earning £££.

He married gf within 12 weeks of meeting as gf insisted.

Friends kids all grown except one. She got to stay in the family home until youngest went to Uni.
Husband and his new wife now jointly own her family home.

She lives in one bedroom flat her family helped buy her. She was entitled only to cm for one child .
Effectively regarded as a housekeeper in eyes of the law. Only not entitled to any redundancy. No pension sharing (her ex has a massive pension)
Please don't do it OP unless you can Up your hours. By making responsible for half the childcare. You NEED to put yourself in EXACTLY the same financial position as him. Do not allow yourself to be financially disadvantaged looking after HIS child.

If you are working 25 hrs a week when ft is 40 then that 15 hr financial hit should not be taken solely by you ! It's his child too.
He needs to reduce his hours by 7.5 OR pay for additional 7.5 hrs to enable you to have same earning/pension potential as him.

OR he could simply marry you for £85. and protect you financially that way !

It sounds to me like he doesn't actually want to marry you.

Given that, then marrying him wouldn't be that appealing.

There is nothing wrong with two people deciding to not get married. For it to be fair then neither should be making personal sacrifices for the family that the other isn't expected to - so eg you are each responsible for half the childcare either paying for nursery or reducing work hours to do it yourself but contributing equally one way or another. The value of reducing your work hours should be reckoned taking your loss of future earning power as well as current loss of income into account. Also contributing equally into two independent pensions so neither of you has a less protected future than the other.

Nothing wrong with doing all this if you are married too of course but a less egalitarian split than this without the protection of marriage is frankly silly.

He is reluctant to marry you because there's nothing really in it for him. Currently he gets to have his cake and eat it. Only you can decide when enough is enough and you either share the cake fairly or walk away.

I agree, you need to to discuss this with him

I had a friend like this. Her dp kept putting it off, coming up with excuses. 20 years and 2 kids later he still hadn't married her. She's now very happily married to someone else. Her ex-p has a new girlfriend - who he still won't marry.

Some men are just deathly afraid of marriage and 'being tied down'. I think you're going to have to stand up for yourself and tell him you'd like to be married. Cheap registry office do, followed by a party to accommodate his family. If he still refuses then you know where you stand. Don't hang around for 20 years.

I had a friend like this. Her dp kept putting it off, coming up with excuses. 20 years and 2 kids later he still hadn't married her. She's now very happily married to someone else. Her ex-p has a new girlfriend - who he still won't marry.

Some men are just deathly afraid of marriage and 'being tied down'. I think you're going to have to stand up for yourself and tell him you'd like to be married. Cheap registry office do, followed by a party to accommodate his family. If he still refuses then you know where you stand. Don't hang around for 20 years.

I have two friends currently in this situation. Partner "doesn't believe in marriage" but they have children together and shared finances. They are both made miserable as they thought marriage was coming down the road and are realizing that it may never happen.

OP I'd tell your partner you will not buy property nor have more children unless you are married. If he still doesn't budge then you know where you stand and you can make an assessment. As it is now you seem to be making choices e.g. buying house, having kids on the belief that you will be married in the future - but he doesn't seem to be acting on that same basis.

So I've sat down and talked about everything with him. He's agreed and can see why I would want a contract sorted for buying the house regarding the deposit.

He had said that he didn't think I was that bothered at the minute about getting engaged/married and had asked if I wanted to go look at engagement rings, clearly past the who romantic proposal scenario now!

I said I didn't want to push him into it but he had said he's been thinking about it a lot. I should have really talked it through with him a while ago instead of letting my feelings fester away. Thanks for everyone's advice!

An engagement ring is virtually meaningless without a date booked for the wedding!

Have you looked into whether marriage would actually strengthen your financial position? (You mention you're investing more in the property - my friend was in a similar position, looked into it all, and decided not to marry and to return to work FT!)

Make sure you have separate financial advice before you buy this house with him so you know what would happen if he died or you split up. I think you'll find you'd be up shit creek without a paddle.

asked if I wanted to go look at engagement rings,

Answer:

No, lets look at setting a date and checking out venues

Engagement means nothing it gives you no protection. He's fobbed you off again!
Nothing has changed!

Please don't just let him but you a ring and think everything is okay. You've been with him long enough. Just set a date (if it's what he really wants) and if he decides to buy you a ring in the meantime then it's a bonus.

I'd be more bothered about it actually happening now, rather than having a diamond on my finger.

The friend who had 4 kids and hedge-fund manager 'd' p bought her an engagement ring after 2nd child because she kept 'nagging' about marriage.

We call it the 'shut up and change the subject' ring.

Don't be fooled. You don't need an engagement ring it means nothing. You need a booked registry office. ! You sound really easily distracted by the 'trappings'.
Don't need a engagement ring. Don't need to have the excuse of saving up for it....for months, years...