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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a crazy idea?

57 replies

Stuck16 · 26/05/2017 21:25

I've posted a couple of times about my exh.
This weeks development is that he has no intention of moving out of the houseshare he lives in at the moment into his own place as that wouldn't leave him with enough money to maintain his new lifestyle- holidays, nights out etc with the OW

This means he will never be able to have the kids overnight ever- it's in his tenancy that no one under 16 can be on the premises.
He's also told me that I don't get to rely on him for anything anymore.

I think his expectation that I just sit here on my own night after night, getting up early with the DC every day, never going anywhere or doing anything is more than unreasonable. So I've been thinking and have come up with the idea that he comes and stays at mine every other weekend and I can stay at his.

That way he gets to be a hands on dad something he keeps saying he wants to be, the kids get more time with him and I get a bit of a break and can do things without needing his help.
We have no family near by- nearest lives over an hour away so whenever I want to go out he's the only person I can ask to babysit.

Is it so crazy to think a house swap might work? I know it's far from ideal but at least it's better than the deal I have now I think

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2017 21:28

Lots of things can work with a reasonable, compassionate and mature person, but your ex doesn't seem to for that mold. At all. I wonder if he lives where he does specifically to avoid being an engaged father.

Ellisandra · 26/05/2017 21:29

Well, he's clearly an arsehole so why do you think he'll agree to it?
And how will you feel when the kids tell you that OW came over and slept in your bed?
You really want him in your home?
I'm really sorry and it's all kinds of shit - but you're not going to be able to force him Angry

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/05/2017 21:29

Well, he the tosser has said you don't get to rely on him anymore, so he's not exactly showing willing is he? Sounds like you could be in for disappointment. Sucks, I know.

TheNaze73 · 26/05/2017 21:30

Is he paying you spousal & child maintenance?

Original poster
Stuck16 · 26/05/2017 21:37

Not spousal but he is paying child maintenance- bare minimum.

I know it's an unrealistic proposal, I'm just desperate for some freedom.
He comes and goes as he pleases, picks and chooses when to see the kids, makes plans when he knows I have plans and then tries to convince me I haven't told him- says if I don't have written proof it doesn't count but also says not to text him as he doesn't read them.
Has openly lied to me about really trivial things and then said he does it to mess with me because it's funny.

He's the only person who can help with the kids I literally have no one else who can.
Do I really have to accept that as well as being left for another woman and my husband having a personality transplant my life now consists of sitting at home alone with no adult contact every single day bar the 3 I'm at work? The thought of that being my life now upsets me more than him leaving me did

OP posts:
WorknameJimEllis · 26/05/2017 21:42

Good god no woman.

If he takes you up on the offer he'll use it as an opportunity to metaphorically piss all over your territory.

QuiteLikely5 · 26/05/2017 21:46

He is quite enjoying the fact that you are isolated.

Can you ask at your children's school or nursery if there are any baby sitters? Because quite frankly the best way to get to him is show him that your life is on the up without him!

Original poster
Stuck16 · 26/05/2017 21:49

I can't afford to pay a babysitter unfortunately if I could I would do it in a heartbeat, anything to not have to ask him for help.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheMombie · 26/05/2017 21:49

stuck Im in a similar situation. ExH hasn't seen our DD since last April though. He's a sofa surfing dickhead who works full time and has managed to dodge paying child support for the last year Angry I would never allow him to have DD alone anyway as he doesn't have a proper roof over his head let alone the stuff a baby/toddler would need. I offered similar to you so that he could bond, she could bond and I could snatch a bit of time to myself knowing she was in my home with all her stuff. But nope he wouldn't. It's his last bit of control over me - ensuring I never have any free time to move on etc. Whilst he has all the time.

Wouldn't swap my life for his tho, his is shit and at his advancing age it's going to get worse. But I do feel very bitter some days that I don't even get 1 hour a week to myself. So I do know how you feel.

Original poster
Stuck16 · 26/05/2017 22:58

His life is pretty good though other than living in a houseshare- he has our car, won't give me my share in it so I can't get my own, he's going on holiday just him and OW- didn't even check the dates were ok with me just booked it without so much as a thought about the kids- our DD gets up at 6am at the latest, he doesn't ever have to get up at that time. There's so much more he can do that I can't.
I didn't have kids to be a single parent and especially not one who's only chance to go anywhere alone is if he decides I can.
I'm so angry with him for swanning off and leaving me to pick up the pieces.
He collects them from nursery and after school club on the days I work and keeps them til I get home- 30 minutes later. That's the only time he spends with them and it's in the car! He says that's enough and I should be grateful!! Grateful!? Like both our kids weren't planned and weren't wanted, I just tricked him into it so they're my responsibility!?

I've told him he needs to do more or I have no choice but to move nearer family- that would be me stopping him from seeing them though according to him.

I just want to be free of him

OP posts:
nachogazpacho · 26/05/2017 23:05

He's not going to help you. It would be better for you and dc to be nearer family for days you need help eg you're ill let alone a night out. Is your family supportive and worth moving near?

Ratatatouille · 26/05/2017 23:07

I'd move to be honest. If you've got a support network elsewhere then that's where you need to be. Sure it would be nice for your DC to have a dad who spends time with them regularly, but even living nearby he can't be arsed to do that so really what's the point? If they can't have a decent dad, they can at least have a mum who has got some support and isn't completely ground down.

Original poster
Stuck16 · 26/05/2017 23:17

I would have to move back to my parents, they live in London and I could never afford my own place there.
They are supportive but quite overbearing- if I could afford my own home there I'd move no questions but it's the fact we'd have to live with them that's making me stop.
Apart from never having a break from mum duty our lives are good here, I'd need to be certain that would be the case if I moved home

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 27/05/2017 00:12

Life will not be like this forever, there will be solutions.Over time you might be able to increase salary and a babysitter will be more affordable.Are you getting the right amount from him? Have you checked if you are claiming everything?

As the children grow up you will have a close relationship with them and money cannot buy that.

Do you rent or own the house? Please don't despair..you are doing the hard work now BUT it always pays off in the end.

Heebejeebees · 27/05/2017 00:18

This isn't life!!!

I'm not getting maintenance though, and I've now resorted to blocking contact as he's been unsafe with kids in his care.

I'm now paying babysitters and considering and au pair for freedom.

It's so tough though as financially it's not practical, but for my mental well being being a single mum and working. I need time out.

Good luck to you. Some men fucking suck.

Heebejeebees · 27/05/2017 00:19

That meant to say ' this is my life'

user1486956786 · 27/05/2017 00:49

Wow. So he can't even have the kids over for dinner at his place?

Perhaps you need to start telling him you are doing X after work and not home until 6.30. He can take kids to park, tea etc.

(Even if just to give you some quiet time at home).

I don't think you will like staying at his as OW will sleep there. I know expensive but can you sometimes stay in hotel for night or at friends and he stay at yours to get morning off?

Maybe he could get air b n b for a weekend a month with kids? Bit out there but another thought

bowtieandheels · 27/05/2017 01:31

He sounds charming...a lot like my ex. How about teaming up with another single mum in your area to do childcare swaps, or have you got room to have a lodger who can do some childcare. I put my 2 in the same bedroom and rented out the third bedroom, it was lovely to have adult company when I was stuck in and also to have someone who could watch the kind if I wanted to go to a gym class in the evenings etc...find a way to free yourself...it's the best revenge!

Changedname3456 · 27/05/2017 06:36

Childcare swaps sound sensible, as does a lodger if you have the room and your situation allows it.

I don't understand people like your ex. Self-centred to the core. As pp have said, he's enjoying the control he still holds over your social life. Are his parents able to influence him? Are they aware of what he's doing (and more importantly not doing to have his dc overnight). Would they be supportive?

Finally, I agree with pp - do NOT do the weekend swap thing with him. He's not going to respect your space.

Original poster
Stuck16 · 27/05/2017 07:10

I rent so unfortunately getting a lodger is not possible.
He's NC with his mum and his dad is useless, he also lives in London. I've spoken to him practically begged him to speak to exh to try and get exh to realise the long term damage he's doing to his relationship with DC and his dad said "he's an adult and has to make his own decisions"

I am claiming everything I can, he's paying what CMS told him to pay.

I've asked him to take the kids out for some food or to the park in the evenings now that it's lighter but he's said no, I'm stopping him from seeing the kids by saying he has to take them out.
Air b n b is a good idea, I will try and suggest that to him.

OW lives 45 minutes away and has 2 kids of her own so he always stays there- her ex has the kids one night every weekend and she has a house rather just his poky room.

How would I go about meeting other mums who might be in a similar situation? I don't go to any toddler groups etc as I'm at work. There doesn't seem to be anything in my area at the weekend

OP posts:
Bananamanfan · 27/05/2017 07:17

Do you own the house or rent? Have you looked into what benefits you might be entitled to? Don't ask him for anything, it sounds like a power trip for him. I am sorry that your exh is such a dick.
It sounds like you need to avoid moving in with your parents too.

Bananamanfan · 27/05/2017 07:17

Sorry x post

HappyJanuary · 27/05/2017 07:22

Well he sounds like an absolute dick but you can't compel him to support you and I personally would not give him the constant satisfaction of asking.

Stop wasting energy being jealous of his carefree lifestyle and resign yourself to doing this on your own. I know it's hard work and unfair too, but in years to come your dc will have a relationship with you and - I suspect - none with him.

How old are dc and how long does he have them on the 3 days he picks them up from
nursery and school until you get home?

Talk to people about the babysitting. Teenage daughters of friends can be cheap. Friends might be interested in a reciprocal arrangement. An elderly neighbour used to babysit for me in return for me mowing their lawn.

It won't always be like this. Children get older and easier. They sleep later, they go to school with cheap wraparound care, they're invited to sleepovers, you'll change jobs and have a shorter commute, or go full time and earn enough to pay a babysitter. But please don't invite him to live in your home, the worst possible solution to get some free time IMO.

MsGameandWatch · 27/05/2017 07:25

This happened to me. My ex drinks and after we split up I couldn't safely leave the kids with him. I had the occasional offer of babysitting from family but my parents made it so difficult with restrictions and dictating times to be back and constant sulky faces etc that I gave up on it and the offers were so rare and far between that I couldn't build any kind of social life anyway. It was hard but I just accepted it in the end and got on with it. My kids and I are very close now and have such a laugh together but I still don't get out much, just got used to it.

HappyJanuary · 27/05/2017 07:27

Sorry x post.

I would ask at the nursery. Tell them your situation and ask if they know of any other mums in a similar boat who might be interested in a reciprocal arrangement.