Is this a crazy idea?

[Stuck16]

I've posted a couple of times about my exh.
This weeks development is that he has no intention of moving out of the houseshare he lives in at the moment into his own place as that wouldn't leave him with enough money to maintain his new lifestyle- holidays, nights out etc with the OW

This means he will never be able to have the kids overnight ever- it's in his tenancy that no one under 16 can be on the premises.
He's also told me that I don't get to rely on him for anything anymore.

I think his expectation that I just sit here on my own night after night, getting up early with the DC every day, never going anywhere or doing anything is more than unreasonable. So I've been thinking and have come up with the idea that he comes and stays at mine every other weekend and I can stay at his.

That way he gets to be a hands on dad something he keeps saying he wants to be, the kids get more time with him and I get a bit of a break and can do things without needing his help.
We have no family near by- nearest lives over an hour away so whenever I want to go out he's the only person I can ask to babysit.

Is it so crazy to think a house swap might work? I know it's far from ideal but at least it's better than the deal I have now I think

Seriously it sounds to me that he has no intention of being a hands on dad so I think your plan wouldn't work, sounds like he just wants to live it up.
But to be honest things could be so much worse, at least you have your kids and nobody is going to take them away from you. I had a 5 year custody battle with my ex and it was absolute hell, at least your kids are yours.
It will get better, they grow up really quick, enjoy them while they are small.
But please don't offer him your home, your home is your sanctuary.

Kids are 9 and 3.
He picks them up around 5:45 and I get home at 6:20
I've asked him repeatedly not to help himself to food etc but every day when I get home he's sat there with a full on spread- I've stopped getting cross over that, just shows how little respect he has for me.

He's turned into the most horrible person, he goads me all the time, says I shouldn't sit at home moping over him (I'm not moping) and that I should get out more but refuses to help.

I'll ask at nursery see if anyone is in a similar boat.
I adore my kids I really do but I'm so tired and honestly more than a bit bored of playing the same games over and over, repeating everything I say tens of times, of there being no one else to help

If this is my life for the next 10 years I think I'll crack up. I know this the deal I've been dealt and I will have to just get on with it but it sucks- especially with him rubbing all his nights out in my face every time I see him.
Why are so many men like this? How can they possibly think it's ok?

Stuck, I feel your pain, really I do.

I've had nearly two years of very similar behaviour; ex has done everything he can to render his living arrangements and lifestyle to be completely uncondusive to any substantial contact with DC.

Initially he had contact with DC at my place and I can tell you now it was horrendous- confusing for the kids, made me feel displaced, and of course there is the huge "you're taking the piss" factor.

If you're renting then get out, find an alternative...

Are you married? What's happening/happened legally in terms of your break up?

I'm also in London, happy to chat.

Hang in there xxxx

Yes, unfortunately I married the twat

Nothing's happened legally as I don't have the money- I'm having one of those 30 minute free sessions next week so maybe some good will come from that.

I can't move, I wouldn't pass the credit check on getting a new place because, and this is a corker, I have an iva
Before I had DD 3 i was the main earner, worked a lot of hours but needs must. During my pregnancy exh developed depression and anxiety and ran up a lot of debt on nothing- I took out a loan and paid off his debts.
Then after DD was born it became
very clear he wasn't well enough to look after the kids alone when I was at work- I worked a lot of weekends. He also accused me of sleeping with all the men there which I put down to his illness now i think he did it just to be a prick. So I changed jobs and switched to part time, took a big pay cut - had worked out all finances and thought we'd be ok, very tight but ok.
That was until he stopped paying his portion of the bills- we didn't have joint accounts. So I had to. I then ended up putting things like nursery fees on credit card because he wouldn't pay anything towards them. Ended up in massive debt very quickly and no way to pay it- at least 2/3 of it was his but we figured wreck one of our credit scores and protect the others so I went into an Iva last year what an idiot I was.

There will be a way out, there will.

Where in London are you?

I'm not in London, my family are.
I'm in the midlands

Ah ok sorry misunderstood.

Can family help financially, to help you get away ?

Have you tried surestart? Or other charities that help with single parents (like Gingerbread? - not sure on that one).

My exW's mum was a single parent and surestart helped her out a lot, supporting her but also providing a framework for a social life.

They would, but for me to move nearer them and to not have to live with them we'd be talking thousands of pounds a year and I don't want to ask for that much help.

Plus my 9 year old is so settled here, he's in a great school, has fab friends, is in a football team. Not sure I want to rip him away from his life when his dad's just upped and left. I think he's had enough upheaval for a while

If I didn't have the kids I'd be long gone

I haven't tried surestart, I'll look into it, thank you

I've told him he needs to do more or I have no choice but to move nearer family- that would be me stopping him from seeing them though according to him.

I'd just go tbh. I did the same but the distance was far smaller. You'll be taking the control away from your ex and may be able to increase your working hours with support from your family. You'll not likely suddenly see a change of heart from your ex.

It's better to do it before your eldest starts secondary school imo.

Right Missus , it's a shit situation, I've been there , I know. Are there friends to can invite to yours for a bit of social time ? Try and find a baby sitting circle where they use a ticket system. You each get say 10 tickets of an hour each and 'pay' with your tickets.

The difficult bit : do not react to your ex , if he lets you and the children down do not react ( might involve a bit of inward screaming and pillow punching ) , do not feed the controlling behaviour . Take control back , you can do it . Make an arrangement with him , send one text to confirm and leave it at that. Do not ask where he is if he doesn't turn up, do not react if he cancells.

It will get easier and the more you take control the better you will feel.

I would take screen shots of all texts between you and print them out, keep a diary of arrangements and let downs. Tell him when he can see the children , try and get set times organised , hide your food !

My ex had ds once every 3 weeks for an overnight stop.Ds was up at 5:45 every day😖.

I'd stop even thinking about relying on him, he's not going to help you.You need to find other people to take up the slack l'm afraid. When l was in your situation, l moved back to my home city, but l see that's not possible for you. Where are his parents? Could they help out?

Friends aren't an option as I don't really have any who live round here and those I do have have got jobs, kids, lives of their own. I could invite them round more often though.

I don't even particularly want to go out, I just want some time on my own, maybe some sleep, a chance to sort through all the paperwork and junk that's built up which I can't do as the 3 year old doesn't leave me alone 😂

He is NC with his mum and his dad lives in London. He's basically done what his dad did, left his biological children after being a piss poor dad to go and play happy families with someone else's kids- I don't get how he can put so much effort into her kids but not his own

I've never heard of a babysitting circle, I'll look into that too.

All attempts to enforce set times have failed, he's always late, I don't react to that or call asking where he is.
He originally agreed to have the kids every Sunday all day - he took them to the park for an hour, once.

I clearly need to expand my social circle so I'm not dependent on him but not sure how to when I can never leave the house alone

I really feel for you Stuck.

On the positive side, you are seeing a solicitor for your free 30 minutes soon so hopefully you will be able to set the ball rolling regarding divorce and to find out if you can do anything about either his contact or his financial contribution. It may also help you to feel you are getting some control back.

I agree with everyone saying you are going to have to stop expecting anything from him and to try and cut off your feelings and sort yourself out. DO NOT do the weekend thing you originally posted about. In fact, why are you letting him into your house at all? To eat your food??? He is just so horrible. I wouldnt' let him have a key. If you always get home at 6.20, let him sort the kids out in whatever way but do not let him into your house. That has to be your sanctuary.

He sounds just unbelievably awful so you will never win.

I think Surestart sounds a a great organisation to contact.

If you work three days, does your 3 year old go to nursery on the other day? Could you get some more free time then?

And I echo everyone else, hang in there, life will evolve and you won't always be exhausted and fed up. Your youngest won't always be 3 and they will spend time elsewhere at some point. I hope you are ablet to take small steps now to make small improvements gradually.

I really wish you well and strength to just keep going.

I have her at home the other 2 days, can't afford to put her in nursery more than I need. I walk the 3 miles to work and the 3 miles home on the days I do work as don't have the money for public transport.

I've told him to not come to the house, to take the kids somewhere for a bit but he says he wouldn't pick them up if that was the case and there's no one else who can do it.
When he first left he was coming round in the morning to take DS to school but he kept showing up too late for me to get to work. Now DS goes to breakfast club because I couldn't keep being late to work but that's an extra £15 a week to pay so it's even more pressure.

I know it will get easier as the kids get older but it just seems so very very far off and I feel like I'm watching my life and my identity slip away

This twunt enjoys every scrap of power he has over you. Do not under any circumstances allow him to use your home at weekends. I attempted this briefly with my exH and stuff went missing and my laptop got mysteriously wiped.

I know you work 3 days but try and make it your mission to seek out playgroups etc where you can meet mums. I have a friend who moved hundreds of miles from home and now has a wide circle of friends through her kids. They all work part time. These mums are an invaluable network that allows her to socialise whilst with her toddlers and also they give each other a few hours respite here and there. Be ruthless about creating social links for you and your children.

There DF is a deadbeat deadloss. You've tried to engage him and he thinks pissing you off is far more important than his own DC. If you start to discount him from decisions about childcare you'll make him wonder what you're up to.

This has happened to several of my friends and it's awful.

You said that he picks up the kids from school three days per week? Why can't these be your days to take 2-3 hours for yourself? Go to the cinema, take yourself out for tea, go for a wander about the shops anything that involves not being mommy. Don't rush home - tell him, (don't ask) that you'll be late home and you'll be home at xxpm. Don't answer your phone and send text to say unless kids are sick he is their dad, he is capable of looking after his own kids. See you at xxxpm? That's what my friends did. Initially it caused arguments but eventually their ex agreed to the mid-week quality time with their kids because they eventually realised this was the only time they spent with their kids.

Your alternative would be to take lots of deep breaths and go back to your parents(assuming they have enough space for you and your kids??). Your kids won't be young forever and you will get support and opportunity for free time. If I was in your shoes I'd go to my parents and escape to my room when I needed some space. At least you'd be able to save and plan for when your kids are older.

Sending a big hug and lots of luck

You need support and if you'd rather not move in with your parents then I agree with the pp who said you need to make it your mission to get out on your two days off and meet people.

It feels like you're alone but you're not. There are loads of single mums out there feeling just like you.

In the meantime, is there anything you can do to stop needing him for childcare? He has them for 35 mins x 3 pw and thinks he's got you over a barrel because of it. Can you start work earlier, work your lunch-hour, appeal to your boss?

If he eats loads while he's there, could you find some cash for the bus and get home sooner?

I'm glad you're seeing a lawyer and I hope they offer you some light at the end of the tunnel.

I work in a small office- only 3 people and the other 2 work Saturdays so on my days in they each get a day off. My manager has said I can't leave early regularly as it would leave someone on their own for an hour.
I'm looking for another job which I'm gutted about because i love the one I have and know I'm very fortunate to have a job I adore and also, in my field, part time no weekends is very hard to come by.

I will see what's on in the area on a Monday/Tuesday to try and meet more people.

He won't keep them any longer than me coming straight home from work, I suppose I could try just telling him that's what's happening and see what he does- has threatened to leave them home alone in the past which I think he would actually do.

If he leaves them home alone call the police. The dirty bastard turd.

However I'd be very loathe to continue allowing him access to your home if you can find a way out. Is there a local McDonald's or something? A local park with a cafe? Somewhere on your way home so you can pick them up in a neutral space? He can then pay for their tea out rather than eating your food (cheeky bastard fucker!). Might encourage him to reconsider his own housing if you make it difficult for him. I appreciate that he will resist doing anything he sees as helpful, though.

Alternatively start stocking his favourite food (something the kids won't touch) and lace it with laxatives

Solidarity with you OP. I'm in a similar situation. Ex isn't a cunt like yours but I can't trust him to have the kids unsupervised as he has MH issues. Mine are 13 and 3 so I know how demanding 3 year olds can be and how difficult it is to do things with children with a bit of an age gap. No particular advice, just watching this thread with interest. My parents live hundreds of miles away and I work full time so am either at work or with the kids. The teenager is being a nightmare as well. My childminder babysits but it's expensive. Last time I went on a date it cost £45 so I don't go out much. Friends are sympathetic but I don't want to impose on them too much. I would channel some energy specifically to defying your ex and his controlling ways. Work around the barriers and restrictions so you don't have to rely on him for anything. If nothing else you will get an enormous sense of satisfaction from it.

He says he pays maintenance so shouldn't have to take them out for food when he's already paid for it.

There is zero reasoning with him. He thinks he's doing more than enough as it is- does not see the damage he's doing to his relationship with the kids at all

Have a look for some local single parent groups. There might be some on MeetUp, join the single parent travel club on Facebook if you can, people on there organise joint holidays and days out.

If you can meet up with other single parents in the area it makes going out and holidays (and often these are just cheap camping weekends) more fun for you and the kids and then gives you a bit of a social life too.

I know this doesn't solve the exH issue but if he sees you having a social life and fun with the kids he might then want to have them more and if not at least you have a social circle.