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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Casual relationship with younger man, not so casual anymore?

72 replies

Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 11:35

After unexpectedly finding myself single at 37 a couple of years ago I wasn't looking for a serious relationship at all. I was very focused just making some new kind of life for myself.

About a year after my split I had bought my own house and was renovating it mostly myself but needed some help. I was recommended an electrician by a friend and he came round in the evenings and at weekends to work on my house. He was and is a very good looking young guyout of my league but I was lonely, horny and not looking for anything serious and once I had ascertained he was single I went for it and flirted with him. Too my surprise he flirted back and before long we were sleeping together regularly.

He is 29 and works a lot of homers so initially it was just the odd evening after he finished a job. Then he started leaving nights out early to come over to mine, then just dropping them altogether to see me instead. Now he's hardly ever at his own flat, he is always here and has cut right back on homers because he has "better things to do now" his words.

I don't really know where we are headed I will be 40 this year he will be 30 next year which I think is a big age gap. The sex is amazing, he treats me so well and I like him a lot, I care for him and if I were closer to his age I think I would be pushing for more but I don't due to the age gap.

What is going on here am I crazy to just keep going like this or should I just enjoy it while it lasts?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 08/05/2017 11:42

Do you want a proper relationship with him?
Also, what is a homer?

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 11:45

Enjoy it while it lasts. He's young and while he may be attracted to you now, in ten years time he'll still be appealing to women in their late twenties/early thirties while you'll be fifty. It would be hard to compete with that tbh.

Has he introduced you to his family and friends? Do you go out in public with each other? The answer to those questions will tell you what his intentions are.

Original poster

Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 11:46

A homer is when a professional like an electrician or plumber does work outwith their normal working hours for extra cash.

In a lot of ways yes but then I kind of already am in a relationship with him, we spend all our free time pretty much together we've just never discussed it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 11:50

I've met his friends and his mum who was a bit funny about my age but still nice.

He doesn't seem to spend much time with his friends at the moment, they all go out clubbing which he used to do but he just skips it now and comes to my house straight after work.

I am worried about the future me being 50 and him 39 if it did continue.

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 08/05/2017 11:51

I'm not convinced you are enjoying it. It sounds like you're in danger of overthinking and possibly if you did start asking for more commitment he might start backing away anyway

I'd just be wary. Is he saving money by staying with you so much? Is it costing you money to have him? Just make sure he doesn't turn into a cocklodger.

Original poster

Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 11:55

He has his own flat but is hardly there. He does pay for stuff here all the time and often buys food and cooks. I don't think he is cock lodging.

I don't think I'd directly ask for more commitment but at this stage if he just were to say oh I've met someone I want to date officially so bye, I'd be hurt and miss him.

OP posts:

lottieandmia · 08/05/2017 11:58

'Enjoy it while it lasts. He's young and while he may be attracted to you now, in ten years time he'll still be appealing to women in their late twenties/early thirties while you'll be fifty. It would be hard to compete with that tbh.'

So much is wrong with this post I don't even know where to begin

MarklahMarklah · 08/05/2017 11:58

Meh, if the ages were the other way round I don't think anyone would be concerned. I've got a friend who has a DH that's 15 years older than her, another in a LTR with a man 18 years her senior, and another happily married to a "toyboy" some 12 years her junior. If it works, go for it!

lottieandmia · 08/05/2017 11:59

He's not actually that much younger than you. 8 years is nothing.

SleepFreeZone · 08/05/2017 11:59

It's so difficult and I do feel for you. These FWB type relationships so often end with people getting hurt. He holds all the power unfortunately so I think you're either going to have to rip the plaster off now before you get in too deep or have an awkward conversation about exclusivity.

Dillyson · 08/05/2017 12:01

I met my DH when I was 35 and he was 25.
This year we're celebrating 20 years together. If you're happy age shouldn't be an issue.

SleepFreeZone · 08/05/2017 12:02

I don't think it's about the age gap as we all know if the woman was 30 and the man 40 no one would bat an eyelid. It's the fact that he is 30, from the sounds of it has no children, and if in a few years time he decides he wants kids then OP is unlikely to be able to have them. So suddenly that becomes a make or break problem that isn't really easy to fix.

Carolinethebrave · 08/05/2017 12:06

My aunt is 51 and her husband is 41, they've been together for 18 years and have 2 children so it can work.

sheepashwap · 08/05/2017 12:07

Check out the age difference of the new French president and his missus if you have and doubts about age.

BadToTheBone · 08/05/2017 12:08

My friend is married to a guy 11 years younger, she's been married 3 times and has 4 kids (2 with this guy), they've been together 13 years and she's 51 later this year. They're suited really well and obviously adore each other. Why not?

MyOpe · 08/05/2017 12:09

8 years is hardly a massive age gap, I'd really put that out of your mind OP. Lots of men age really badly, at 50 you could be gorgeous and he'd be a 42 year old pot-bellied Mr Average. Even if he wasn't you'd still more-or-less be on the same page. 8 years is not the same as 18 years.

I think the issue you have is more around FWB. But as people often say on here if you feel ready to sleep with someone you should ideally be ready to talk about your feelings... but I know hindsight is a great thing. It sounds like a lot is "unsaid", and that includes coming from him. If he's really feeling positive about his relationship with you, why are you getting the heeby-jeebies. Could it be that you're not "feeling" the vibes from him? So agree with Sleepfree about your options now....

lottieandmia · 08/05/2017 12:13

My dd3's dad is 29 and I'm 36. He looks way older than me.

heateallthebuns · 08/05/2017 12:14

Do either of you have kids? That's the only issue I'd see if he wants them and you're too old in a few years.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/05/2017 12:18

Age gap is 11 years I think.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 08/05/2017 12:19

It's so awkward when you start seeing someone casually and it develops into more, yet there's never been a discussion about expectations. Been there. I suppose your options are either keep quiet and enjoy the moment (but have that unsettled feeling of not knowing where you stand), or grit your teeth and ask him what sort of relationship you're in (eg FWB or something more serious and exclusive).

Original poster

Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 12:25

Yes the gap is just under 11 years sorry for my confusing op.

I don't have kids and have never been able to have them so even if I were his age children would still be an issue.

My honest feeling, judging from his actions is that he regards us as a bonifide relationship. I've been badly hurt in the past though out of the blue and I think my past hurt might be colouring how I'm seeing things.

OP posts:

HazelBite · 08/05/2017 12:31

DS1's wife is 48 he is 36 they are very well suited and married in 2011.
They have been approved to adopt, so hopefully will be having a family soon.
OP through caution to the wind and just see how it goes!

NurseButtercup · 08/05/2017 12:37

I've stayed away from younger men and men without kids for the same reasons as you. I can't have kids and haven't got any kids. I was with someone a few years ago and he left me because of the kids issue but he knew about it before we started seeing each other.

You shouldn't live with that fear eating away at you. Speak to him, I'm optimistic that he wants to be with you.

Just out of interest how long have you two been seeing each other?

HappyJanuary · 08/05/2017 12:39

I think you should just discuss this with him.

Can't you approach it as 'it started out as fun but I'm developing feelings and don't want to end up hurt'?

He will either say he feels the same (great) or begin backing off (sad but at least you won't waste more time).

But then I don't understand the new dating rules around exclusivity, talking v dating, fwb and so on so possibly talking crap.

Original poster

Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 12:50

I need to talk to him I guess although as happyjanuary says I don't think I really get how things work now. I was with my last partner since I was 16 and back then you were either going out with someone or not.

We've been seeing each other just under a year.

OP posts:

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