Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Casual relationship with younger man, not so casual anymore?

72 replies

Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 11:35

After unexpectedly finding myself single at 37 a couple of years ago I wasn't looking for a serious relationship at all. I was very focused just making some new kind of life for myself.

About a year after my split I had bought my own house and was renovating it mostly myself but needed some help. I was recommended an electrician by a friend and he came round in the evenings and at weekends to work on my house. He was and is a very good looking young guyout of my league but I was lonely, horny and not looking for anything serious and once I had ascertained he was single I went for it and flirted with him. Too my surprise he flirted back and before long we were sleeping together regularly.

He is 29 and works a lot of homers so initially it was just the odd evening after he finished a job. Then he started leaving nights out early to come over to mine, then just dropping them altogether to see me instead. Now he's hardly ever at his own flat, he is always here and has cut right back on homers because he has "better things to do now" his words.

I don't really know where we are headed I will be 40 this year he will be 30 next year which I think is a big age gap. The sex is amazing, he treats me so well and I like him a lot, I care for him and if I were closer to his age I think I would be pushing for more but I don't due to the age gap.

What is going on here am I crazy to just keep going like this or should I just enjoy it while it lasts?

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 08/05/2017 12:55

He sounds lovely. He prefers to spend time with you above going out with his mates and working extra hours. He contributes. The sex is great. He is good looking.

Have you discussed your future with him? Do you love him?

TreeTop7 · 08/05/2017 12:56

11 years isn't massive especially when the younger party is 29 as opposed to 19. He's not a kid anymore.

The only obvious issue is whether he/you want children and what the timing might be.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2017 13:09

Your age gap means nothing. I'm 12 years older than my husband and it's completely irrelevant.

NurseButtercup · 08/05/2017 13:23

But then I don't understand the new dating rules around exclusivity, talking v dating, fwb and so on so possibly talking crap.

Yup agree with this..

What happened to the simple times of you meet, you like each other so you spend time together and if you start having sex you're in a relationship.

I simply can't do the FWB arrangement but yet that's all that's been offered to me Confused

Back to the point of this thread seeing each other as FWB for almost 1year is a long time (in my opinion). You should definitely pluck up the courage to ask him.

I'm still optimistic

Good luck

Notmyrealname85 · 08/05/2017 13:37

As an early 30s woman.... a lot of men age differently (and women!) so you can't be second guessing that you'll look like some rat at 50 and he a god at late 30s; a lot of the men I work with certainly don't look amazing but that's not why their OHs love them!

Like any relationship you need to chat this over with him. You can say you weren't looking for something serious at all, but now he seems to be with you a lot more than you expected. Say you like it a lot, but that if you were to go for something serious and exclusive it would have to be the whole hog - maybe kids etc - be upfront! If you can't now, when can you? You sound like a successful woman who has the other areas of her life sorted, just say it's almost nothing personal but you either need something casual or something serious and in between is confusing

Just need to see if he's happy keeping it casual or is open to something more serious (and would really commit to that)

TheNaze73 · 08/05/2017 13:42

Just ask him!

SleightOfMind · 08/05/2017 13:56

Another one for ask him!
(Then come back and tell us how it went)

Original poster
Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 14:36

Thank you everyone, mixed replies but mostly positive so I do feel emboldened to speak to him about it but I will pick my moment of course.

Thank you to everyone who replied and offered their insight it has helped me a lot. Better to get it out into the open whatever the outcome.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 08/05/2017 14:50

Do you want a relationship with him?

PastaOfMuppets · 08/05/2017 14:53

Good luck, OP! He sounds lovely, and so do you. Let us know! Smile

CheersMedea · 08/05/2017 15:45

He is 29 and works a lot of homers . . .and has cut right back on homers

Well that's a mistake unless he's now taken up virgils.

Mumtobe12 · 08/05/2017 16:03

Age is just a number 12 years between me and my husband (he is older) don't let that stop you having a relationship

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 08/05/2017 16:07

I met dh when he was 31 and I was 41
We are married with a toddler now!!
Been together 5 years and going strong!!

HappyJanuary · 08/05/2017 16:26

I'm optimistic about this one. Please let us know what happens op!

Springcherryblossom · 08/05/2017 16:30

I wish age wasn't an issue - but for a lot of older women and younger men it can be. You might be the exception but I think it's good to be wary and not get your fingers burnt.

At age 38 I was in a relationship with a 26 year old (he was hot!) - and I did get hurt. It was a LOT for a younger guy to take on - his friends were against it - his family wary. While it was at the fun stage no one minded, but as soon as we fell in love... god it was awful - everyone telling him he was mad, his mother saying he'd give up having a family. And I also worried that at 50 he'd be 38 and I didn't know how much I could keep up 'looking and feeling young' - the pressure.

If it helps at all...
What do his friends think?
Do his family know?
Does he really not want kids?
Is he attracted to attractive people and used to getting women? If so, that could be a pressure later when you have to compete with younger women.
Are you in love in a way that is going towards a really committed stage?

bert3400 · 08/05/2017 16:42

11 years between me & hubby ...i'll be 50 this year he'll be 39 . 19 years together which have been the amazing . Don't over think OP , enjoy it ...hes obviously into you

SandyY2K · 08/05/2017 17:59

I'd bring up a conversation about whether he wants kids and see what he says.

Tingatingatale · 08/05/2017 18:17

I am 40 and my dp has just turned 33. The only one who has had an issue with this is me. We are very well suited, I adore him and I know he adores me. Age doesn't have to be the deciding factor if you are good together

StripeyZazie · 08/05/2017 18:29

Agree with Sandy, the thing here is kids, not age really. Mention you can't have kids. It'll tell you for certain whether it's FWB or serious (by the way, it does sound like he's serious- the no clubbing "Now I've got better things to do" plus meeting his mum isn't sounding much like FWB to me). And if it is serious, as you can't have kids, you should be having that conversation anyway, regardless of age. A year is a long time not to have that discussion.

Teabagtits · 08/05/2017 18:50

My mum and aunt both have partners 11 years their junior and both have been together well over twenty years and are happy. Age is just a number it's what you feel thats important.

lottieandmia · 08/05/2017 19:01

'Is he attracted to attractive people'

Why is this even relevant? It's like you think a woman's value is primarily looks based. Being hot is not all it's cracked up to be - has never done me much good in relationships - I attract loads of wankers.

SleepingTiger · 09/05/2017 03:05

Needs X to sleep. Doors open and it's at least three
It's not his fault he's sleep get a better doc

SleepingTiger · 09/05/2017 05:54

Ugh! Ignore last post. It must have been a sleep-text. I've done it before after waking from a lucid dream. Blush

bilbobaggi · 09/05/2017 06:19

Yeah what teabagtits said, my friends husband is about 15 years her junior (he's even 1 year younger than her oldest child.) they're happy and that's all that matters. Do whatever is right for you two, don't think you have to conform to society's rules.

HarryBlackberry · 09/05/2017 06:31

My partner is 12 years younger than me and we are very happy. I don't think the age gap matters tbh. You need to have a frank conversation with him and ask him where This is going.

Swipe left for the next trending thread