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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Casual relationship with younger man, not so casual anymore?

72 replies

Wintersfox · 08/05/2017 11:35

After unexpectedly finding myself single at 37 a couple of years ago I wasn't looking for a serious relationship at all. I was very focused just making some new kind of life for myself.

About a year after my split I had bought my own house and was renovating it mostly myself but needed some help. I was recommended an electrician by a friend and he came round in the evenings and at weekends to work on my house. He was and is a very good looking young guyout of my league but I was lonely, horny and not looking for anything serious and once I had ascertained he was single I went for it and flirted with him. Too my surprise he flirted back and before long we were sleeping together regularly.

He is 29 and works a lot of homers so initially it was just the odd evening after he finished a job. Then he started leaving nights out early to come over to mine, then just dropping them altogether to see me instead. Now he's hardly ever at his own flat, he is always here and has cut right back on homers because he has "better things to do now" his words.

I don't really know where we are headed I will be 40 this year he will be 30 next year which I think is a big age gap. The sex is amazing, he treats me so well and I like him a lot, I care for him and if I were closer to his age I think I would be pushing for more but I don't due to the age gap.

What is going on here am I crazy to just keep going like this or should I just enjoy it while it lasts?

OP posts:

miaows · 09/05/2017 06:38

Have the discussion. Over two years ago I met my partner I am 42 he is 30. It started off casual and developed into a great relationship. He helped me through a nasty divorce. He is adamant he doesn't want kids and for now I have to believe him. Even now I find it hard to plan a future together but I try because he does. Who knows if it will work out but for now we are both happy. It's grand saying live for the moment but you don't want to go to far down the line if he wants kids etc - you will get hurt. You have nothing to lose - ask a few questions you might be pleasantly surprised.

daydreamnation · 09/05/2017 06:53

I guess it depends if you're interested in a relationship with him? If you are, then I can't see a problem!
I'm a little speechless actually, my dh is 12 years younger than me and I'd hate to think that people would view me as unattractive to him as we get older! (we're 45 & 33) He's of the opinion that generally men age much more rapidly than woman once they hit a certain age and when I look at my peers I can see this.

Dozer · 09/05/2017 06:59

Does he know you can't have DC?

Flightywoman · 09/05/2017 07:02

Do you actually go out and do fun things together? Do you share things you both love? Do you feel able to do your own thing and see your friends?

Those are the clinchers for me. Age gap is pretty meaningless these days, you won't be presented with slacks on your 40th!

But a relationship is more than good sex, it's about sharing time, some interests, jokes, care, thoughtfulness, and , of course, love...

I think I'd have to bite the bullet and ask him what was going on - to know, to set my expectation, to be able to relax, to think about love.

Original poster

Wintersfox · 09/05/2017 11:37

Hello everyone, thank you so much for all your thoughts and encouragement. I hadn't intended to but spoke to him last night and it went really well.

He says he is in love with me but has been worried about scaring me off. It's early days of course but we had a very open talk which is such a relief to know he feels the same and has had the same hopes as me.

To those who asked if he knew about my inability to have children, yes I told him this quite early on. He says he is okay not to have children and all I can do is trust him on that.

Thank you again for all your support!

OP posts:

MyheartbelongstoG · 09/05/2017 12:08

Don't let age put you off if everything else is good.

NurseButtercup · 09/05/2017 12:25

wintersfox

anonymice · 09/05/2017 12:28

:) how nice !!!! Good job you spoke to him!

MommaGee · 09/05/2017 12:42

Yay!!!!!!!! Wedding Hats all round xx

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 09/05/2017 12:43

Ooooooh this is lovely!!!

lottieandmia · 09/05/2017 12:44

Yay! So pleased for you OP.

abyssiniam8 · 09/05/2017 12:44

I do understand your apprehension OP, but I know quite a few people with the dh being younger by about 11-12 years. There is no issue at all.

But, just to make you feel better.... I have a new friend, he really is just a friend but we have hit it off like a house on fire, he is such good fun to be around and we have done a lot of things together the last few months, just had a good time. But he has passed a few comments in which I take it as a hint that we wouldn't mind taking the friendship up a notch. Thing is, I am 47... he is 29..

abyssiniam8 · 09/05/2017 12:45

Ooh I don't know why I didn't see the updated posts until now.

Good outcome OP

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 09/05/2017 12:46

Ah lovely

Dodie66 · 09/05/2017 12:49

My son is 42 and his wife is 60. They are soul mates and happy together. Go for it

BellMcEnd · 09/05/2017 12:51

. Lovely!

Original poster

Wintersfox · 09/05/2017 13:41

Thank you, your all so lovely! I really am grateful to you all for your posts it did give me the push I needed and I'm so happy right now and feel almost a little silly that I let preconcived ideas cloud my judgement on this bit it just goes to show how powerful such things can be but I am happy now to do my bit in tearing them down!

OP posts:

UpYerGansey · 09/05/2017 15:43

Hi winters I was in the same boat one year ago. Even bigger gap - almost 14 years. We are very happy together and get on so well. It's more complicated as I have (older) children, and, he hasn't told his ultra-conservative parents anything about me.
Tbh, I don't want to meet them. They sound terrifying.....
I have met some of his friends. We do stuff together, holidays etc and spend most of our free time together.
I'm so glad I found the guts to tell him I liked him, and we love each other now. Good luck to you and your guy!

heron98 · 09/05/2017 15:49

I started a casual relationship with a younger man (I was 30, he 20). 6 years later we are still going strong . It wasn't what I expected at the beginning but now I've even forgotten there is an age gap.

mayhew · 14/05/2017 10:46

My best friends partner is 23 years younger than her. She tried to end it when he was 30 "for his own good". They're still together nearly 10 years on.

TheWeatherGirl1 · 14/05/2017 11:09

My husband is 7 years younger than me, I'm 42. Doesn't bother me, doesn't bother him.
You're obviously into each other, so
do what makes you happy. Life is short.

Moanyoldcow · 14/05/2017 11:09

I'm new to this thread but I'm so happy to see such a lovely outcome after all the horror on other posts - all the cheating and abuse can leave one feeling really down.

Congratulations OP! Have a lovely future.

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