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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating someone poor?

58 replies

megan77889900 · 06/05/2017 03:54

I have been dating my OH for about a year. Things were going great, when we started dating we both had jobs. His job was a part time job, even though he is in his late 20's and nothing was stopping him to have a full time job. He was't earning much, still living at home. I have motivated him to quit that job and look for a full time job. It didn't bother me too much money wise as I really liked him for him. He is not educated so can't get a professional good paying job. He has found a few job, none which were paying good but something always went wrong or he quit. He has now been unemployed for 4 months. He doesn't seem to be bothered to look for a job, he's living at home not doing anything day in and out. He doesn't even have any hobbies. I try to motivate him to go to the gym, to go look for a job, hand out CV's, apply online. I am trying to be supportive. He said he is scared I will leave his because he has no job. I am seriously thinking about it as I do not appreciate his lazy behaviour. We do not go out as he will not let me pay under any cost but doesn't have any money himself. I'm starting to think this whole time I was blind to what sort of character he is. The relationship is going down the drain...

OP posts:

MrEBear · 06/05/2017 04:03

Why did he quit his part time job before he had something full time to go too?

Sounds like you have different work ethos and therefore you are always going to feel your working to support him. I'd think you need to review your future.

Glastokitty · 06/05/2017 04:17

He sounds like a lazy bugger. I'd dump him, life is to short to spend it with a lazy arse freeloader. Apart from anything else he sounds like a proper bore, no hobbies, no work ethic, still lives at home! What on earth do you see in him?

CelestialFox · 06/05/2017 04:37

It's not up to you to constantly motivate and try to encourage someone who isn't receptive to your efforts and would rather you sit in bored to save face than go out and have some fun!

Cut ties with this deadweight op, and start concentrating your efforts on yourself instead. It gets a lot harder to be rid once kids/living together come into the mix, and it doesn't sound like you'd want to go down that route with him as it is.

sheepashwap · 06/05/2017 07:48

If he doesn't want to work or can't keep a job that's not your lookout.

Not wanting to be with someone lazy/unmotivated is fine. He doesn't have to change for you and you don't have any right to expect him to. You also don't have to stay with him if you don't like how he is. You need to live your life and not manage his. Not accusing or blaming you, just stating facts.

And late 20s living at home to save for something is one thing. Not working and freeloading is quite another. Not something many people would find attractive I think.

juneau · 06/05/2017 07:52

He doesn't sound like the man for you OP. Some people are happy with someone who totally lacks ambition and drive and is happy to sit around doing nothing, but if you aren't happy then break up with him. I couldn't bear someone like that.

hangingkebab · 06/05/2017 07:55

Someone being 'poor' wouldn't put me off.
Someone being lazy and unmotivated would (and has).

LedaP · 06/05/2017 07:55

Its not about him being poor. Its about his work ethic.

If he is worried you will leave him because he doesnt have a job, surely that would motivate him to actually get one?

TheFifthKey · 06/05/2017 07:58

He's not worried, he's saying he is so that if you do leave him, you're the bad guy for being "hung up on money" or some such bullshit. I don't care how much someone makes but I need to feel on an equal footing to someone so I couldn't be with someone unemployed and making no attempts to get a job.

SoulAccount · 06/05/2017 08:26

So things were 'going great' when he had his steady part time job.

You 'motivated' him to leave this job and apply for others and he now has NO job,

He is not the right partner for you, nor you him.

TroysMammy · 06/05/2017 08:28

I got married when I had just turned 22 and my H, now ex, was nearly 21. I had been working full time since I was 18. When we met, he was 18 and not working. He had left his job because it was summer and working prevented him from going cycling. Throughout our marriage he was in and out of jobs, always someone else's fault he left. However he always managed to afford expensive bicycles. It wasn't that he was a competitive cyclist either. He was unemployed when we got married and his occupation on the certificate said Professional Cyclist instead of unemployed!

Then he discovered motorbikes. Worked a few months, got a bike, bank loan, then left work and then sold the bike. Then repeat. He never contributed to the household money wise, never did housework unless told what to do when in effect he was a house husband. Luckily we didn't have children. I didn't want any either but if we did he wouldn't look after them because he wouldn't have been able to go out on his bike when he fancied.

After 13 years of marriage and me still working full time, I couldn't carry on and we divorced. He had the life of Riley because I allowed it.

He is 48 now and still in and out of jobs and still cycles.

I implore you OP don't be a mug like me. Unless he can demonstrate he wants to and can hold down a decent job I'd leave well alone.

Since divorce I'm much better off financially even though I now work part time.

NancyWake · 06/05/2017 08:33

Work shy is what it's called.

You can't be his mother and why would you want to be. You're not happy with a man who spends his life lolling, why would you stay in this?

All the energy you're putting into him could be spent on your own life.

User99573864 · 06/05/2017 08:36

Can you imagine living with, being married to and having children with this man? It sounds soul destroying.

Ellisandra · 06/05/2017 09:30

It's not about being poor, it's about being lazy. I earn 4x my fiancé - he works just as hard as me.

debbs77 · 06/05/2017 09:51

I ended things with someone similar. Lived with parents (which is fine for a temporary time after a break up but he was 5 years along, had his own room, daughter had her own room, no intention of leaving. Rubbish job, no self motivation, because he didn't need to earn more! Was relying on inheritance in a few years to buy a house.

I've already had one man move in and stop working, leaving me to pay for everything. I didn't need another

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 06/05/2017 09:57

It's not about the salary, it's about a work ethic and not being lazy. I wouldn't choose a partner who didn't work or did the odd few hours. Likewise, my DH has always loved my drive and commitment to work and wouldn't want a lazy non working partner either.

TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 10:03

Is LTB - being lazy and childish is very unattractive - Is have no issues with being skint for genuine reasons but dossing about when you are in your late 20's is awful.

MyOpe · 06/05/2017 13:26

I try to motivate him to go to the gym, to go look for a job, hand out CV's, apply online. I am trying to be supportive.

Why are you doing this for him OP? Its a common thing though isn't it for women and I've done it myself. What is he doing to help and encourage you. Nothing I bet. If I were you I'd put the wasted energy you are putting into this man into your own life. You deserve it.

ImperialBlether · 06/05/2017 13:29

Why on earth bother with this?

And why did you tell him to leave his job to look for a full time job? He should have stayed with the p/t job until he found something f/t.

0dfod · 06/05/2017 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heirhelp · 06/05/2017 13:38

Why did either of you think it would be a good idea or necessary to leave a part time job to look for a full one?

I could not be with someone who is lazy.

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2017 13:39

I'd agree, workshy is the term here. Probably been this way his whole life and isn't going to change. That would be a relationship killer for me not the poor thing. I think uou probably need to end it.

Crisscrosscranky · 06/05/2017 14:06

Your issues appears to be with his laziness rather than the fact he's poor.

It doesn't sound like you have much respect for him so I would suggest going your separate ways...

pumpkinmoon1 · 06/05/2017 15:16

It sounds like he has absolutely no aim in life and is happy to sit around on his arse having his mother look after him. It shouldn't have taken you to push him to look for a full time job, he should have done that already at his age! What does his mother think about all of this? Is she happy for him to live with her rent free and pay nothing towards his keep?

scoobydoo1971 · 06/05/2017 15:51

Run away while you are young and have a choice. Don't get into any sort of financial commitment with this man, and think that if you were to get pregnant it would be a disaster - he would not pay child support, he could not support you during maternity leave, you could not contemplate buying a family home without him having a reliable income. As others have said, it is not about being 'poor' but about values and work ethic. You cannot change him and he will drive you to despair trying. He may well be depressed but he has to sort his life out, not you.

You have to date someone you are proud of, and you see potential in...he has no job, no education, no independent education. I chucked my boyfriend out of my flat around your age because he was similar - dropping out of Uni. courses repeatedly, losing jobs, claiming everyone picked on him and building huge debts on personal shopping. I snapped when I realised I was paying the mortgage, working two jobs, doing a PhD and he contributed nothing...I got him a job interview and he never showed up so I made him leave and I never regret that as he was a loser then, and he is a loser now. I have looked him up on facebook recentlt and he is still unemployed and living at home with his parents at 48!

WaitingYetAgain · 06/05/2017 18:47

This is not good:

'... but something always went wrong or he quit. He has now been unemployed for 4 months.'

That would be a red flag to me. To me, it is the sign of someone with a problem. I went though a long (11 year) relationship with someone like that. It did not go well. It becomes extremely uneven/imbalanced. In my opinion, there is no way a person can get through multiple jobs like that unless they are part of the problem/reason for losing the job or needing to quit.

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