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Original poster

Dating someone poor?

58 replies

megan77889900 · 06/05/2017 03:54

I have been dating my OH for about a year. Things were going great, when we started dating we both had jobs. His job was a part time job, even though he is in his late 20's and nothing was stopping him to have a full time job. He was't earning much, still living at home. I have motivated him to quit that job and look for a full time job. It didn't bother me too much money wise as I really liked him for him. He is not educated so can't get a professional good paying job. He has found a few job, none which were paying good but something always went wrong or he quit. He has now been unemployed for 4 months. He doesn't seem to be bothered to look for a job, he's living at home not doing anything day in and out. He doesn't even have any hobbies. I try to motivate him to go to the gym, to go look for a job, hand out CV's, apply online. I am trying to be supportive. He said he is scared I will leave his because he has no job. I am seriously thinking about it as I do not appreciate his lazy behaviour. We do not go out as he will not let me pay under any cost but doesn't have any money himself. I'm starting to think this whole time I was blind to what sort of character he is. The relationship is going down the drain...

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2017 18:54

Leave him. He is lazy.!

Maraudersmap1 · 07/05/2017 11:05

Your OH sounds similar to my ex, he was in between jobs the whole time we were together. He got a permanent job just before we split. I heard fairly recently he is still in between jobs and I count myself lucky as I (naively) hoped that it would change. Clearly it still hasn't.
Now I've been together with my partner for a year and he's the total opposite. He works hard and has a good work ethic. You won't believe the difference it makes until you see it yourself but I hope you make the right desicion for you Smile

pallasathena · 08/05/2017 07:47

This is becoming an all too familiar problem for some reason. I know of three people (one is in my extended family, all of them men) who are lazy, permanently unemployed, feckless twats.
What is even more ridiculous is that their respective wives/mothers make all the excuses under the sun for them while they, the wives/mothers, work themselves to the bone to keep a roof over everyone's head.
I see it as a form of mental disturbance. On both parties.

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 08/05/2017 07:50

You are not trying to support him, you are trying to change him. This is who he is. If you want a high flyer with lots of money, fund someone else, because he isn't and he is an individual who can make his own choices

Oilyoilyoilgob · 08/05/2017 08:53

A year in and you don't go out?! You should be having the time of your lives-dinners, dates, theatre, gigs, city breaks, holidays etc
Get someone who has a job, has some ambition.
He sounds lazy. And this will sound awful but if he's in a rut and feeling sorry for himself or down (I've been there, the thought of being a newbie in work is scary!) do you still want that? Just one year in?
My fear for you is that years down the line he'll still be dipping in and out of jobs.
Could you at least have a break? Might give him a wake up call, if you want to give that?

c3pu · 08/05/2017 08:55

Is he any good at housework? Might make a good SAHD?

If not, LTB.

expatinscotland · 08/05/2017 08:57

The world 'loser' springs to mind.

EssentialHummus · 08/05/2017 09:01

Its not about him being poor. Its about his work ethic.

This. If he was in a low-paid job/industry but striving away, this'd be a different conversation.

Trills · 08/05/2017 09:44

You don't ever need a "good reason" to not want to be with someone.

You can just not want to be with them.

elephantcuddles · 08/05/2017 11:18

Exactly what pallasathena said. I'm now dating the second guy who is unemployed and I am unhappy. In the beginnning he wasn't unemployed but he quits jobs. Both his mom and my ex's mum make excuses for their sons and don't seem to have any problem with their son sitting around at home. I forget what it even feels like to be taken out to dinner. It makes me feel shit and even though in the beginning you can be optimistic, after a while this type of stuff drags you down. I won't stay in this relationship if things don't change and I doubt they will.

offside · 08/05/2017 12:53

You're part of this problem too. Why would you tell him to quit his job without a job to go too, what an irresponsible thing to do. If he wasn't trying to impress you in those days he might well still have a job.

You are not good for one another.

yetmorecrap · 08/05/2017 12:54

You know what they say 'When money flies out the door, love flies out the window" . Now I wouldnt say it is necessary to be with someone well off, but I do think lack of ambition, lack of standards and mums making excuses etc for grown up guys is a total passion killer. Anyone can have a spell between jobs, or be underemployed for a while, but if it becomes a habit with no sign of trying to get out of it and if the person is under 45, to me , it says a lot about a guy. Because to be frank it simply isnt sexy , (and by the way I mean that for a guy that might be loaded too--inheritence etc)

Dowser · 08/05/2017 13:00

He's lazy.
That would bother me far more than poor.

honeyroar · 08/05/2017 13:34

Being with someone who is poor and tryng their best is different from being with someone who is poor and doesn't try. He doesn't sound right for you. Someone else might not care that he's lazy, you do. It's not fun with him and you can't build a future together, I'd move on.

elephantcuddles · 08/05/2017 13:44

Well that's just it... what amount of time is acceptable for the guy to find a job? A few months? 10 months? A year? My current has been unemployed for a year now and has used every excuse in the book. During this time, I have had to pay if I want to go out to eat, go do anything fun, etc. It's just not fun anymore. So tired of reaching for my purse every time. The bill comes and the waiter says "Thank you, sir." And then they realize I'm paying. It's honestly soul destroying after a while.

And for those criticizing OP, maybe she told him to quit because he was complaining about his job all the time and was trying to be supportive? It's never a good idea to quit a job before you have something else lined up, I agree. But I think her intentions were in the right place.

ENFJ · 08/05/2017 13:50

I know I don't know all the ins and outs of what you've been through but i split up with a man who was trying to change me. I valued my free time, I enjoyed it. I had a lot of things I wanted to research/do. He wanted me to be stressed and working full time like him. It was so stupid. Now I know I had two kids as well but now, the second somebody tries to make me be ''ambitious'' according to their own measure of ambitious or successful I run for the hills

ENFJ · 08/05/2017 13:54

I agree with Offside He quit a pt job with nothing to go to because you suggested to him that that was a good idea?

But these things happen (incompatibilities I mean). Quit while you're ahead!

wizzywig · 08/05/2017 17:01

Was it gwen guthrie or gloria gaynor? You have to have a j-o-b if you wanna be with me

TroysMammy · 08/05/2017 17:14

Do you want to be giving him pocket money so he can have a night out with his mates? I used to and then I would be at home waiting for the just before midnight call to pick him up wearing a coat over my pjs.

In our 13 years of marriage we never went on holiday except the odd weekend at his mates where they spent all day playing video games is not a holiday.

He used to make me catch the bus to work so he could go places in my car, using my petrol whilst I slogged my guts out to pay for the mortgage, bills, food and car. He never claimed benefits either because he said I earned too much! About £13,000 a year I earned.

He was a lazy sod and his bubble burst when I told him enough was enough.

If you want all this, fine. I wish I had a backbone all those years ago. I've got a reinforced one now.

Glastokitty · 09/05/2017 03:39

Yes, these men are just work shy. My husband lost his job last year and he honestly did not rest until he was working again. He did every shitty badly paid temp job he could get his hands on to keep some money coming in and at the same time did some training courses to add to his qualifications. He was utterly miserable until he got another 'proper' job. I would expect no less, and that is not what these men appear to be doing. The idea of quitting a job without getting another would be incomprehensible to either me or my husband, barring illness or other unavoidable circumstances. It's not about the lack of money, as other's have said it's about the lack of work ethic.

Atenco · 09/05/2017 05:04

He has now been unemployed for 4 months. He doesn't seem to be bothered to look for a job, he's living at home not doing anything day in and out. He doesn't even have any hobbies

He sounds boring rather than just poor.

angryladyboobs · 09/05/2017 06:30

Honestly you shouldn't have told him to quit. That was stupid and irresponsible.

My DP was in the same situation when we got together.

2yr later we lived together, he had FT job and we had a daughter.

Now he's on track for promotion.

If he wants to change. He will.

My DP said just yesterday that if it wasn't for me, his life would be totally different and not worthwhile as he was 'going no where fast' till he got with me.

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 09/05/2017 06:40

I am poor. I am not ashamed of that. I work for minimum wage for a local charity and I bloody love my job.
This man being poor isn't (or shouldn't) be the issue - rather his lack of motivation and he isn't a do-er. I'm a do-er and I only want to date other do-ers.
My exh and exbf were the same - they didn't DO anything. I don't mind what motivates you - whether it be money, freedom, personal satisfaction but have SOMETHING! Be able to pay your own way and be as independent as much your circumstances allow. (I rely on tax credits until youngest starts school so I'm not totally independent yet)

SerfnTerf · 09/05/2017 06:41

He sounds unmotivated and like a general drain on your resources (both physical and emotional).

My DP is "poor" (financially). But he is massively motivated. He works 10 hour days doing physical work at home for which he earns no money but does provide us with food, wood, and various other things that reduce our combined needs to earn actual money. He does some part time self employed creative work on the side but I earn significantly more than him. The key difference is that I feel like our level of contribution is comparable.

Do you think you'll ever feel like your contributions to your lifestyle and household are comparable?

christmaswreaths · 09/05/2017 07:39

He sounds lazy or even depressed. It's not up to you to motivate him and I would run for the hills!

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