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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Self esteem

78 replies

GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 10:02

I was roundly told on another thread that I need to improve my self-esteem. This, though easy to say, is probably a fair comment.

So, wise Mumsnetters, how does one do this? What practical steps can one take to improve self-worth?

FWIW, I am employed, I'm not overweight, I'm not in an abusive relationship, I'm not in debt, I'm in good health, I have friends and hobbies and a good relationship with family members. However I'm single and childless and live alone.

Help!

OP posts:
LightYears · 30/04/2017 10:10

I find getting out of my comfort zone helps.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 10:17

I find getting out of my comfort zone helps.

Ok, can you elaborate?

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 30/04/2017 10:55

What do you need to do that your avoiding

RandomMess · 30/04/2017 10:56

Does being single and childless bother/upset you?

noego · 30/04/2017 11:04

"I have low self esteem" is only a thought. If you didn't have that thought would you have low self esteem? Paying attention to some ones judgment of you and believing it is also thought based. If I told you that you were a peanut would you believe me?
Never believe anyone's judgement of you. Who are they to judge?

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 11:43

Thanks for the replies.

What do you need to do that you're avoiding?

Nothing, really. A bit of dusting, perhaps. A few drawers to tidy. Not anything I can think of that would cause deep-seated psychological issues.

Does being single and childless bother/upset you?

Yes, but there's nothing I can do about the latter and, apparently, nothing I can do about the former (I have tried, extensively).

OP posts:
Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 11:47

If you didn't have that thought would you have low self esteem? ...Never believe anyone's judgement of you. Who are they to judge?

Would that it were that simple! The comment was made as I am having an affair with a married man. I was told in no uncertain terms to stop being a drip and develop some self-esteem and that then men might begin to treat me better.

But yes, I think the assessment is reasonably accurate. So I am endeavouring to garner some ideas as to how to do that.

OP posts:
noego · 30/04/2017 12:03

Men will treat you better when you have self esteem, self respect, self confidence. All of which you have except that your thoughts are distracting you from those traits. DO NOT believe your thoughts. Thoughts are not real. Thoughts are unemployed until you employ them. When you employ them they will make you suffer.

nevernotstruggling · 30/04/2017 12:05

This a good general discussion. I think I probably have low self esteem. It's v easy to knock my confidence and the approval of others boosts it. Are you like this op?

category12 · 30/04/2017 12:18

I think feeling confident about your own abilities and competence helps. What do you enjoy doing, what are you good at? Do lots of that Smile. Are there things you want to do or learn or places you want to go? Do those.

For me, my self-confidence and self-esteem were and have always been pretty low, but ditching my ex helped and finding out I can manage for myself much better than I ever did with him. And I plan things I want to do, big and small, and achieving them or making steps to get there, has really raised my own perception of myself.

TheStoic · 30/04/2017 12:19

Try to think of it differently.

Self-esteem is not about how good you feel about yourself. It's about the treatment and behaviour you're willing to accept from other people.

The only things you need to change to improve your 'self-esteem' are your boundaries and standards.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 12:27

noego

I'm afraid I have to disagree here. I could tell myself until I'm blue in the face that I'm a confident go-getting extrovert with high self-esteem who loves team sports, clubbing and is the life and soul of the party, but it would no more be true than if I told myself I don't have low self-esteem and don't prefer more intellectual pursuits and socialising one-to-one or in small groups - or if I didn't think about these things at all.

Personality traits are not only activated by consciously recognising or accepting them. There's a hell of a lot going on in the unconscious that we don't have direct control over. That's why these things are so hard to change.

OP posts:
birdbandit · 30/04/2017 12:34

You value yourself so little that you are willing to trade your affection for his lies.

You think you are worth sloppy seconds.

You possibly feel some sort of ego boost/ validation, getting one over on his wife, in a competition she isn't aware of and no one wins?

Cut the loser, stop acting like you deserve second best, and one day you might believe and understand you are worth more, and can achieve more than what you currently satisfied with.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 12:35

nevernotstruggling

Yes, I am very much like that.

category12

I am quite able academically and in other areas, and I do do a lot of these things (although several are solo pursuits). I am also very independent, capable and competent. I know these things consciously, but they do not appear to enhance my self-esteem. I do tend to steer clear of areas where I feel less confident, such as sport, but conversely I try to learn new skills and increase my knowledge about various subjects, so I don't only stick within my comfort zone.

TheStoic

That is quite a helpful way to look at it. The only thing I'd say is that it can be difficult to recognise that you are accepting bad treatment as it can be perpetrated in quite a subtle and insidious way, but that's not to say you can't strive to become more aware.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 12:39

birdbandit

That's all very well, but I wasn't having an affair before I started the affair. Something else other than being involved with a married men caused me to feel those things about myself, and breaking up with him - which, I agree, is probably a good idea - isn't in itself going to magically enable me to reinvent myself as a confident woman with high self-worth.

As for validation, I don't know. You may be right, but I certainly don't feel any sense of having "won". I certainly don't feel he ever puts me first; nor should he, I guess.

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 30/04/2017 12:56

Grand that's true - but the pp who links what you are prepared to accept from others is right - you are right though low self esteem had led to you being vulnerable to an affair

noego · 30/04/2017 13:01

So, get rid of the unconscious and you don't have to go outside of yourself to have self worth. Self worth is something that is inside, not outside. Nobody suggested getting on the hedonic treadmill to give yourself self esteem.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 13:19

So, get rid of the unconscious...

Now you're just being ridiculous. Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/04/2017 13:20

Do you think you could struggle with being on your own means your less of a person and therefore worthless?

Sort of if no-one else thinks you're worth being with then you can't be?

I could be way off the mark btw, I think it can be difficult to work out the root causes of these things but once you do then you can tackle them?

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 30/04/2017 13:21

...low self esteem had led to you being vulnerable to an affair

Yes, that is probably very accurate. That plus loneliness (and sexual frustration).

OP posts:
category12 · 30/04/2017 13:26

How old are you?

noego · 30/04/2017 13:42

Ok, continue to suffer then. Self flagellation is a hallmark of those with an psychological issue.

LightYears · 30/04/2017 13:48

The affair you're having will give you little highs now and again but ultimately will give you some terrible lows, even the highs will have a deep down bad underling feeling. I think you need to work on getting out of this situation before you can look at trying other things.

Another thing to try might be to help others that are desperately in need, it puts our own troubles into perspective.

LightYears · 30/04/2017 13:56

noego Taking your frustration out on others isn't going to help them, it won't do you any good either.

tormentil · 30/04/2017 13:57

I wonder if the some of the challenge of understanding any self esteem problems that we might have comes from the high probability that if we have low self esteem then we are more likely to be surrounded by others with equally low self esteem - therefore it seems normal.

Equally, raising our self esteem means that we will also change who we associate with. This can cause us to fall out with people.

I think raising your self esteem might actually be quite complex.

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